Love and Other Bugs

30: Ice

I lay with Silas on the hood of the car, wrapped up in his sport coat, staring at the sky. Our heavy breathing had subsided, and now only the sound of the radio filled crisp night air. I was snuggled up in the crook of his arm, my head resting on his chest, my legs tangled with his. There was no place in the world I would have rather been.

My anxiety, however, had other plans. A small voice in the back of my mind was going off like an alarm, telling me we'd better get home before Eric did. I had a feeling he already sensed there was something going on, I had been acting different as of late, and coming home to an empty house would raise his suspicions.

I fought with the feeling until it was the only thing I could think about. I sat up and looked down at Silas, sprawled across my windshield. His relaxed smile turned to a frown as he read my expression.

"Do we need to go?" He asked, reaching up to touch my cheek. I nodded and started climbing down off the car.

He followed suit, jumping down and gathering my discarded clothes, brushing off the dirt and offering them to me with a grin. I smiled back as I slipped my underwear on, trading him his suit jacket for my jeans.

"Where's my shirt?" I asked, glancing around.

It was dark, but I could still make out shapes against the gravel, my shirt was nowhere to be seen. Silas had started looking as well, checking under the car before walking towards the edge of the cliff.

"It might have blown away, it's a bit windy up here." He called back to me, "I'm not seeing it."

"Shit." I folded my arms around myself as goosebumps started to raise on my skin.

Silas jogged back to me, offering his suit jacked back. I slipped it on as he ran again to the edge of the overlook and kept searching. I made my way over to him, leaning over the edge and looking down at the steep drop. Silas reached over to place his hand around my waist, holding me as a precaution if I were to lose my balance.

"It can't have gone far." He reasoned, "I can go look for it."

"No," I shook my head, "It's fine I have a bunch of shirts, I didn't even like that one much." It was a lie, I had loved that shirt. However, my somewhat irrational anxiety about Eric coming home and somehow figuring out that Silas and I were out on a date was growing.

"If you're sure." He kept his arm around me as we made our way back to my car.

As we headed down the mountain, my anxiety increased. As much as I was afraid of Eric finding out, the thought of pretending like nothing was going on was worse. It was getting harder and harder to put my thoughts of leaving him out of my mind. It was almost impossible to pretend Silas was just a basic android, I could hardly stop myself from looking at him when Eric was around.

I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep up the charade, but telling Eric I was leaving him was daunting and terrifying. I wasn't sure how he would react, would he be angry? Or relieved? Would he care at all? Even worse, how would I feel if he didn't care? I knew I didn't love him anymore, but the thought of him not batting an eye as I told him I wanted to end our marriage made me nauseated. It would be as if all the bad days and struggles were for nothing.

"Are you alright?" Silas' voice shattered my thoughts, "You're very quiet. Are you upset about losing your shirt?"

"No." I smiled, "I'm just thinking about Eric. I'm not sure what I'm going to do."

"What do you want to do?"

It was nice to have someone to talk to about my thoughts besides Lorraine. As much as I loved her she didn't often ask me what I wanted, she would instead tell me what I should do. Most of the time, she was right, but there's something to be said about figuring out what you want for yourself.