Of Tea...and Things

The Great Enemy of Bureaucracy

"Now foolish one," hissed the Thing, finally setting the former innkeeper down in some dank and gloomy basement, "what think you now of your little enterprise? You have but one chance to save your benighted soul and spare your wretched life?" At the man's complete disinterest, the Thing hissed, "why do you not cower before me? Your own doom is at hand!" He merely smiled insolently at the creature, which sent it into further fits of disbelief and ire. "For all of your purported knowledge you are an utter fool!" spat the Thing at last, when its ravings had produced no effect. With a shrug it made to set upon the irksome wretch, but he was thwarted in this as well.

"Wait," said a voice, neither panicked nor fearful, but seemingly rather bored and preoccupied, one wishing to be elsewhither doing something else entirely.

"What is it now?" spat the Thing, "Am I to have no fun at all on this particular assignment? This wretch denies me the joy of his terror and despair and you interrupt a rather messy denouement! I am most displeased!"

"That is none of my affair or concern," said the colorless voice, drab as an autumn twilight, "I am conducting an audit and need both of you to complete a rather lengthy questionnaire, in triplicate mind you, before you may proceed with your usual duties."

"Seriously?!" said the astonished Thing, fearing that greatest invention of evil, bureaucracy, was finally infiltrating the very power structure that had given it birth.

"I'm afraid so," said the beige entity, "I do hope you have the requisite pen and ink?"

At this, the Innkeeper and his kidnapper could not help but exchange a startled look of amusement at the minion's inanity, as said kidnapper replied briskly, "our surroundings are hardly conducive to any sort of academic work, no matter how vital!"

"Then let us be off," hissed the annoyed minion, the first emotion he had yet or would ever show, "I am an important Thing and have things to do!" With a mutual shrug, the primary Thing, the Innkeeper, and the Auditor all vanished back to the Library they had just vacated.

At the sudden appearance of two Things, one obviously some sort of bureaucratic minion, in their midst, the Gentlemen reached for their missing swords, but the innkeeper turned librarian's wry smile set them immediately at ease, for something very strange, and probably rather amusing, was happening and they would not miss it for the world. Spat the Drab One, "you two will do well as Proctors; prepare for the Examination." The pair exchanged one of those mystified glances this occupation had made them so good at and immediately set to work. Soon enough, the Primary Thing and the erstwhile Innkeeper were busy filling out, in triplicate, an extensive survey of their activities since the dawn of time.

Some years later, the Tedious Thing collected their papers and hissed, "you may proceed with your interrupted activities, but remember, we are always watching!"

As it vanished, Gentleman the First asked of the innkeeper/librarian, "what was all that about?"

"Some sort of auditor or something," said the man with a frown.

The Thing actually joined their conversation, his usual malice momentarily forgotten under his own astonishment, "I did not think there was any form of wickedness or cruelty my Dread Master had not yet discovered, employed, or exploited, but it seems he has taken his evil to an even greater depth by organizing a bureaucracy to manage his nefarious affairs."

"I am quite in agreement with you," said Gentleman II, "this is a most troubling revelation, especially for you and yours." The innkeeper seemed rather perplexed as the Second continued, "the greatest enemy of order, justice, efficiency, freedom, and common sense is Bureaucracy, but the greatest enemy of any bureaucracy is itself."