Lose Myself: A Brittana Story

Why?

(Mild trigger warning)

The blinds are shut tight, the door is locked, and I'm under my blankets. I feel so overheated, yet I'm shivering. My fingers are clamped tight into a fist, my nails cutting through my skin. My eyes are shut tight because anytime I open them my vision is blurry. My mother already got my refilled prescription, and it's sitting on my wardrobe, but I didn't have the energy to take them. I woke up this morning like this, from the lack of pills I've had these past 2 days, and now I don't even have the energy to take them. My phone has been buzzing with texts from all of my friends since I haven't spoken to them in 2 days, but I couldn't bring myself to answer them. Last time I saw Santana was 2 days ago. The last time I spoke to her was yesterday, but we barely spoke. She texted me, I texted back, and then I went back to mentally punching myself. I open my eyes once again to see my vision is still blurry, but not as bad as before. 

I look to my leg, littered in scars from yesterday. I had no pills at all yesterday and I found my only relief was cutting. There are at least 5 new scars there, and there's the one from a while ago that's still healing. I slowly lift myself from under my covers and I grab the new bottle of pills. I put four in my mouth, and I draw swallow it, not having the energy to get water. As soon as they hit my throat I sigh in relief and sit myself up. I look around my room, most of it is untouched from the past few days. My mom has been working a lot these past few days, and she didn't even realize something was wrong. I didn't even realize something was wrong. 

I stand up slowly, not wanting to fall. I feel my heart rate slow, and I know the pills are starting to work. I brush my teeth, and shower knowing I needed to. That was the only coherent thing I could think. I pick up my phone, and I cringe at the amount of missed calls and messages. I click my phone off, not bothering to answer any of the calls and messages and I head downstairs. On the way down, I start seeing double, and I trip somehow ending up on the floor. I'm lucky I wasn't too high up or I could've broken my neck. Now that I think about it, breaking my neck doesn't seem too bad. Wherever I go after that sounds better than just being here, on Earth. 

I throw on a hoodie and slip on some shoes and I step outside. I slowly walk over to Santana's house, knowing she's probably the most worried about me. I walk up to the door and I knock on it slowly. I end up knocking too hard, and pain shoots through my knuckles. I'm about to knock again when the door opens, and I almost fall. I look into Santana's eyes, trying to stop my vision from blurring again. 

"Oh my god Britt, are you ok?" Santana asks, but her voice sounds muffled to me

"Y-yeah," I manage to croak out. She grabs my arm and leads me inside, and up the stairs. She sits me down on her bed, and just stares at me, waiting for me to talk first. 

"H-hey S-san," I say slowly

"Britt where have you been? What happened to you? I was so worried B!" she says 

"I... I was a-at home," I say

"I missed you," she says, pulling into a hug, "A lot."

"I-it was only 2 d-days San," I say with a small smile

"Yeah but I didn't know if you were ok," she starts," Why are you stuttering?" 

"I'm not," I say.

Lies. I can't speak without shivering, even if it's super hot in this room.

Santana just stares at me a while, as if she's questioning, but then she just nods and turns away. 

"Do you want shorts? It's hot in here," she says

"NO! N-no I don't," I say. She can't see the scars. I can't let her

"Uh... ok," she says raising a brow, "Britt are you sick?" 

"No, I'm not," I say looking into her eyes. 

"Are you sure? Your skin is burning up," she says

"I'm sure San. How have you been?" I ask, trying to change the subject

"Terrible B! I didn't know where you were. I tried talking to your mom when I saw her at the pharmacy and she said you were perfectly fine, and she didn't know why you weren't talking to us," she says. 

My heart immediately twinges with guilt. I should've texted her back. But I just didn't have the energy. No, you didn't have the pills.

"I also wanted to talk to you about what happened that day of the party. Is that why you weren't talking to us?" she asks

"What do you mean?" I ask playing dumb, knowing exactly what she was talking about

"You know? The kissing," she says looking down to her hands

"Oh," I say, "What about it?" 

My heart starts racing as I wait for her answer. She takes a deep breath and looks at me slowly, and I prepare myself for the worst. 

"W-what did it mean to you?" she asks 

"Uh...," I'm not sure how to answer. It meant everything to me, but I can barely form thoughts, let alone words.

"What did it mean to you?" I ask, wanting to hear her answer first

"I-I don't know B. I mean I l-liked it... but I'm straight," she says. I raise a brow at her saying she liked it, but then calling herself straight. 

"So, what do you think we should do?" I ask, finally able to form coherent thoughts

"I-I don't know. You're my best friend B, but I-I don't know what to do. I-I think we should, you know, test this out. Whatever this is between us," she says

"Ok," I say nodding 

"But no one can know about this. Not yet. Please don't tell anyon-" she starts

"San I won't," I say, looking down. I understand why she'd want to keep it a secret, but I guess it's kinda disappointing

"Come here," I say, pulling her into a hug

"You're my best friend B," she whispers 

"Mine too," I say smiling