Treadmill

XXIII.I

I'm not going to put out here what happened last night.

You're probably thinking, "but you literally dump everything on here. What changed now?"

The answer is that I'm not 100% sure how I feel right now, and so...I don't need to tell you anything, really. I don't need to explain anything, and with how a lot of people have reacted to this entire blog, I don't really feel like ya'll deserve to know about everything going on right now. The hatred wandering around because of these blog posts is so disheartening.

I can see the comments on this one now...if I decide to reenable them.

"You're controlling the narrative to only say what you want to be said."

"Kennedy doesn't even have a voice right now and this is unfair to her."

"You're keeping the whole story from everyone to make yourself look better."

And to that last faux comment that I concocted out of the crevices of my mind, let me say this: I'm keeping some of the story from this outlet for two main reasons, although to be a perfect and honest person, there are most likely a wide cacophony of other reasons floating around in my head as well. But here are the main two: number one, I don't know what to believe right now. I don't know what to believe from the people around me, and I don't know what to believe about what people say to me, on both the side I want to innately trust and the one that I don't. And number two, I didn't expect this blog to blow up like this. I thought I would be writing out my thoughts in my own little online journal, and that no one else would read it. I thought that if anyone happened to stumble upon it, they would immediately become bored and continue on with their day after reading a few sentences.

But that isn't what happened, and so here I am, not telling you everything about my life. I don't have to, when it comes down to it. And you're going to either have to deal with that, or stop caring about this story altogether.

Because I don't know where life is going right now, and I don't know who to believe, and everything around me is getting too convoluted for my taste.

><><

Rebecca hit 'post' on yet another blog entry and watched the rolling circle turn green as the post uploaded completely to the website. She wasn't quite sure how she was going to make everything happen, or how everything was going to go down with this site in the long run, but she didn't have to think about all of that in that moment. She was allowed to enjoy her Saturday morning without having Kennedy at the very forefront of her mind. Kennedy was always lingering somewhere in the back of her mind, but she didn't always have to be in the front.

Rebecca got up and wandered over to the refrigerator, taking out a cucumber and starting to slice up part of it to add to her water. She took a sip and stood with her back pressed against the kitchen counter, trying her hardest not think about anything negative. She thought about her friends, and how school was going, and how she was gaining Instagram followers by the thousands. She didn't think about her lack of a job, or the loss of who she had considered to be a close friend, or the uncertainty of what would end up happening to her and Kennedy, depending on which direction the case went in.

She thought about the positives, closing her eyes and taking deep breaths as she went.

In. Out. In. Out.

Maybe I should keep a gratitude journal.

In. Out. In. Out.