Friends - HyungKyun

23- Changkyun

My Monday classes had been wasted as I was distracted throughout each lesson. Hoseok's words the other night only helped for a little while to ease my feeling of guilt. 

All day, my mind had been remembering times before and after Hyungwon had to leave. Coming up with different reasons for different things I did that I had previously blamed on Hyungwon's leaving. I was so narrow-minded that I never tried to understand what could have happened on the older's part. 

These thoughts haunted me into the night and kept me from sleeping until I decided I couldn't make him wait any longer. So I snuck out of Kihyun and Hoseok's to make my way to the dorms in the loud silence of the city at night. The sidewalks weren't busy or empty. A few people passed by every minute. Some drunk, some dressed nicely, some alone with their heads hanging. After a few minutes watching people, I focused on each line of the sidewalk that went under my feet. Restraining myself from thinking more of what had controlled me for at least the last 24 hours, maybe more. 

It became hard to breathe when the building came into view. It didn't stop me. I took deep breaths in and out in an attempt to even my breathing out. Doing so, helped keep me from starting to shake as I walked up the stairs to our floor and then down the brightly lit hall.

It was strange. To knock on the door to my own dorm room. It wasn't long before my roommate opened the door a little to look out and see who was there. His eyes widening from their groggy state as he realized it was me. 

He opened the door more while visibly trying to understand that I was actually there. "Changkyun?" Hyungwon asked not bothering to be quiet, despite it being close to midnight. I nodded slightly.

"Can I come in?"

"Oh! Sorry," the taller quickly stepped aside and I walked in thanking him. "Why'd you knock?" 

"Well I, uh, came here to talk to you and it just felt kinda wrong? I don't know." The atmosphere felt awkward and unbearable, but I refused to run.

"You came to talk at midnight?"

"I knew you'd be here." I smiled a little. My heart was beating faster already. Hyungwon sat down on his bed, but I stayed standing not knowing if I should sit too. "So, um," I stalled but only made the situation feel worse. I breathed in deeply to calm myself as much as possible. “I’m sorry. Hoseok told me not to feel like it’s my fault, but that only worked for a little. If I had just made you feel like you could trust me more, maybe you wouldn’t have wound up-”

“Changkyun-” Hyungwon tried to cut me off, but I had to say everything whether he agreed or not.

“No, just let me talk, please.” Deciding I would need to sit down, I moved to sit on the foot of Hyungwon’s bed. The older nodded reluctantly and I continued. “You may not feel that it’s my fault you had to move to your grandparents, but I do and the worst part of that is how I blamed you for six years. I confined myself and only let Kihyun and Hoseok in for years because I was scared someone would do the same thing you did. When in reality I had no right to even blame you. Not knowing that, for the first year I tried to hate you and when that refused work I tried as hard as I could to forget you. That didn’t work either and I was thinking a lot about this today, because I couldn’t focus on anything else. I came to think that maybe my fear was generated from not wanting to forget you…” I didn’t let my gaze leave his. Hyungwon had to know that everything I said was true no matter how nervous I was. “After so many years of believing it was your fault, I still missed you deep down even if I made myself bury and hide that.  We were best friends and that doesn’t come from just anywhere. I want to continue that, but this guilt is stopping me. I can’t let myself pretend like you didn’t have to leave and be treated like that because of me.” I finally lowered my eyes from his as a sign I was done talking as well as another, unintentional, sign that the guilt was eating at me.

Hyungwon took one of my hands in his, but I didn’t dare look at him again. “Changkyun, I never once even thought of blaming you. You wouldn’t have been able to control what happened to me either way. My parents were bound to find out and she sent me there, not you,” The tight squeeze on my hand grabbed my attention as I looked at our joined hands resting on the older’s lap. “They can’t control me anymore, so please don’t let me lose you again.” I shot my eyes up to study his own. It hit me that we had lost each other. Not one leaving the other. Both of the men in this room had lost their childhood best friend, but they had also found that friend again.

My fastly beating heart ached when he said those words. I refuse to run. Whether the past was my fault or not, I refuse to let him hurt again because of me or anyone else-no matter who. The best way to ensure that was to stay by his side and not let us lose each other again.