Before I Go

Chapter 16- Aftermath

I try with all my might to sleep the day away in hopes that the pain will somehow magically disappear with it. It doesn't, of course. I groan aloud at the sound of my phone pinging for the twentieth time, alerting me to the new text messages I've accumulated while napping. It's still so strange to me to suddenly have someone who wants to talk to me. Spending a few minutes reading through the many texts from Ash, I decide that it's easier to call her than to try to type out an acceptable response.

"Morgs!" she squeals into the phone excitedly, her voice loud enough that I have to move it away from my ear or risk permanently losing all sense of hearing. "Well? Did you make it inside unnoticed?"

I silently mull over my response for a second, attempting to find the best way to say that I got royally reamed without making Ashton feel guilty. It's not her fault that I completely disregarded my parents' rules and selfishly snuck out of the house to attend a party or that I just happened to get caught while failing to return unnoticed. Sure, she kind of encouraged my recklessness, but I can't place the blame on her for my own choices. "Uh, not... exactly," is stupidly all that I can come up with, and it actually makes me feel worse that I find myself unable to give her the response she's hoping for. I can almost hear Ash's face drop at my answer, her excitement about our little escapade last night immediately diminishing. My heart falls along with it; I hate that I've made her feel bad.

"Are you okay?" she asks carefully, her voice much quieter now than it had been initially and filled with evident concern. "How did it go?"

I force myself not to cry as I tell her about my mother waiting up for me last night and about the argument between my parents this morning. My voice cracks slightly as I pour out the details, and I have to take a minute to compose myself before I can even begin to tell her about the intense lecture from my dad. After I've spilled my guts to my new best friend, it isn't long before my thoughts circle back to the party itself. I completely humiliated myself there at the end, didn't I?

Did Parker think I'm weird for leaving like that? Why was that person so mean? Did Parker actually enjoy talking to me before I fell on him...?

"I'm so sorry, Morgs," Ash says solemnly, interrupting my overthinking. I can tell she's blaming herself for all my negative feelings, and it just makes me feel like utter crap. While I know that it wasn't her intention, I can't help but feel incredibly guilty for making her feel like she is at fault for my mom and dad's completely reasonable reactions to my stupidity. "I shouldn't have convinced you to go out last night," she murmurs, the regret in her voice making my chest ache in the worst way.

I sigh quietly, searching my brain for the words to explain that it isn't her fault. Absolutely none of what happened is her fault. And I'm not even the slightest bit upset with her. Even if it hadn't been on my bucket list, Ashton didn't force me to go; I made that decision for myself, and I am the only one who can be blamed for it.

This... is all on me.

Before I can make myself voice a response, she says, "I'm sorry about what happened at the party, too. That girl was disgustingly rude. But Parker looked pretty happy to be talking to you last night if that makes you feel any better."

My cheeks begin to warm up just thinking about it. Parker looked happy? A weird sensation ignites in my chest, and I can feel my lips turning up into a small smile. "Y-yeah, maybe," I reply, unsure what else to say as I snuggle into my blankets like they'll somehow save me from the overwhelming new feelings brewing in my belly.

"So, how does it feel? To cross two more things off your list?" Ash asks, failing to hide the excitement in her voice. Although I can't see her, I could guess just by her tone that she's probably smiling. Like, a gigantic smile takes up half her face, knowing her.

"Good, I guess. I might even be a little proud of myself... those two were pretty difficult for me to complete," I tell my friend honestly, but the truth behind my statement doesn't stop the blush rising in my cheeks.

"You should be proud of yourself!" Ashton exclaims enthusiastically. "It's definitely a big deal, Morgs. You should be really proud. So what's next on the list? What's number six?"

Number six...?

Oh, no...

I take a deep breath before answering, trying to figure out the best way to say it out loud. I don't even have to look at the paper to know. Number six is big--really, really big. While everything on the list is kind of out of my comfort zone, this one... Well, this one is so far out of the zone that it may as well be in outer space or something. And I just... I don't know if it's something I'm ready for just yet. "Uh... I was thinking that maybe we need to wait a little bit before we move onto number six," I finally say. I pause for a moment, forcing myself to relax even slightly. Gulping down my fear as best I can, I quietly offer, "Maybe we can meet up tomorrow and talk about it?"

Ashton agrees immediately, and a rush of relief fills my chest at the confirmation. At least I've bought myself another day before I have to overthink about it anymore. Well, my chaotic mind will likely still force me to obsess over it anyway, but I can keep my crazy thoughts to myself, right? Ash takes the cue to change the subject, and conversation flows much more easily once my mind is off the list.