Chasing Astrid Malone

27. BROKEN AND BANDAGED

Cameron's truck was warm, too warm. I could feel beads of sweat forming on my face, and I wiped them away. He rolled his window down a few inches and turned the heat down, as I fanned my face with my hands. This was awkward and silent, neither of us knowing what to say.

Annoyance was building inside me, I shouldn't have to be the one trying to think of what to say. He shifted towards me keeping his eyes on the empty space between us. It's late and I don't want to be here, if he doesn't speak soon I'm getting out and walking home.

No, I shouldn't have to walk home. I should be asleep in my bed. "Drive me home, you have until we get there to say what you want to say." I couldn't help feeling bad for how I was treating him, he deserved it, but those sad eyes tugged at my heart.

Cameron nodded and slowly started to drive. He still hadn't said a word. "Are you going to speak, or can I expect this to be a quiet ride home?" His utter defeat evident on his face, he slumped his shoulders and sighed. "What the hell Cameron? You wanted to talk to me, now I'm here, and you haven't said one word."

"I had so much I wanted to say, Astrid. I've gone over it a hundred times, I was prepared to beg and plead with you to forgive me. Seeing you now, I know it won't help. You hate me, you're making it pretty clear." Did he think I would get in his truck and smile, batting my lashes? So that's it, he's not even going to try.

I turned my body away from him, looking out the window. Good, it's better this way. I don't need to be that girl, who falls for the sweet words of a monster, never learning her lesson. But it was nagging at me inside that he wasn't even trying. "I don't hate you." The words that slipped out of my mouth surprised us both.

"That feels good to hear, but we both know you'll never forgive me. You blocked me from your phone, you've avoided me at school, and I saw you yesterday in the student parking lot with Tristan." This is not about me and Tristan, this is about him and what he did. Brenda's words found their way into my head again. If I were in his shoes, would I have told him?

"I didn't block you from my phone, I'm not sure who did that but I only found out today." I thought he just didn't care enough to call or text, or maybe it was all a game to him. I could feel myself softening and it scared me, it's easier to be mad at him.

"I'm sure I know who did it, the same guy who's been using my mistakes as a way to get close to you. I'm sure he's loving this." He doesn't know what he's talking about, Tristan has been good to me. I peaked at my phone hoping to see a text or call from him. Nothing.

I noticed Cameron driving the longest way possible back to my house. At this rate, I'll never get sleep tonight.

"My father hurt you, I can't help but feel responsible. He was drunk my whole life. He beat me almost nightly, and never missed an opportunity to tell me how I killed the love of his life. That I was born a murderer, and I deserved the beatings. If I had never been born, my dad would have been the same easy-going happy guy, I've only heard stories about. Your dad would be alive and you would be happy."

My heart ached for him and what his life had been like. I rubbed his arm letting him know I was listening.

"The day my father died was the happiest day of my life. The man he killed was just a man I didn't know. Until I went back to school and everyone was talking about you, and how you lost your dad. I felt guilty that my happiest day was your worst."

The day he was freed from abuse and suffering is the day I began to suffer in his place. His sixteen years of pain makes my two years of grief feel small.

"When I first saw you, I kept an eye on you, hoping you were an awful person. A person who deserved the pain you were in, but you weren't, you were perfect. I wanted to talk to you so many times, playing through possible scenarios, they all ended in you not wanting anything to do with me."