The Hobbit {Male Reader Insert}

Chapter 3:

[Gandalf looks around the ruined farm]
Gandalf: A farmer and his family used to live here.
Thorin: Oin, Gloin.
Oin: Aye?
Thorin: Get the fire going.
Oin: Right you are.
Gandalf: I think it would be wiser to move on. We could make for the hidden valley.
(Y/n): Gandalf I'm not going there.
Thorin: But I've told you already. I will not go near that place.
Gandalf: Why not? The Elves could help us, we could get food, rest, advice.
(Y/n): Gandalf the elves are the reason why Thorins people suffer. Why should we seek there counsel?!.
Thorin: I do not need their advice.
Gandalf: We have a map that we cannot read. Lord Elrond could help us.
Thorin: Help? A dragon attacks Erebor. What help came from the Elves? Orcs plunder Moria, desecrate our sacred halls, the Elves looked on and did nothing! You ask me to seek out the very people who betrayed my grandfather, who betrayed my father.
Gandalf: You are neither of them. I did not give you that map and key for you to hold on to the past.
Thorin: I did not know they were yours to keep.
[Gandalf turns and walks off in frustration]
[seeing Gandalf walk off in anger after his conversation with Thorin]
Bilbo: Everything alright? Gandalf, where are you going?
Gandalf: To seek the company of the only one around here who's got any sense.
Bilbo: And who's that?
Gandalf: Myself, mister Baggins! I've had enough of dwarves for one day.
Thorin: Come on Bombur, we're hungry.
[turning to Balin]
Bilbo: Is he coming back?
[they watch as Gandalf goes off]
[later that night as the dwarves set up camp]
Bilbo: He's been a long time.
Bofur: Who?
Bilbo: Gandalf.
Bofur: He's a wizard! He does as he chooses. Here. Do us a favor, take this to the lads.
[dishes up some food into some bowls and hands them to Bilbo; Bifur turns to see Bombur helping himself to some food]
Bofur: Stop it, you've had plenty.
[Bilbo takes the bowls of stew to Fili and Kili, as he goes to give the food to them he sees they are both just standing and staring at the ponies]
Bilbo: What's the matter?
Kili: We're supposed to be looking after the ponies.
Fili: Only we've encountered a slight problem.
Kili: We had sixteen.
Fili: Now there's fourteen.
[as they look to see which ponies are missing]
Kili: Daisy and Bungle are missing.
(Y/n): They probably ran off who knows.
Bilbo: What? Well, that's not good. And that is not good at all. Shouldn't we tell Thorin?
Fili: Uh...no. Let's not worry him. As our official burglar, we thought you might like to look into it.
Bilbo: Well, uh...it looks as if something big uprooted these trees.
Kili: That was our thinking.
Bilbo: It's something very big, and possibly quite dangerous.
Fili: Hey! There's a light.
[to Kili]
Fili: Over here!
[they all move closer towards the light]
Fili: Stay down.
Bilbo: What is it?
[they see camp fire with trolls sitting around it]
Kili: Trolls.
(Y/n): ugly bastards.
[Kili and Fili make a run for it closer to the trolls' campfire, Bilbo puts down the bowls of stew he was carrying and starts to follow them, then he stops, turns around and picks up the bowls of stew again, and runs after Kili and Fili]
[as they run towards the troll camp, they see a huge troll walk by, carrying two of the ponies]
Bilbo: He's got Myrtle and Minty! I think they're gonna eat them, we have to do something.
Kili: Yes, you should. Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you're so small. They'll never see you.
Bilbo: Me? Me? No. No. No.
Kili: It's perfectly safe!
Fili: We'll be right behind you. If you run into trouble hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl.
Bilbo: Twice like a barn owl, hoot twice like a brown...hoots like a...like a... Uh, are you sure this is a good idea?
[he turns and sees Kili and Fili have run off with their bowls of stew and left him on his own, he turns as he hears the trolls talking]
William Troll: Mutton yesterday, mutton today. And blimey, if it don't look like mutton again tomorrow.
Bert Troll: Quit your griping. These ain't sheep! These is West nags!
Tom Troll: Oh! I don't like horse. I never have. Not enough fat on them.
William Troll: Well, it's better than a leathery ol' farmer. All skin and bone he was. I'm still pickin' bits of him out o' me teeth.
[suddenly Tom sneezes]
Bert Troll: Well, that's lovely, that is. A floater.
William Troll: Oh! Might improve the flavor!
Tom Troll: Ah! There's more where that came from.
[as he tries to sneeze snot into their food, Tom slaps him and gets a hold of his nose]
Bert Troll: Oh, no you don't!
Tom Troll: Oww! Oww!
Bert Troll: Sit down!
[Tom sits and sneezes again, he takes a tissue and blows his nose, at the same time Bilbo sneaks into their camp and tries to free the ponies]
Tom Troll: Well...I hope you're gonna gut these nags? I don't like the stinky parts.
[Bert hits Tom over the head]
Tom Troll: Oww!
Bert Troll: I said sit down!
William Troll: I'm starving, are we having horse tonight or what?
Bert Troll: Shut your cake hole! You'll eat what I'll give ya!
[Bilbo watches the trolls as he tries to free the ponies]
William Troll: How come he's the cook? Everything tastes the same, everything tastes like chicken.
Tom Troll: Except the chicken.
William Troll: What tastes like fish!
Bert Troll: I'm just saying, a little appreciation would be nice. 'Thank you very much, Bert. Lovely stew, Bert.' How hard is that?
[as Bilbo tries to sneak closer to one of the trolls to steal a knife]
Bert Troll: Mmm. Just needs a sprinkle of squirrel dung.
[as he turns to pick up the dung, he sees Tom eating from his bowl]
Bert Troll: Here, that's my grog!
Tom Troll: Sorry.
[Bert hits Tom in the face]
Tom Troll: Oww!
[Bert's tastes the stew]
Bert Troll: Ooh. That is beautifully balanced, that is. Wrap your loganbie around that, mate.
[he gives some to William]
Bert Troll: Huh? Good ain't it? That's why I'm the cook.
[as the trolls are chatting away, Bilbo sneaks behind Tom Troll to steal his knife which is behind his belt]
William Troll: Me guts are grumbling, I've got to snaffle something. Flesh. I need flesh!
[as William gets up to grab some ponies, Tom sneezes and reaches behind him to grab his handkerchief but instead grabs Bilbo and blows his nose all over him, Tom looks down and sees Bilbo in his hand]
Tom Troll: Aah! Blimey! Bert! Bert, look what's come out of me hooter! It's got arms and legs and everything!
[all three trolls stare at Bilbo]
Bert Troll: What is it?
Tom Troll: I don't know, but I don't like the way it wriggles around!
[he drops Bilbo to the ground and William pulls out his knife, threatening Bilbo]
Bert Troll: What are you then? An oversized squirrel?
Bilbo: I'm a burglar...uh, hobbit!
Tom Troll: A 'burglar-hobbit'?
William Troll: Can we cook him??
Tom Troll: We can try!
[Tom goes to grab him and Bilbo tries to get away but Bert comes up beside him]
Bert Troll: He wouldn't make more than a mouthful. Not when he's skinned and boned!