Love and Other Bugs

38: Ending

Lorraine and I took turns drinking champagne straight from the bottle, talking about our day, musing about all the different ways I could decorate the apartment. She gushed about her first sale of a SILAS, which had happened earlier in the week.

She was elated about what it meant for the future of her company, getting recognition for her years of hard work. I shared her excitement, as always, being careful not to let my thoughts wander back to the Silas who was sitting on the couch.

"It was the lady who asked you for the sex drive, right?" The alcohol warmed my cheeks and soothed my anxiety, the subject didn't feel quite as taboo anymore.

"Yeah, so far she's very satisfied." Lorraine wiggled her eyebrows and let out a laugh.

"I'm glad," It was great to see her so proud, "And no bugs?"

"Bug free." Her tone softened as we approached sensitive discussion territory, "At least so far. We'll see if she reports anything in the next couple of months."

"I'm sure it's great." I tried not to sound jealous, knowing that whoever this woman was, she was having the best sex of her life. With none of the strings I had attached for myself.

"If you ever..." Lorraine interrupted my imagination, slurring her words a bit, "If you want the new drive, Sex Drive 2.0 let's call it, let me know. I know that might be too weird for you, so I didn't install it on yours, but I always could."

"I'm good, thanks." I tried my best to smile, it was getting harder not to reminisce, "I think it would just bring up too much old stuff. Like having a friends-with-benefits relationship with an ex, you know?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry for even mentioning it." She frowned, "So do you want me to take him with me? I should head out, but I don't want to leave him here if you're uncomfortable."

"I think I'll give it a try." I shrugged, still unsure it was a good idea, "If it's too...weird I'll let you know. Do you need him to drive you home, though?"

I glanced over at him, still sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead. Lorraine shook her head and stumbled towards the door.

"No, Jude is waiting with the car." She reached over to pull me into another hug. She had drunk most of the bottle herself, and was clearly still a lightweight.

"He's just been down there the whole time?" I asked, checking the time on the stove. It had been well over two hours since she'd arrived.

"Yeah, he doesn't care. He's a robot." Again I was reminded that SILAS' weren't in fact real people, it was hard for me to go back to thinking of them as machines without feelings.

"Right."

We said our goodbyes, and Lorraine headed out, insisting she didn't need help walking to the car. As soon as the door closed behind her, the silence hung heavy in the air. My back was to him, but it was like I could feel his idle presence in the room.

I turned to face him, he wasn't staring straight ahead anymore, instead his gaze was trained on his lap. I pretended not to look at him as I tossed the empty bottle of champagne in the trash, he didn't move.

I stood in the kitchen a moment longer, unsure if I should say something or if I should ignore him. I couldn't think of anything to say, so I chose the latter, heading towards my room, my eyes never leaving the floor as I walked past him.

He reached out and took my wrist in his hand, stopping me. With my back to him, I felt my heartbeat speed up, my skin reacting to his touch the same way it always had.

"Maura..." His soft voice soothed my soul, but raised goosebumps on my arms. I was unable to even breathe as I turned to glance back at him, his warm eyes meeting mine. "I..." He looked confused, tortured, "Goodnight."

He released my wrist but I couldn't move. For just a moment his stoic expression had melted away, his voice was warm and familiar and it was like he was the man I'd fallen for all those months ago. But before I could even begin to hope that somehow it had all been some kind of terrible mistake, his face went blank and his gaze returned to the wall.

I pinched my eyes closed, forcing back the tears that had begun to form, and hurried into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I leaned my back up against it and let a single sob escape my mouth before covering it with my hands.

It felt like the hole in my chest, the one left by Silas, the one that I had been so carefully trying to close for the last six months, had been ripped right open again.

A gentle knock from the other side of my bedroom door made my hushed cries catch in my throat. I didn't respond, my shaking hands wiping silent tears from under my eyes.

"Mrs. Foster?" Silas' voice penetrated the door and I winced.

"It's Miss Hayward now." I croaked.

"Oh."

In the silence that followed, I began to wonder if he'd gone back to the couch. My curiosity got the best of me and I turned around to open the door just a crack. He was standing on the other side, staring at the floor, brow deeply furrowed in thought.

"I got a divorce." My voice was stronger now, "Finalized just a couple weeks ago, actually."

"That's... good?" He seemed to be struggling, his face contorted again as if he was in physical pain.

"Yes, it is." I nodded. He looked up at me and copied the movement.

"Yes. Very good." He blinked away his pained expression and offered a half-hearted smile, "Well, I just wanted to make sure you were alright, Miss Hayward. Is there anything I can get for you?"

"No, thank you Silas." I smiled back, "I think I'd just like to go to bed."

"Alright." He turned back towards the living room and I moved to shut the door, but he turned back at the last second, "Oh, Miss Hayward. Did you ever finish that book?"

"Book?" It took a moment for me to recall the book I had yet to finish when we'd last spoke, the book that had inspired his entire personality, the book that had started everything, "Oh. No, I never did finish it... I didn't end up keeping my e-reader. I much prefer hard copies of books now."

I indicated to the overstocked bookshelf back in the living room, packed full of those smutty romances I loved so much.

"Wonderful." He mused, his back to me as he scanned the shelves, "Would you like for me to pick you up a hard copy?"

"No, that's really okay." I met his eyes as he turned back to look at me, "I think I'm happier not knowing how it ends."

His eyes left mine to keep scanning my small apartment living room, coming to a stop on my dark green bicycle mounted on the wall, his lips twitching into a thoughtful smile. The small smile grew as he spotted the painting above my sofa.

"Well if you're sure about that," His gaze once again fell on me, his eyes crinkled from his amused expression, "At least you can rest assured knowing it has a happy ending. Good love stories always do."