The Protection

Twenty-Five

Beth stretched her arms over her head and flung the ball in my direction. We warmed up for our first game, and I tried not to let the butterflies eat away at my insides. The other team looked at least three inches taller than each of us, on average, and with ten more pounds of muscle. I guess girls in the Midwest grew a little bigger; a little beefier. I glanced up into the stands, but I couldn't see Kyler anywhere. I wasn't looking for him, but the fact he wasn't here stung a little. Maybe he was looking into things I thought peevishly. Or maybe he and Alana were spending time together, snuggled beneath hotel sheets, warming each other, trying to stay out of the cold. I flung the ball so hard that Beth stumbled a bit when she caught it.

"Easy killer. Let's save some for the game," she said laughing, and I nodded in agreement. I was going for the jugular with this team and was going to take out some much needed aggression. Once again, volleyball was going to be my crutch, and I was going to use that crutch to beat the shit out of this other team.

                                                                                    ******************

  Three days later I shrugged my thick duffle bag up and over my shoulder and wiped at the tears that threatened my eyes. Beth was in full blown hysterics, wiping at the snot trail that ran from her nose, and I hugged her close to me. It was surreal that after twelve years of competitive volleyball, my playing days were over. Poof - just like that. We battled the past few days and made our way to the final four, a surprising feat for a team our size. Our luck finally ran out against top ranked California Baptist, and now we shoved shoes and knee pads into our bags celebrating our successes while mourning our loss.

Everyone hugged their parents who made the trip to Iowa, and I glanced away, the tears threatening to roll down my face even more now. I had no one to comfort me. My mom hadn't been able to afford the trip. She listened to the game online and sent a very long heartfelt text message, but the sentiment felt empty. Nothing was better than a warm hug on a sad day like today. I ducked my head as I walked back towards the hotel across the street, digging in my bag for the room key. A hot shower where I could cry in private was calling my name. I pushed open the door to find a beautiful and vibrant bouquet of blue hydrangeas, white lilies, and bright yellow sunflowers sitting in a vase on the office table with my name on the card. My heart skipped a beat. Kyler really did care about me. I ripped at the card holding my breath as I read the message:

Congratulations, Perry! Keep your head up! You are too amazing to be sad. Thinking about you, and so proud of you today. –Ben

The tears poured down my cheeks. What the hell was wrong with me?! Why was I hoping the flowers were from someone who was engaged, mysterious, and unattainable in every way? Not to mention, not entirely human. Instead, why wasn't I happy the beautiful flowers were from the amazing guy who was so sweet and thoughtful and wanted me back? That was all I had wanted for months after we broke up. I pulled out my cell phone and typed a quick thank you text to Ben and smelled the flowers in spite of myself. They really were beautiful, even if I hated lilies, something Ben had never learned about me.

Teammates filtered into my room that evening, taking turns telling me how lucky I was to have such an amazing guy. Kelly even congratulated me despite the fact I knew it killed her. I had suspected for years that she had a thing for Ben, lighting up when he walked into a party, laughing a tad too loud at his jokes, rolling her eyes dramatically whenever he would kiss me. I smiled and thanked her, but didn't feel the usual pride I did at seeing her suffer. Maybe I was growing up, or maybe I was not as dedicated to Ben as I once was. A pair of Brown Eyes floated through my mind, but I blinked them away. What was between us didn't matter anymore. My mind lied. It was over. I felt myself finally decompress after everyone left as Beth and I listened to Bishop Briggs Dark Side, with the TV muted in the background, snuggling on our bed.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked as I turned the music down. Beth nodded, raising a golden eyebrow. "How do you do it? Date so many different guys at once, never falling in love and always enjoying being single? I thought I would always be single and happy like my mom. I mean, I never dated in high school and Freshman year was so fun dating around, but after I fell in love with Ben it was like everything changed. Being loved by Ben was like breathing, and after he dumped me I felt so empty. I had always felt so weak, but now I just don't even know what I feel anymore." I could always be honest with Beth, but the honesty of my situation made me sound like just another weak girl who needed a man to make her happy. I never wanted to be needy, to rely on someone else, and I feared I may have turned into the girl I despised after those years with Ben and now my infatuation with Kyler. Beth took my hand in hers.

"It's okay to allow someone else to make you happy, but the trick is to never rely on someone else for all your happiness. Life as a strong woman is knowing your worth and not settling for less. It's about having someone compliment your life rather than control it." She patted my hand a couple of times. "Personally, I just enjoy multiple men complimenting my life at the same time. You're a relationship girl and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Ben is a great guy, and I think this time around you just need to think with a clear head rather than an impulsive heart." I nodded. She couldn't possibly have known how spot on her advice could be with the Kyler and Ben saga actively pulling on opposing sides of my heart. Ben was my clear head and Kyler was my impulsive heart. I hugged Beth closer to my chest, seeing her slow and steady heart beat.

"I'm so lucky to have you. I wonder if we were sisters in a past life, one where we were both royalty, destined for greatness," I giggled as Beth sat up and took a sip of her heady cranberry grape cocktail, the one she had crafted from the small, cheap, plastic bottle of rum smuggled in her suitcase. Through the years, Beth was always in charge of making our cocktails. Most of them were terrible and deemed "Jesus juice," but I went along with it because she loved playing bartender. She handed me the drink and I gulped a large amount before wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

"I don't know what the difference would be in a past life. We're already queens and destined for greatness: you as a doctor and me as the first female president," she said as she snapped her fingers back and forth with authority and placed the drink on the nightstand. She held me tighter and we snuggled further down under the covers. The news began on the television screen, and Beth turned off the music altogether and turned up the volume on the television. She loved watching the nightly news, like she was gathering intel with each crazy news story. A headline popped across the screen regarding a major child trafficking bust saving hundreds of children and confiscating thousands of computers. The FBI stated that without The Protection, none of the arrests would have been possible. Beth rolled her eyes and shut the television off. "I don't know why they have to give those idiots all the credit. The FBI is not some helpless entity. They were perfectly fine before 'The Protection,' she said using air quotes, disdain dripping off her tongue. "If anything, those guys are glorified mobsters with too much power." I raised my eyebrows, but said nothing as I settled in beside her. If Beth only knew what they were really like, what Kyler was really like, she would view them a little differently. I closed my eyes and begged my subconscious mind to allow me to do something I hadn't done in weeks: dream about anything other than Kyler Isaacs.