Phoenix | hs au

18 - Choices

Huge monetary prize and recognition versus an emotional weekend in Chicago facing my old abuser--seems like the answer would be easy.

"Oh, Harry." I mutter, rubbing my temples.

"It's okay." He comes to sit besides me on the bed, "The band is already entered no matter what, we did it while Finn was still in the picture."

"Could you get him back for the weekend?"

"No." Harry shakes his head, "He's ghosting both me and Ash."

"Oh." Is all I say.

"It's Friday and Saturday. Two performances each day from each band. Might get drug out to Sunday if lots of bands have entered."

"How's it work?" I ask.

"We aren't really sure, they'll pick genres out of a hat it seems like for each performance. It can be completely random." He tries to explain.

"That sounds stressful." I chuckle.

"I was looking at flights and stuff. I would have to leave Saturday morning at the latest to make it. It sounds like it can last more than one day. I'm not sure how this kind of thing works." I admit.

Harry readjusts his position on the bed to put his hand on my shoulder, "I'm so sorry you have to do this Katie."

"Wait." I say, "Does this mean you can't come with me?"

Harry groans, "We put a lot of our earnings as a band towards entering the competition. We can't let it go to waste, we don't have any more money if we lose."

"Oh." I say.

I stand up then, going to take a shower in my bathroom. Harry flops back on my bed once I get up, I hear the mattress shift.

So he's picking the band over me, then.

---

I look like a mess at work the next morning. I just pulled my hair back into a bun and walked out the door, basically. Thankfully, its a stormy day in Phoenix and not many people are out and about so the book store stays pretty quiet.

Good or bad, it gives me lots of time to think.

I ultimately understand what Harry said. They put all their savings into entering this competition, I can't just ask them to throw that all away.

This also means I'll be in Chicago by myself. Which I don't like thinking about at all.

I thought Harry would understand better my desire to do this, with his sister Gemma's death and all.

I think back to when he first talked about her--the heartbreak in his eyes--and the pictures he showed me of the two of them.

She was a victim of a drunk driving incident, her lover being the driver in question. She and I have a lot in common, come to find out, in terms of unhealthy relationships. Only difference is, I survived my abuser.

I browse plane tickets absentmindedly during my shift, there's still plenty of flights available, whether or not I decide to go Friday or Saturday morning.

Thinking of being alone in Chicago makes my stomach churn. I had at least hopped that Harry would be coming with, but now that that's out of question, I dread going even more. It's over a month away, maybe something will change?

The day drags on and I really don't feel like going to class tonight. I can't miss the second one, though, that would give me more anxiety.

I close up a little early to make it to campus on time. It's not easy to get from Mesa to Tempe quickly at this time of day.

I walk into class as soon as the professor begins talking. I set my things down at an empty desk and take deep breaths to settle my rapid heart--I had to jog up the stairs and down the corridor to make it in time.

I take notes and listen to his lecture on autopilot, hardly absorbing anything. I just wish I had someone to rant to about all this, how unfair it is. I don't mean to sound whiny, but it's been a long week.

Ha, I haven't even been in school a week.

Class ends and I pack up my baby blue backpack and return home in southern Tempe. The house is dark when I arrive and I'm even more surprised to see Harry isn't home when I walk in.

Not even a note on the counter or a text. Men.

I just take a quick shower and crawl into bed, feeling unmotivated to do much else. I run through scenarios in my head.

I can stay and perform with the band Friday night, maybe helping them win. Or, I can get to Chicago Friday night and ease my anxiety knowing I'm already there. Or, I can forget going to Chicago at all.

It's doubtful Brandon could track me to Phoenix, but still knowing he's out there would make me constantly feel like I have to look over my shoulder.

Sure he found me once in Chicago, but that was only one state over and I had already told him of my daydreams of living in the Windy City. I'd never mentioned Phoenix to him before, frankly, because I'd never imagined I'd live out here. There's so many what-ifs circling around in my brain, I'm beginning to feel dizzy.

I pull the blankets up over my head, making myself into a little cocoon. Worrying about it right now won't save anything. So much can happen between now and then.

Besides, I've got another show with the boys tomorrow night at a new place. I didn't like my aesthetic during my first on stage performance. I feel like I didn't fit in. I might have to aim more for the fishnets under ripped jeans look. I felt too polished, like I was still in a quaint coffee shop in a hipster town. Everything is more raw and real out here, I might as well adjust to that.

I must've fallen asleep before Harry came home from wherever he was, but when I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm comforted by his arm slung protectively around my waist.