The Stone Wall and His Weakness [A.H.]

XV

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Cruz demanded Aaron take a week off and required a psych eval before he could return. I stayed on with the team while he stayed home. I refused to let Garcia send him anything he requested, as he wasn't in the mental state to deal with any of it. We spent the entire week doing paperwork, finishing everything for the Mr. Scratch case and starting on annual paperwork. It was a boring week, but I didn't mind, because it gave me the opportunity to return home at a decent time.

I would catch the team staring at me sometimes. At first I thought it was just them zoning out, but then I realized they were looking away when I caught them. They already knew about Aaron and I, but none of them were willing to talk to me about it. Not right now, at least. I think it was because someone told them to leave it alone, most likely Rossi. It wasn't like them to be so quiet around me, so that's the only reason I could think of.

I packed up and left by five, driving home a bit slower than usual. I didn't want to face him, not yet. His eval was today, and I knew what the results would be. The BAU had wrote the damn thing, so it wouldn't be hard for him to pass it with a score just high enough to be cleared, but not so much that it would seem he was cheating on it.

He didn't want to talk to me about it, and I'd be lying if I said that didn't hurt. Ever since we met, we'd been each others rocks. Especially in times like this, but I wasn't going to push him. I could only hope that he would reach a point where he would talk to someone before it was too late. Cases like this were hard for everyone involved, but it had been taken to a whole new level. Peter Lewis was a master at mind games. The influence of the drugs gave him easy access to Aaron's mind.

He had told us what happened in the house. How Doctor Regan killed herself with a dagger to the throat, how Lewis surprised him and knocked him out, how he wasn't able to move, therefore not being able to defend himself. He told us how Lewis tried to get him to kill one of us, by convincing him Lewis was going to enter the house when really it was me, but that he had enough control over his actions that he shot at Lewis at the very last second. But he claimed he couldn't remember what Lewis did or said to him, what caused him to be so afraid of everything.

If I really wanted to know, I could probably profile him. I could get it out of him, but I had too much respect for him and myself to do that. He would tell me when he was ready.

I put the car in park as I arrived at the apartment building. We hadn't had time the past few weeks to continue house hunting, so I had multiple emails from the relator with new listings, since the first one fell through. I hadn't meant to ignore her, but she knew what our jobs were, so she likely understood.

I stood outside the door for a few moments, mentally preparing myself for whatever was to come. I entered slowly, dropping my keys and bag by the door. I kicked off my heels and sighed, the relief nearly overwhelming.

I looked around, expecting to find Aaron or Jack, but neither were in sight. I listened for a moment longer when I heard laughter coming from Jack's room. I walked back silently, watching as the two of them played with his action figures. I leaned against the door frame, smiling at Aaron who glanced up at me with a soft smile.

"Hey buddy, what do you say we go to the park?"

"Yeah!" He jumped up excitedly, throwing all of his toys back into their designated spots.

Aaron walked over to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as he pressed a kiss against my lips. "Hi," he breathed.

"Hi." I took a step back and went to our room, changing out of my pantsuit into jeans and a t-shirt. He followed after me, leaning against the closed bedroom door.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" He shrugged in response, hands in the front pockets of his jeans, "I should be the one worried about you."

"Why? I'm fine." I sighed, shaking my head, "What?"

"Nothing, forget it."

"No, I want to know what that was about."

"You're not okay, Aar. You think I don't know you can't sleep at night? That you have nightmares when you do?" He narrowed his eyes at me, a warning, "I'm not dumb. I'm not profiling you, but that doesn't mean I don't see it. Whatever Peter Lewis did was worse than you're letting on. If you don't want to talk to me, fine, but talk to someone. Talk to Rossi, a therapist, anyone."

He stood up from his leaning position and crossed his arms, "I don't need to talk to anyone. I told you, I'm-"

"Fine. Yeah, yeah I know." I pushed past him as I left the room, plastering a fake grin on my face as I saw Jack waiting by the front door, "You ready, kiddo?"

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An hour later we were sitting on a bench at the park, watching Jack play with the other kids. I watched him fondly, a sense of pride hitting me as he waved at us, shouting a "hi mom! hi dad!" before running after the other kids in a game of tag.

"I'm sorry."

"Hm?" I looked over at the man beside me, his head hung.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you. You're right, I'm not okay, but I want to be. I don't want to feel this... This anger or fear anymore." I stayed silent as he gathered his thoughts, "The things he made me see... I watched you die. He killed everyone, starting with Reid. Then JJ. Rossi. Derek. Then you. He killed you slowly. Shot you in the neck, then head... Then I realized none of it was real. That you were all okay. But it felt so real... When I thought I lost you, all I could think was, this is my fault. Everyone I love dies."

He tilted his head back, staring up at the gray clouds. It was warm for April, but the sky was blanketed in gray clouds. He watched them for a moment and I watched him, not wanting to interrupt him. When I realized he had nothing left to say, I spoke up.

"I don't have to tell you that it was all a sick game to him. That none of it was real, that we're all okay. You know that, I know you do. But you know what? You're wrong. People don't die because of you. They die because of someone else. You didn't pull the trigger, Aaron. You didn't point the gun at her." He slowly looked over at me, "Haley started it all. You have to see that. If she hadn't died, then you never would've blamed yourself for imaginary me dying. Or maybe you would have, who knows? The point is, it wasn't your fault."

"But..."

"Unless the next words out of your mouth are, 'you're right', I don't want to hear it. You might be one of the best profilers in the country, but you can't hide yourself from me. You put up this wall, this giant, cinderblock wall, hoping no one can get through and that you can protect yourself from pain, but that's not how it works. You have to allow yourself to feel, the good and the bad. If you don't... You risk losing it all. You risk becoming like them."

We stared at each other for a few moments before he looked away, reaching down to intertwine his fingers with mine. I curled up against his arm, laying my head against his shoulder as we watched the kids play. We both knew there was still work to be done, but he had gotten past the hardest part. Admitting he needs help.