speak now | grayson dolan

chapter twenty one: my tears ricochet

grayson

I can feel a burning rage building in my chest as I stomp through the door of my condo. Throwing my keys on the kitchen counter, I run a hand through my hair and harshly tug on it. I drove home with shaky hands gripped around the steering wheel.

My mind is racing with a million different thoughts. I officially hit my breaking point. All of my emotions are rushing to the surface as I pace around my living room.

My face is turning red from holding in my tears. I haven't cried in a very long time, and it's taking every ounce of me to not break down.

What have I done? How could I stand there and reject the one girl who makes me question my life decisions? I knew I was getting way too deep at Adam's party.

Seeing Aiden flirt with her got me all riled up when it shouldn't have. I was the one that wanted to keep it casual. It was me who desperately wanted this fling. My attraction to Kenzie was too strong for me to fight off.

Connor coming back into her life made me snap into reality. We shouldn't be sneaking around and sleeping together anymore. He can give her the perfect relationship that she deserves.

As much as I hate to admit it, I didn't necessarily lie to her. I'm not thinking about a serious relationship at the moment, and that's all Kenzie craves. I thought us knowing each other for years wouldn't affect our physical relationship, but I was wrong.

I just fucked up everything. Kenzie was the one girl who made me feel the most comfortable with myself. She would never judge me or treat me differently. My reputation didn't matter to her.

I can't believe she's in love with me. My chest aches as I continue to pace around my living room. She doesn't just love me like a normal best friend, she's in love with me. Nobody has ever said that to me before, it terrified me.

I always dumped my previous girlfriends before they could say that dreaded three word statement. That meaning and commitment always scared the shit out of me. I can't get Kenzie's words out of my head. God, I was such a dick to her.

The look on her face when I told her I didn't fall in love will never leave my brain. It's permanently engraved in my mind and will haunt me until the end of time.

Why didn't I say something different? That I've never been good at opening up and sorting out my feelings? I know I feel something for her deeply, but I can't fully process it. I've been too scared to accept it.

Everything she said to me was right. She called me out on my bullshit just like she always does. My body trembles as her voice echoes my mind. The way she yelled at me to get out will scar me forever. I can't believe I lost my best friend.

Kenzie hasn't left my side since fourth grade. I was devastated when she went off to college because I knew that I wouldn't be able to see her everyday.

She's been my person for thirteen years. How could I be so selfish? How could I let my ego get in the way of our friendship?

"Fuck!" I angrily yell. In a flash, the blue ceramic lamp sitting on my glass table gets flung across the room.

The object shatters into a million pieces. Ethan's bedroom door swings open at the loud sound of the crash. My heart rate is increasing as I continue to pace back and forth.

"Dude, what the hell?!" He yells, his eyes focusing on the broken lamp on the floor.

"I'll buy a new one." I mumble and keep my stare on the carpet. My eyes are starting to twitch.

"Are you okay? What's wrong with you? Why are you acting like a maniac?" He slowly says while stepping closer to me.

I can tell my behavior is scaring him. Hell, it's scaring me. My emotions are in a fit of rage and anger at myself. I'm the only person to blame for the mess that I created.