Her Portrait Is Black and White

Weakness

Tina woke gasping for breath. It had been a while since one of her nightmares had haunted her, she was physically shaking. She slowly got out of bed, not wanting to wake Bette. She moved slowly into the nursey and looked at Xavier. He was sleeping peacefully. She slowly reached out and touched him.

"I'm not worthy of you," Tina said softly. "I don't deserve you or Bette in my life. I am scared I'm going to fail you. I can't be the best for you. I'm sorry little man you're better off without me." Tina turned and gently closed the door to the nursey.

She went into the walk into closet and dressed in baggy trousers and a t-shirt. She picked up her car keys. Leaving her phone and purse in the bedroom. She walked out of the house, softly closing the door. She got into the car, started the engine and drove away from the house.

***

Bette woke to Xavier crying. She looked over and saw the bed beside her was empty. She reached out and noticed the bed was cold. She frowned before she got up and went to her son.

"Hey baby boy, where is your mommy?" Bette picked him up and his cries become whimpers and she moved down stairs, noticing the house locked up. She walked around. Opening the French doors she walked out and saw the studio wasn't even open. She was panicking but she knew she had to remain calm while she had Xavier in her arms. He needed feeding.

She walked back into the house

"Tina, where are you baby?" Bette walked around the house, checking all the rooms. She couldn't find her, she walked back upstairs and saw that her phone and purse were still there. She looked out of the window and saw that the gates to the ranch were open and Tina's car was gone. Bette walked back down stairs and checked again, Tina was gone.

Bette called the police

"911 whats the nature of your emergency?"

"My wife has gone missing, she's left everything and her car is gone."

"Calm down ma'am, how long as she been gone?"

"I don't know, I woke up when our son was crying. She's gone. She's left everything...she's gone." Bette felt tears of her own. She answered the questions as the lady asked her. She was scared. This wasn't like Tina. The operator took all their details and told her the police would be out. Bette feed Xavier and then called Shane

"Shane,"

"Bette, what's the matter?" Shane could hear the panic in Bette's voice.

"Shane, Tina has gone, please come."

"What do you mean?" Shane said.

"Tina's gone, I woke up this morning and her car is gone."

"We are coming," Shane said, knowing that something was terribly wrong.

"Thank you please hurry,"

"We are coming,"

Bette put the phone down and sat with Xavier in his stroller beside her. He was sleeping completely unaware of what was happening. Bette's world was falling apart and her wife, the woman she loved more than anything had disappeared in the night.

***

Tina knew she was running out of gas. She pulled the car to the side of the road and got out and started walking, heading up into the mountains. Her mind was racing. Her body was shaking. She wasn't good enough for the life she had. She didn't deserve the woman she had married or the child she had given birth too. She was weak. Her mind was racing. She was not good enough for people to enjoy her art. She wasn't good enough. Her mothers voice in her head telling her she was talentless and that she would never get anywhere. She could hear Rachel telling her that they would ran away together. Her father beating her because he thought he would get rid of the gay. All the things she had been hiding for so long. Things she hadn't told anyone. They were playing in her head. Things she had hidden in past.

Tina stopped and clung to a tree, slumping down, she cried.

"I love my son, I love him. I love my wife. I love my wife. I love my life. But I'm not good enough for them, I'm not good enough to be with them. I'm broken."

***

Bette paced up and down, Shane and Alice sat on the sofa watching her both of them speechless it had been hours since they had arrived. Bette was taking care of Xavier but at the same time their friends could see the worry and fear in her. The police and been and gone, they were looking for Tina.

"Bette can I get you a drink?" Shane asked

"I..."

"You need to keep your strength up, you've got Xavier to think about."

"I know, I know, coffee would be good. Thank you,"

Shane got up and walked into the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine. There was a knock on the door. Bette opened the door and two uniformed police officers stood there. She moved out of the way and let me them.

"Good evening Ms Porter,"

"Hi, have you found her?"

"No, I'm sorry we've found her car about 200 miles from her, it was out of gas. She's on foot now. We are still looking for her but she's in a wild area away from the city. If she doesn't want to be found she won't be."

"Please don't give up on her," Bette begged.

"We won't. We just wanted to keep you informed."

"Thank you, please find her if you can, her son needs her. I need her."

"We will do our best." The officer said.

***

Tina took a deep breath, the cold air filling her lungs as she walked. She had walked out of the woods onto the road. She was tired. she felt guilt. Guilt that she had left her son. That she had left Bette sleeping. There was so much emotion, so much going around in her head. she couldn't cope with it. She wanted to scream, she wanted the mental pain to stop. She needed it to stop. The memories of her father, her mother. The memories she had hidden for so long in the back of her mind. The pain she had kept secret and explained why she was the way she was.

Tina rubbed her arms. She could feel the cuts she had managed to do with a sharp piece of glass she had found. She had needed physical pain to stop the mental ones. She could feel the blood still running down her arm. She stumbled; she was weak. She hadn't eaten or drank in hours. She heard a car coming towards her. She took a deep breath making the choose, did she run into the road and end it all or would she stay where she was. Her mind was racing and she had to make that snape decision.

She chose to move out of the way, she took a deep breath. She saw it was a police car. They slowed when they saw her and simply sat on the floor and let the tears flow again.