The Sleepless Book Reviews [CLOSED FOR CATCHUP)

Delicious Destiny by __kaytlyn - reviewed by Ctrain8

Username: __kaytlyn
Title: Delicious Destiny
Genre: Romance
Amount of reviewed chapters: 4
Reviewer: Ctrain8

Before we start, I just want to thank you for your enormous patience with me and with this review, as I know you've waited a while for this. Unfortunately, I've been crazy busy, but with a couple things off my plate I can finally get back to reviews. Hopefully.

And as a disclaimer, I only reviewed 4 chapters. Why? It is because I'm changing my rules. I will assist everyone to the best of my time and ability, and I cannot do that under the circumstances with the current rules. This is supposed to be a 10 chapters + review shop, but if it is so difficult to read that I push other writers back with more wait time it isn't fair to others. Before you focus on characters and development, plot, story, writing flow, world/setting, general dialogue and description, you will need to fix the biggest problem. In other terms, don't worry about what color the car should be when the wheels are missing.

1. Title
A very peculiar title, it does make a reader curious. The alliteration has a nice effect, and the title hints toward a favorable outcome, which is very appropriate for a romance story.

2. Cover
I think the cover is gorgeous, and fitting as well. I don't think I qualify artistically, or under enough experience, to really review covers. But, from what I can tell, it looks good. I like the color scheme of bronze, white, black, and gray. It's simple and pretty, and that's really all that you need. Although, I do think you should make your name bigger and easier to read on it.

3. Description 
Time to crack down. I'll be blunt, I don't like it, and for multiple reasons. I only give the excuse for poor grammar if English is not someone's native language, and considering I cannot find any reason hinting of you not being a native English speaker I'm gonna dig my fangs in. It's painful to read, and you really need to fix it up grammatically. However, if you are indeed Polish or Bolivian or Mongolian or whatever the heck then don't worry about it and get a line editor or at the very least just someone to read through and clean up the sentence structure.

Beyond grammar, the character voice is pretty strange. It's like she (or he, but I'm assuming she because of the cover) has a child's mind when it comes to intuition. Only after he reassures her does her paranoia die down and she reverts to her previous conclusion that Ryan is a good guy. It's weird, it's ugly, and should be fixed.

Overall for the description, it should be changed and just redone. I'm not one to really critique descriptions a whole lot, since I've yet to update my own, but there are some things necessary in a description. These include, but are (or maybe are?) not limited to: 

Plot

Characters

Setting

Conflict

That's just about it, I suppose. Again, take this with a grain of salt since cover, title, and description aren't that important. I think wattpadders (wattpaders?) obsess over these 3 way too much.

4. Plot
So everything seems pretty fine, besides the fact there isn't that much conflict introduced in the first couple chapters. I have some questions. What special ceremony is taking away the two instructors? Why can't a single instructor go and one other assist with the wedding? It's a little vague and could use more solid reasons why Arun is taking the two instructors away from the other project.

5. Writing
The first chapter is the most important chapter. It's the one where you are supposed to capture the reader's attention, paint the picture, establish the setting, and do all those other cliché and literary phrases. It's also a chapter that (due to me not having a better word) you are supposed to implement a hook. This can be action, characters, worldbuilding, or just about anything as long as it's unique to your work and well done. We don't see this here. We get an infodump and a poor beginning. Hell, we even get her height and age in the third sentence. It would not be an exaggeration to say this needs to be rewritten completely. Not just the hook, but the entire first chapter. Do not take this with a grain of salt.

To go off of my description criticism, in general the grammar is poor. This is a turn off for readers. You could have a wonderful story and great characters and a vibrant world and setting, but if the grammar is poor I'm not gonna bother reading it. There shouldn't really be any bumps in the flow of the language, because if there are and if there are enough, they drive the car off the road.

I do find it a bit interesting that it's written like a play, which is something I don't often read, so I will refrain from critiquing any of the relating elements, although there is one thing that irks me. I don't think it is proper formatting/playwriting etiquette to have the actions be in the first person, or have anything be in the first person, for that matter. I could be wrong, but check it out anyway. And funny that I should mention that, because it shifts between first and third person pretty often, so it's very hard to read.

I find it a bit dorky whenever each character first says Sir! when they talk to Mr. Jackson. I suppose it goes hand in hand with how goofy your characters are, which can be good, but I think you'd need to make that fact more obvious so we aren't wondering if it's supposed to be lighthearted in the beginning or not.

You also tell things in a very straightforward and plain way. You give her height instead of calling her tall or giving a detail about how she compares to others around her. This is a general descriptive and narrative issue, and is only learned from writing and writing and writing some more. There's really no other way to fix it besides reading and writing a whole lot.

6. Characters 
Your characters are funny, quirky, and pretty enjoyable. They're introduced pretty poorly, as I said with the first chapter, and they lack some substance. What I mean is that they don't appear that real since we don't see many specific traits, and flaws, too. I talk about this a little bit later, but for now I'll be blunt and tell you this. They read like props instead of people.

7. Overall
Overall, this needs tremendous edits for it to function. POVs shift, the grammar is messy, characters seem pretty bleak and flat, and the general understanding of setting and time/place is either micromanaged by times given at the start of the chapter or doesn't appear at all. Before you give it to review shops for character, story, narrative, or writing flow focus, you'll need to have it cleaned and sewn up grammatically and on the small scale. This can be done with a line editor or if you go through it line by line yourself with hyper-awareness.

I know I was blunt in this review, and try not to be too terrible. I phrase the criticism in that way only if this stuff is extra important, because the important things don't need flowers and pillows.

It is very important you take this with a nod and a handshake, and it is very important you keep writing and reading and don't stop. I wish you good luck on your journey as a writer, and good luck on your book, and I thank you not only for your patience but for your courage to reach out and strive for improvement, as it isn't easy. Happy Holidays!