Before I Go

Chapter 12- 4. Break A Rule

4. Break a rule

"I think I can help you out with both numbers four and five this weekend. We can break a rule by sneaking out and going to the party," says Ash, her eyes roaming over the paper containing my list. My eyes quickly snap to her, taking in her form as she sprawls carelessly across my bed. She looks so relaxed. Carefree. As if there's absolutely nothing at all terrifying about the words she just said.

I can't relate at all.

I can feel my panic rising as her words echo through my mind. In my best attempt to silence the negativity of my thoughts, I breathe deeply through my nose. I know it's on my list, but that doesn't ease the fear currently gnawing on my insides at the idea of actually doing those things. I take a deep breath, trying to collect myself. I just need to calm down. My hands wring together, and I clear the lump in my throat before admitting aloud, "I'm really nervous about these two." My voice trails off at the end of my statement as worries swirl through my head. There are so many things that could go wrong in this situation. So many terrible, embarrassing things that could happen at a party filled with what will likely be close to the entire high school population. Or, at least, all of the more popular kids. They already hate me when they're sober; I can't imagine what they'll do while drunk or possibly under the influence of... well, whatever teenagers do at parties. I guess I wouldn't really know. As much as I want to go to the party, I can't seem to talk myself down from the cliff of anxiety that I'm teetering on.

"I know," Ashton replies, straightening herself up so she can look directly at me. She locks her gaze on me, observing me for a few seconds, trying to figure out the best way to approach the subject; at least, that's what I'm assuming she's doing. Her eyes hold a gentle reassurance and a kindness that still feels entirely foreign to me. It's both comforting and frightening at the same time, but I can't help but appreciate it all the same. "But I'll be with you the whole time, and I won't let anything bad happen to you; I promise."

"What if my dad catches me, though?" I ask nervously, my voice both quiet and shaking as I chew on my bottom lip. Voicing my biggest of fears about actually going through with this plan aloud has the pit in my stomach growing infinitely deeper. I can feel it threatening to overtake me completely, but I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to withstand it this time.

Ashton shrugs, but the expression on her face never changes. She seems so sure of herself and confident that everything will work out that I find myself slightly calming. It's probably the weirdest thing I've ever experienced; no one has been able to back me away from the edge so easily before. Well, not that anyone has ever really tried, that is. "Well, we have a few days to finalize our plans. Everything will be okay, Morgan, trust me."

Everything will be okay; just trust Ash. I can do this.

"Plus, Parker invited you himself. I think that's a massive added bonus to crossing two more things off your list," Ash tells me with a broad smile and an unidentifiable gleam in her eyes. I think that she may be even more excited about the possibility of me bumping into Parker at the party than I am.

And I have to admit that I'm pretty freaking excited.

I can't help but smile back, my cheeks tinting pink at the idea of seeing Parker. "Okay, you've convinced me," I finally concede, the excitement bubbling more vigorously in my stomach than I could have expected; I don't really have any idea what's coming over me. "But... I can't guarantee that I won't freak out and change my mind a hundred times before then."

"It's okay, Morgan. I've got you," Ashton says comfortingly.

I find myself wholeheartedly wanting to believe her, but my racing thoughts refuse to slow. I'm going to sneak out of my house. I'm going to sneak out of my house and go to a party full of people.

Crap.

What if this is a bad idea? Or my dad catches me? What if something horrible happens at the party?

What if Parker isn't even there? Or worse, what if he only invited me as a joke?

What if Ash is having so much fun that she leaves me alone at the party? Then what do I do...?

"Quit overthinking, Morgs. I promise everything will be okay," Ashton says, reassuring me again. She's certainly quite good at knowing exactly what I need to hear. I can't decide whether or not I like that she can read me so easily. It's as if it comes naturally to her, with no added effort at all. It's like she can tell exactly what's going on in my head right now. It's... kind of scary, I have to admit. But, like, a good scary, if that makes sense.

"Morgs?" I question, deciding to distract myself from all thoughts of the party entirely. It's probably for the best to put it on the back burner for now and worry about it when the time actually comes. Besides, I wouldn't want to make Ash feel uncomfortable just because I can't shut off my brain for a few minutes. That wouldn't be fair to her.

She shrugs again. "It was the only nickname I could think of," Ash admits, twirling her hair around her finger. "Do you hate it?"

I shake my head. "No, I don't hate it," I reply. In fact, the nickname gives way to a pleasant warmth in my belly. I'm not entirely sure how to describe it, but I do know that it doesn't feel like a bad thing.

"Good. Morgs it is," Ash replies, smiling proudly.

The sheer happiness on her face makes me feel happy, too.