Before I Go

Chapter 36- Certainly Not Complaining

Warning: This chapter mentions cutting. Reader discretion is advised.

"Ash," I whisper into the phone, trying like hell to keep my voice from breaking. It's much more challenging than I had anticipated to sound composed right now, and my voice comes out more like a breathy, practically inaudible squeak than anything. However, I can't feel embarrassed about it; I'm far too preoccupied drowning in other emotions right now.

Ashton's concerned voice filters through the device pressed against my ear, and I'm so consumed with whatever I'm going through that I can hardly hear her, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure her panic has dramatized her volume. "Morgs? Are you okay?" she asks, a loud clatter following shortly after the words. I don't respond; I don't know if I'm even able to right now. "Are you home? I can come over," she blurts out quickly, and I'm suddenly flooded with guilt for making her worry about me like this.

I take a deep, shaky breath before stuttering through the sobs that are violently escaping me, "Y-yeah, I'm h-home." It's all I can say, the only few words that I'm able to force out, thanks to the overwhelming exertion of my pained cries.

"Okay, I'll be there in ten minutes," she assures, her tone holding a promise within it. "Just hang on, Morgs. I'll be there soon."

Unable to bring myself to answer verbally, I simply nod my head, even knowing that Ash can't see me. I don't really think that matters right now, though; I'm sure she understands. Closing my eyes, I let my tears fall freely, staining my cheeks and shirt with their salty wetness.

Ashton arrives at my house in just under the specified ten minutes, rushing straight up to my bathroom, seeming to know exactly what is going on right now without having to be told. When she enters the room, she immediately sees me crying on the floor, a razor blade held tightly in my hand. She approaches me slowly, cautiously, her hands held out in front of her slightly as if she's sneaking up on a wounded animal or something; I can't help but feel like that's precisely what I am at this moment. "Morgan?" she asks quietly, and I can hear her voice wavering slightly.

I can only hum in response, not even bothering to try to speak. This... This is too much. It's all too much for me. I don't know what to do.

"I'm glad you called me," Ash says softly, carefully lowering herself to the floor to sit beside me. "Thank you for asking me for help."

Confusion hits me hard, like a wave of the ocean swallowing me whole. Absolutely nothing about this entire situation makes any sense to me. "Y-you're thanking me for bringing you into this mess...?" I question her, my brows knitting together as I try to figure out what the hell is happening right now.

Ashton nods slightly, leaning her head back against the wall and folding her hands into her lap. "Morgan, I'm thanking you for letting me be here for you. For allowing me to do my job as your friend. For letting me help you," she replies gently. "I know it must be hard to ask for help, but you did it, Morgan. And I'm so thankful that you did."

"I... I didn't do it," I whisper, practically choking on the statement as it leaves my throat. "I didn't... cut myself," I clarify, my eyes shooting to the shining silver blade still gripped firmly in my hand.

She smiles a little, her head nodding again as she says, "I know, Morgan. You did well." Holding out her hand with the palm up, she softly asks, "Can I have the razor?"

I shake my head. I can't give it to her, not right now. The urge to mar my skin to relieve my emotional pain is still profoundly prominent. Handing over the blade right now is something I don't think I'm capable of doing. However, I know that having Ashton beside me will lessen the chance that I'll actually cause myself physical harm or possibly even eliminate it entirely; I wouldn't want her to have to watch such a horrific thing.

"Okay, you can hold onto it, then," she replies carefully, returning her hand to her lap. I can't quite figure out if she's trying to placate me, so I don't do something stupid in front of her or if she genuinely understands that I simply cannot give up the blade right now. "Do you want me to call Parker for you?" Ashton asks, her voice remaining low and soothing. "I think he'd want to help you, too."

I take a few deep breaths as I mull over her question; I definitely don't want Parker Adams to see me like this. But at the same time, another comforting presence might help to ease my emotional turmoil. "Okay," I whisper, although I'm not entirely sure that it really is okay with me; I suppose it can't really hurt. Can it?

Ashton quickly takes her phone from her pocket and calls Parker. She doesn't give him many details about the current predicament, but she tells him that she's here with me and that I need him. I need him. Hearing Ash say those words to Parker Adams has my stomach flurrying with intense anxiety, which I attempt to calm by closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing. Before I know it, Parker is sitting in front of me on my bathroom floor, the sheer concern in his expression making my heart ache.

"I'm here, Morgan," he soothes in that soft, sweet voice of his. "I'm here for you."

I can't stop the cry that escapes me; I want nothing more than to wrap myself in his arms right now and hide away from the whole world.

"I'm gonna give you two some privacy," Ash says before standing up and leaving the bathroom. She quietly closes the door behind her, leaving Parker and me alone.

"Can I take that...?" Parker asks cautiously, pointing at the razor blade still in my hand. I hadn't even noticed that my grasp on it was so tight that my fingers had been turning white.

My head nods without my permission, surprising even me as I silently allow Parker to gently remove the weapon from my hand. After placing it safely on the counter behind him, he links our fingers together.

I'm not sure how long we sit there, silently soaking in the presence of one another as my body struggles to calm down, but I eventually say, "I think I'm ready to get off this floor. I don't think I need to be here right now."

With a tender smile, this sweet boy helps me to stand before wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me into a comforting hug. All the tension remaining in my body suddenly melts away, and I relax into his hold; it really is everything that I need at this moment. Honestly, I could probably hug Parker Adams forever if it weren't for...

"Parker?" I ask, my voice muffled by his shirt as I press my face into his chest.

"Yeah, Sunshine?" he answers, tenderly stroking a hand over my back.

"I just realized I'm not wearing any pants..." I mutter before lifting my face to catch his gaze.

Parker smiles at me as he says, "Well, I'm certainly not complaining."