Treadmill

XXIV.I

Um...I don't know what else I'm gonna really be putting on here. Something else is coming soon, from a different platform, and I'd kind of rather just let that one speak for itself. But, you guys have been following this for this long, so...I guess I'm still writing here.

So, I guess I just hope that everyone reading this will be kind in the future. Everything is difficult right now. Honestly? Life sucks right now. I never thought I would be in the position I'm in, and I think that everyone around me is starting to forget who I used to be. So, before more shit hits more fans, maybe you'll read about who I used to be.

I used to be the girl who couldn't get an invite to a single party in high school. I used to be the girl who hadn't had a drink until she was legally allowed to. I used to be the girl who was a virgin, who thought she was waiting for marriage. I used to be the girl who went running every single morning without fail, thinking that if she missed a day she would gain back every pound she had struggled to shed. I used to be the girl who was overlooked, whose Instagram got four likes on a good post, and who looked up to 'popular' people like they were idols who lived on only the highest of pedestals.

A lot about me has changed since things started to spin out of control. And a lot has gone so terribly wrong. But on the other hand, a lot has gone right. A lot of my mindset has been changed.

I haven't felt guilty about missing days at the gym. I haven't thought about my weight in weeks. I haven't thought about the way my thighs jiggle when I sit down or how my stomach isn't flat like it was when I was in eighth grade. I stopped looking up to the people I placed on pedestals because I got the inside look at their lifestyle, and it wasn't anything like I thought it would be. I saw that the pedestals I put these people on were built on sand, and they've crumbled to the ground now.

The perfect girl who I started following on Instagram two years ago, aspiring to be just like her, is the exact opposite of everything I want to be.

I know everyone on here is judging me, and I don't blame you. I opened myself up to that when I decided to air my dirty laundry online. It is what it is. But I just wanted to point out the fact that I used to be a different person. I used to care a lot more about what you all think. And I don't anymore.

So, through all the shit in my life right now, I have one small glimmer of hope to hold onto.

><><><

Rebecca had never been good at waking up in the morning. It was one of the things she was worst at, as a matter of fact. She slept through alarms, snoozed the ones that roll onto the ground before they could even get off of the bedside table, and didn't usually wake up to the sun shining on her face either. However, that was before she had slept through Kennedy taking off to fix her car in a different state at the crack of dawn. After that night, Rebecca's anxiety woke her up at every sound.

She woke up to the first ring of her phone on Monday morning. Five days until her piece was due.

Rebecca rolled over in bed and picked up her phone, blinking in an effort to clear her vision enough to read the caller ID. She gave up after five blinks and answered on the fourth ring, clearing her throat loudly.

"Rebecca Eaves speaking."

"Rebecca, hi, it's Brianne Hotchky, hope I didn't wake you."

Rebecca rolled her eyes and didn't respond. She checked her Fitbit—8:19 AM—and wondered why in the world Kennedy's lawyer had to be calling her before normal people were awake.