Chasing Astrid Malone

29. SELF CONTROL

Showered and dressed, I was ready to go see my brother. Brenda agreed to drive us to the hospital and to retrieve items from Josh's car. We got to the car first and Tristan collected their cell phones and we gathered as many personal items out of the car as we could find. Brenda used the time to touch up her makeup in the visor mirror. I'm sure she was worried about going to see Josh and wanted to look her best for him. The car was destroyed on the driver's side, making me realize how lucky we are that Josh survived.

The drive to the hospital was quiet and you could feel the nervous energy in the air. None of us were sure exactly what we were walking into. In my mind, Josh will have scrapes, bruising, and casts but will be his usual goofy self.

We arrived at the hospital and Tristan held my hand as we walked into the main entrance doors. My mom was waiting for us with a coffee in her hands. Dark circles under her eyes giving away her lack of sleep. "There you are! I was beginning to wonder if you were even coming. Josh is awake and talking. When I left the nurses were going in to clean him up and give him his meds, so I don't know how long we have before he will fall back asleep. They have him on pretty heavy pain meds so he's been in and out."

We followed behind her as she expertly found her way through the maze of halls, to the elevator, and Josh's room. My stomach was in knots as we walked into the hospital room. Tristan found my hand again and kept me close to him. I was grateful for his support and comfort. Josh was tucked in under blankets and had an IV drip as well as wires connected to him under there somewhere leading to the monitors next to him. He looked weak and fragile, in a way I've never seen him before. I didn't know what to say.

"It's ok guys come on in and sit down." My mom motioned to the two chairs in the room, as she went to his side. Two chairs and three of us. None of us moved, probably all having the same thought. My mom was inspecting the new bandages on Josh's head. I hesitantly walked to the other side of Josh, and Tristan and Brenda sat down in the chairs.

"Astroid?" Josh's voice was hoarse but what concerned me was the look of confusion he was giving me, as he called me by his childhood nickname for me. "Yeah Josh, it's me. How are you feeling?" He closed his eyes when he answered. "I'm ok, I think." He looked to my mom again, and she nodded to him like she would a young child.

The nurse came in with lunch for Josh and lifted his bed into a sitting position. "Sorry guys, I don't mean to interrupt your visit, but he needs to eat before his medicine takes effect again." She set up the food on his table in front of him, and I moved out of the way. My mom took over for the nurse and was feeding josh spoonfuls of soup or broth. Josh occasionally glanced over at Brenda and Tristan but didn't even say hello. The looks on their faces held the same confusion I was feeling, none of us wanting to ask my mom in front of him.

I stood next to Tristan still not sure if I should go back over or not. Tristan took my hand and pulled me closer until I was sitting on his lap. This would be incredibly awkward to do in front of my mom but right now it was the least of my concerns. "Hey, Joshy." Brenda had decided to take it into her own hands to make conversation, she's never been good at silence.

"Josh honey, you know Brenda she's Astrid's best friend. And that nice young man is your friend, Tristan." Josh nodded at us all and went back to eating. After Josh ate lunch my mom took Tristan and Brenda down to the cafeteria to get some food. I offered to stay behind with Josh, who barely acknowledged me. It's clear that he doesn't remember much and I decided to show him some pictures starting with the oldest ones I had on Facebook.

He seemed happy to see familiar faces and ask questions about the pictures. We had just gotten to my duck face phase when he asked me a question I was not prepared to answer. "Is Dad coming soon?" At first, I thought he meant pictures of Dad, but we had already passed a few. My chest tightened, and I knew I couldn't be the one to tell him that Dad was dead. So I lied, "yes, he'll be here as soon as he can."