The Sleepless Book Reviews [CLOSED FOR CATCHUP)

VAGABOND: Deserter by Hyde_Alen - reviewed by Ctrain8

Username: Hyde_Alen

Title: Vagabond: Deserter
Genre: Fantasy
Amount of reviewed chapters: 10
Reviewer: Ctrain8

1. Title
I think the title is pretty good, especially paired with the subtitle of Deserter. I have nothing to critique here.

2. Cover
The cover is gorgeous. Mekaikuchu did a wonderful job. It gives off impressions of desctrution, conflict, mystery, and a strange reality. Good job. Nothing to critique here.

3. Description 
Your description is a little strange. To be blunt, I don't think it's that good. Here's why:

It doesn't tell us anything about the story/plot/conflict, the character, the world, or anything else. It's extremely vague and only discusses the pros and cons of untethered freedom. And it does all of this in unsatisfactory writing since the tense is constantly changing in the description.

I always find grading things like the description to be pretty funny, since it's not terribly important. But, these first three points of title, cover, and description is what the readers first see before they choose to click on your book. So, if I were you, I would scrap the entire thing and write a new one.

4. Plot
This whole story feels like a series of side quests. In a way, I suppose that works with who the character is, but in a narrative perspective it doesn't work. There's nothing really linking everything together beyond the very beginning of how he doesn't know who he is. There's no overall strand keeping the scenes together, which is crucial. You neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to have each scene further the plot. I was especially thinking this during the early flute scene. I was just waiting for something to happen, or for your MC to do something, but he just drifts between scenes. We never really discover a plot beyond the mysterious name and the nobility until chapter 9, when the strange powers are finally introduced.

5. Writing
You definitely have a very vibrant world you want to share with us. Strange powers, glowing eyes, an interesting language, a lively city life and nobility. I enjoy that, and it definitely gave more color and flavor to the writing and the book as a whole. I thought I would mention that.

The first chapter struggles. It's just repeating the description. I already read that. Why would I want to waste my time reading it a second time, or perhaps risking a terrifying possibility of a wattpad promoted 15 second advertisement when I go to chapter two? That's a joke, but in all seriousness I would scrap that.

You should use your second chapter as the first one instead. You can put that note at the beginning or end of that chapter, I don't really care, but the state that your first chapter is not good.

General writing of action and imagery is a little awkward. You describe everything in a way that's overly detailed. Many of the actions are like "I quickened my fast sprint, and went faster because of it." See what I mean? Your imagery is like that, too. This isn't really something that can be changed with a quick fix, so it's more of a read-a-lot-write-a-lot and evolve your voice as a writer type of solution.

Then I find there's random passages with no purpose, at least not to the scene. Maybe the flute chapter has a very deep significance, but to the scene and moment it's pointless. I'm not gonna read past that as a normal reader and reach whatever significance you have in mind if I'm bored out.

Your tenses are all over the place. Before you do anything else you gotta fix the tenses, and it honestly may be in a state severe enough that you may need to just rewrite the whole thing. It's like pottery, even if I know nothing about pottery. If you make it flawed and throw it into the kiln then there's no fixing it after it's finished and hardened.

For that reason, I will stop the writing section here.

6. Characters 
Let's talk about your MC briefly, and then I'll sum everyone up. Unfortunately there isn't a whole lot to talk about. He's a drifter, yes, but beyond that it feels like he's just drifting between scenes. There's no push from him to do annnnnything. It's a little boring and bizarre at the same time, and I really wish he had some sort of mission of sense of purpose because it feels like there's nothing really going on, as I talked about in the plot section.

7. Overall
I'm not gonna say a whole lot here, since I don't need to. This will require a rewrite, and maybe a refocus on what story you're trying to tell. I know you have that big idea in your head, and that's great! But while point B may be very beautiful and fantastic, it's still 1,000 miles away. You're going to have to make us love the journey to that big idea as much as you'll make us love that big idea you have in mind. I really do think your world is cool and interesting, but it's all about how you show it to us. Good luck, and keep writing!