Friends - HyungKyun

22- Changkyun

Me
Go to sleep Hyungwon
(Seen at 01:19)

Turtle
Oh my god Changkyun
Please tell me how to 
fix this
(Seen at 01:19)

Me
Go to sleep
I'm turning this off now
(Seen at 01:20)

I powered off my phone and rolled over to place it on the coffee table in Hoseok and Kihyun's living room. I had thought all my tears were gone by the time those first texts came rolling in. At first, telling myself not to read them, but partially giving in by reading the previews in my notifications. Then accidentally opening them a couple times until I read it all.

He didn't know what to do and I didn't know what to do. He wasn't fully wrong on why I hadn't told Hoseok either, but that wasn't the whole reason. No matter how much I had wanted to hate him over the years I never could because the bond we had was deeper than just friends who hung out.

I turned back around on the couch to face the back of it. Burying my face within the blanket from Kihyun's closet. Trying hard to muffle any sounds of my crying. I was so sick of crying, but didn’t know what else to do. Hoseok and Kihyun hadn't wanted me to sleep alone in the living room, but I had a feeling that I wouldn't be able to sleep for one reason or another and told them I’d be fine.

Do I ignore him? No. Do I forget it happened? No. I can't. I can't bear ignoring him. I can't forget the times we spent together as kids, but I also can't forget that now that he's an adult he could leave even easier than then. What's so special about me anyway that anyone would stay near? I have nothing to offer. Not to Kihyun. Not to Hoseok. Not to Hyungwon. Not even to Minhyuk and Hyunwoo. So why? Why haven't they all left me yet? Even if Hyungwon didn't choose to leave, it's basically my fault he had to in the first place. 

Realizing it had been my fault for the whole thing broke what was left of my heart. The crying turned to weeping for the second time in less than 10 hours. It didn't stop when both Kihyun and Hoseok enveloped me in their arms and pulled me up so they could sit on either side of me. If anything it was worse with the guilt of all that I have put them through turning out to be because of something I had done to myself. To top off the guilt, I had blamed Hyungwon the entire time.

"What happened Kyunnie?" Kihyun whispered softly in a voice dripping of concern.

"It was my fault." I choked out.

"What do you mean?" Hoseok moved the hair from my face with light fingers as he asked.

"Hyungwon leaving-It was my fault." I cried out. It was harder to say out loud.

"That wasn't your fault Changkyun," The oldest said before the other male trying to comfort me spoke as well.

"What did Hyungwon tell you? Did he text you?" 

"Yeah," I hadn't met Hoseok or Kihyun's eyes. Keeping my head down and wiping my eyes from time to time. "A lot. He'd been texting me for a couple hours. He fell in love with me, and I made him feel like I'd hate him if I knew. I keep doing that to people," I buried my face in my hands for a long moment as I took a deep breath and let them down to hug my knees. I wasn't crying by now which probably relieved the two men next to me. "He was the first person I made suffer in silence about their feelings. When he couldn't take it, he tried to talk to his parents and his mom shipped him off to his grandparents' to fix his 'problem.' I was his problem which only caused him to be hurt and lonely for six years. I caused the person who meant the most to me to suffer. Not once, but twice!" 

I felt Hoseok briefly move before Kihyun started to stand up. “I’m gonna go find more blankets.” The small male said in more of a question as he walked away.

“Kyun. Look at me,” I turned my head in his direction and looked at his nose to avoid seeing the disappointment I thought was in his eyes. “Changkyun. You know that isn’t what I meant,” He said softly yet also sternly. I did as told and didn’t see any of what I thought would be there. He was worried and concerned, maybe even scared. He didn’t deserve to feel any of that because of me. 

“Stop blaming yourself. For Hyungwon or for me. In my case, I chose not to tell you because I thought it’d be better for you. Not for me. I haven’t been through much heartache, but you have and even if I wasn’t going to leave I knew you’d fear that I would. Sure, it hurt to think you didn’t have enough faith in our friendship that I’d stay, but that’s something that came with being your friend. That would be like me saying we can’t be friends becasue you’re scared of spiders or something-it’s stupid. You can’t control it. For Hyungwon, he was probably scared to tell you. You were both really young. At that time, who knows much about anything? I’m assuming a lot here, but it sounds like his parents weren’t too fond of him liking guys and, sadly, that’s not too uncommon. Either way that makes it not your fault. I won’t point fingers cause it’s not my place, but I know it isn’t your fault." Hoseok pulled me in farther to hug briefly before parting again. "Stop thinking you can control other peoples’ emotions! You’re not telepathic or anything...right? If you are, you need to tell me so I know I need to stay away at times.”

“Why would you have to stay away?” I weakly asked.

“I’m not having you rat me out to Kihyun!” 

“I would never.” I replied with thick sarcasm and a smile. 

“Are you two talking behind my back?” Kihyun cut in walking over to us with a stack of blankets in his arms.

“I would never,” Hosoek mimicked me. “You know you didn’t actually have to get blankets right?”

“Hey, I am not going to lie to our Kyunie. Even if there was more to it, I didn’t lie.” The smaller shot back.