Lose Myself: A Brittana Story

Mistakes

"Britt, how's this look?" Santana asks me. 

She's wearing tight black jeans and a white shirt. Her hair is curled, and she's wearing lip gloss. She looks amazing. 

"You look great San," I say 

"You look great too Britt," she says gesturing to my white jeans, yellow shirt, and blue jacket.

"Thanks, San," I say smiling 

"Ok, Puck and Matt should be here in a few minutes. We should get downstairs," she says

"Ok, cool," I say. She walks out of her room, and I stay behind a while. I dig in my pocket, and I take out the sandwich bag with the six pills in it. I put 3 in my mouth, and I dry swallow it. My heart rate slows down, and I meet Santana downstairs. She's smiling down at her phone and then looks up at me. My heart immediately starts racing again but for a different reason this time. 

"San, uh, before the date, do you think we should uh practice again? I mean you know, practice kissing?" I ask

"I thought we agreed we were both good at it," she says

"Yeah, but uh, I think I need more work," I say

"Oh, ok," she says smiling

We lean in and I lightly connect my lips to hers. I taste her lip gloss, and I smile into the kiss. She pulls back quickly.

"Uh, ok. I think that's enough practice. I think Puck and Matt are here." she says

"Ok," I say

While we're driving to BreadStix in Puck's car, Santana in the front, and me in the back with Matt, the medicine begins to kick in some more. My thoughts become clouded, and I start to lose focus. 

"Brittany, are you ok?" Matt asks looking at me

I realize I'm leaning to the side, staring into space. 

"Uh, yeah I'm good Matt," I say quickly. I see Santana looking at me, with a question forming in her gaze. She always knows something is wrong, but she doesn't know what. 

We pull up into BreadStix, and I sit next to Matt. Santana and Puck are across from us. 

I'm sitting in the corner seat, and I begin to get squeamish. It suddenly feels really hot, and I feel trapped in it. 

"Uh, I've gotta go to, to the b-bathroom," I say standing abruptly. 

"You okay Britt?" Santana asks

"Yeah," I say, walking away to the bathroom before she can answer. I walk to a sink, and I pull out my remaining pills. I put them into my hand and as I'm putting them into my mouth, one falls. I reach down to grab one but my hands are shaking and I feel overheated again. I collapse onto the floor and tears spill from my eyes. I don't know why I'm crying. I just am. I begin to feel lightheaded, and the room seems to be spinning. I try to lift my arms, but they seem too heavy. I stay on the floor crying for a while until I hear footsteps. I finally gain the strength to slowly stand up and I take the two remaining pills I have left. I splash my face with water, and I try to get my breathing under control. 

A woman enters the bathroom, and I automatically feel disappointed. I kind of hoped it was Santana coming to check on me. 

Of course, she wouldn't, you always lie to her. 

The woman gives me a weird look before walking into a stall. I look in the mirror. My eyes are bloodshot. That's probably why she looked at me funny. I take a few more deep breaths before I go back into the main dining area. When I reach our table, I see a plate of chicken alfredo at my seat. Santana knows I love it. She probably ordered it. When I look away from the plate I see everyone. Puck and Santana are making out, and she's sitting on his lap. Matt is sitting uncomfortably next to my empty seat. My eyes lock back onto Puck and Santana and I'm filled with rage. He's our friend but he should keep his hands off of her. I sit in my seat, and Santana finally looks up to me, and she quickly slides off of Puck's lap. I frown.