You open the envelope shakily, only to find dozens of pictures of you and Spencer. One photograph was smudged with pen marks. You turned the photograph before it, closing your eyes as you read the message. The message disproving your assumption.
We're watching you.
---
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Spencer locked the door of his apartment, leaning his entire body on the door. He allowed his body to fall on the floor, sobbing while holding his NA chip. He stared at the chip, reminding himself of all the years he worked to remain clean. He's been clean for almost eleven years. But his thoughts were all in a blur. He needed to escape from reality. He needed a fix.
He stood up from the floor and walked to his room. His gaze fixed on the locked drawer he hasn't unlocked for a while. He grabbed the small box on top of his dresser, finding the minor key, and walked beside his bed. He took a deep breath, debating on whether he should open it. He let his demons win.
He sat down on the bed and reached down into the drawer. First thing he saw inside was a picture of the original team. He had an eidetic memory, yet he forgot that he placed it there. He sets his NA chip on the bed, grabbing the image and grazing his fingers on it.
It was from his 24th birthday. Morgan and Garcia wrapped their arms around Reid, pointing at the birthday boy. Elle and JJ coated their fingers with icing and smeared it on Gideon's and Hotch's face. Gideon had a straight face the whole time, while this was one of the few times Hotch smiled.
Spencer looked at his old self. The innocent one. The one without signs of trauma. If only he could talk to himself before his addiction, he would warn himself that an unsub would get him hooked on Dilaudid. He would tell him not to give in. But if he did, he would tell him he survived. It was one thing that strengthened him. He closed his eyes and pressed the picture on his chest, letting the memory flood back.
"Come on, man. Blow, baby, blow!" Morgan cheered as Spencer tried to blow all the candles.
"I thought you were full of hot air, Reid," Elle teased.
"Come on, Reid!" Morgan said.
Spencer laughed for a bit before he continued on blowing the candles unsuccessfully. JJ spoke, spilling the truth on why Spencer can't do it, "Okay, Spencer. They are trick candles. They're going to come back on every time."
Morgan held Spencer's hat, digging his head further into it, "Aw, Mommy to the rescue."
"Mommy?" Spencer replied. Elle laughed while JJ poked her tongue out to Morgan.
Spencer opened his eyes, feeling the pain pierce through his heart. He can almost feel the disappointment of the team if they knew he was about to take Dilaudid again. But determined to think they wouldn't notice.
When he was suffering before, they went on with their lives. They knew he was struggling but didn't give him that help he deserved. He went through sobriety alone. So why would they now? Why would they help?
He puts the picture down on the bed, not wanting to see their faces. He didn't want them to watch what he was going to do next.
Spencer removed his jacket shakily, still unsure of what he was doing. He took out the small two containers and the syringe from the drawer. His mind was telling him to throw the bottles away, but he doesn't have the courage to do so.
He pushed the tip through the bottle, filling the syringe of his past addiction. After that, he flicked the syringe just like Tobias Hankel did when he told him that his friends were coming to save them.
He muttered profanities to himself. He didn't want his addiction to get the best of him again, but he needed it right now. The confusion in his mind needed clarity.
Most important of all, he wanted to trust you because you helped him realize his identity. You made him comfortable about who he was. You made him proud.
He acted like he was perfectly fine when he dropped you off. He showed you he was unaffected. But seeing your reaction to the person who called you by an unknown name, he already had doubts. His doubts strengthen when you made a promise to him you weren't hiding something. He knew you were.
A part of him was telling him to ask Garcia to track down everything from your personal life—your family, where you grew up, the woman who called you Stella. Everything.
But he didn't want to invade your privacy. Spencer still thought about the greater things about you and not your lies. He knew you had reasons you had to hide from him. He wanted to hear it from you. You had to say it in his face. No more deception.
As he was about to inject the needle to himself, he heard a knock from his apartment door prompting him to remain still. He thought the person on the other side would just think he wasn't here.
The person knocked again, harder this time and spoke, "Spence, I know you're there. Please open the door."
Spencer shook his head, patting his face. Still uncertain that he wasn't hallucinating, he checked the syringe. He hasn't taken it yet, so he was still in the unwelcoming world he needed disappearing from.
He got up from the bed, returning the bottles and syringe back to the drawer, locking it. He knew he still needed the fix after he let the person in. He went to his bathroom, washing his face and wiping with a cloth. He didn't want to look like a mess when he answered the door.
Good enough.
Every step closer to the door made his heartbeat out of his chest. He felt like he was walking on water. His mind was not in the right place to further know about the truth.
You can do it, Spencer.
Before he unlocked the door, he wished that he wasn't who he thought it was. Alas, this was not a fairytale story for him. His wish didn't come true.
"Y/N?"
"Spencer, we need to talk."
---
A/N: LISTEN TO evilniqhts playlist "reid the unsub" efwhuwef i've had it on repeat. will definitely be listening to it when i start writing the next chapters <3
Sorry for the short chapter. Had to post up to fifteen chapters before writing the first chapter of knowing me, knowing you!!
