Love and Other Bugs

25: Insanity

I did my best not to look over at Silas in the corner of the room as I danced. It was hard enough to dance without my focus being split. He had set up an old easel of Eric's between us, with his face barely visible to me, poking out from behind it. I couldn't see what he was painting, but he had a clear view of me as I moved through the space.

I'd expected to struggle with inspiration, to more or less stand still for a few songs just waiting to feel moved. Instead, I found myself struggling to stop. The music pumped through my veins, possessing my arms, legs, and hips. It was more comfortable than I had expected, dancing in only a t-shirt, my bottom half was free and unbridled.

"Are you almost finished?" I asked, breathless from exertion after what felt like an hour.

"I finished a few songs ago." He peeked around the canvas, grinning, "Now I'm just enjoying the view."

"Are you serious?" I slowed to a stop, unable to conceal my smile as I stared back at him.

"Yeah, you seemed like you were in the zone. I didn't want to interrupt."

"How did you paint me that fast?" I asked, walking over to him.

He stood and moved back, making room for me to come around and see the completed work. "It's been well over an hour since you started, and I was inspired from the very first moment."

I looked down at the canvas, splashed with the color of the afternoon sun on the floorboards. Amongst the hues and shapes of the room was a curved and graceful female figure, long legs disappearing under a wispy white garment. Posed seductively, her focus elsewhere, her deep brown hair swirling down her back as she posed with her arms above her head.

"That's me?" I asked, reaching out to brush my fingertips across the drying paint.

"Doesn't do you justice." He said, his voice coming from behind me, almost shouting to be heard above the music. I turned to face him as he stepped closer, his hands resting on my hips, his eyes trailing up my body from my bare feet to my eyes. "It would be almost impossible to accurately capture perfection, and I've only been an artist for a few days."

"I feel like you've always been an artist." I stepped closer, closing the space between us, "Just trapped inside yourself."

"Maybe..." He leaned closer, his lips an inch away from mine, "If that's true then I really do owe you my life. Because I didn't have one until you."

I felt my mouth go dry, it was hopeless now, fighting against what I felt for him. "Dance with me."

He tightened his hands around my waist, lifting me off the ground. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he stepped around the easel, walking me to the center of the room. The song that had been playing came to its end and another one began, instrumental and intense, just as my feet hit the floor.

I started to move, pulling him along with me as I stretched my arms out, moving my legs in time with the music. He matched my pace, moving in his own way, in sync with me. I pressed my body into him and he moved against me, in harmony, matching my energy.

He lifted me into the air, letting me move, holding and supporting me like it was effortless. The music kept us in time, moving together as one, using the entire space as we parted and came back together. It felt better than dancing alone ever had, as if he was what I'd been missing.

When the song came to an end, we stopped, my labored breathing echoing off the walls as we stood still, staring at each other. His breathing wasn't heavy, but I could tell that our dance had affected him as much as it had me.

Unable to think of anything in that moment but his lips on mine, I closed the space between us once again and stretched up on my toes to kiss him. The kiss was sweet and delicate, but it still managed to light my body on fire.

His hands settled on my waist, pulling me closer, his embrace confident and hungry. I couldn't imagine going back to kissing anyone else, the way he matched my rhythm, the way he expressed such deep affection, just by the way he moved his mouth against mine, was intoxicating. It took all I had to pull away before it escalated further, meeting his eyes as I struggled to catch my breath.

"Am I stupid?" I asked, my head spinning from the high of his touch, "Am I just making a huge fool of myself?"

Lorraine's warnings had crept in from the back of my mind, mingling with my own foreboding thoughts from the past few days. Silas looked confused at my sudden question.

"What do you mean?" He asked, frozen with his hands still around my waist. I stepped away from him and leaned up against the mirrored wall for support as the floodgates of my anxiety opened. The thoughts I had been damming up came crashing down on me.

"You're not real." I said it without thinking, regretting it as his face fell but unable to stop myself, "You're just a machine, doing what I've asked you to do. You don't have a choice, you don't have feelings, and here I am falling in love with you.

"How am I supposed to live my life like this? I'm married and now the thought of my own husband touching me disgusts me. The thought of any other man touching me just..." I felt panic building in my chest, my breath quickening as my reality came into question, "How am I supposed to love anyone real again? You're perfect, and no one will ever compare."

His face was still hurt and confused as he tried to keep up with my train of thought. He struggled to find words to respond, comforting a woman who has fallen in love with you and is consequently losing her sanity surely wasn't in his code. He approached me, reaching out to grab my wrist with one hand, his other snaking back around my waist and pulling me to him.

"Maura." His face was inches away, his eyes searching mine, "You're right, I am an android. I'm not alive, and maybe that means I'm not real, but what I feel for you... That's real. It's real to me. You gave me a part to play, but it stopped being just a role the first time I held you in my arms.

"I heard you the other day," He continued, "When you were touching yourself, in your bedroom, and you said my name. It took all of my self-control not to go to you. I knew that you weren't really calling for me, but I still had to fight the urge to go to you because... I wanted you. Do you understand that? God, I wanted you.

"And when Eric..." His eyes closed, darkening at the mention of his name, and it wasn't lost on me that he hadn't called him Mr. Foster, "When he was with you, inside of you... when he struck you. Right then and there I wanted to break every rule in the book all at once."

I felt like I should be mortified, that he had heard and knew so much, but I realized a part of me had known all along that he'd be listening. Maybe even hoping for it.

"Hey, I was okay." I told him, caressing his face with my fingers, soothing the tension in his muscles, "He asked me if I liked it... I could've said no."

"I could hear your heart racing, Maura." He opened his eyes again, his fiery stare burning as it met with mine, "You were afraid of him. If I weren't bound by robot laws I don't know what I would have done. When I had to sit there and watch him touch you in the backseat... that was the moment I understood what rage and pure hatred felt like."

".... Wait." I blinked, replaying the memory of that day, blocking out the things I was feeling, "You were outside in the yard. How could you hear my heart?"

"Maura I could hear your heartbeat from a mile away, in the middle of a thunderstorm." He said it as a fact, "It's the one sound I know better than anything else. I listen for it every second of every day. My one and only purpose is to make sure it keeps on beating."

I didn't know how to respond, I didn't have the words, so I just stared up at him, my mouth gaping open.

"I may not be human, but because of you I feel like one. I've experienced happiness, longing, anger, hatred... love, and I will never be the same again. You've changed me, Maura. You are my life."

At that moment, I decided the reality of it didn't matter. Sane or insane, real or not, I was desperately in love with him and there was no going back. I jumped up to link my arms around his neck, closing the gap between us and kissing him. He didn't hesitate to kiss me back, pulling me close and lifting me off the ground.