The Real You || Jung Sungchan

Chapter 4

Miyoung:

I was riding my bike to school today since I didn't want to take the bus. I slept really late last night because I was too into my thoughts again. I kept thinking about ways to overcome my fear of people... but nothing helped so I went to bed. I got up early even though I slept late, so I decided to ride my bike to heal. Not that many people I know ride their bikes the same way as me, so I just take this time to feel the morning breeze and relax.

To be honest, I couldn't sleep last night. Not only was I worried about myself, I was worried about my dad in England, my mom and her own mental health, and my brother and his physical health. I was worried about my whole family. I know that if I show signs that I'm not feeling the best, all of my family members will drop their own problems to fix mine. Especially my mom. That's how she is with everyone.

Once I got to school, I got the same whispers surrounding me and of course when I enter the classroom, the same amount of gifts on my desk. Today I felt terrible, so I wanted to take all of the gifts home to surprise my mom and brother when I get home today. I don't have a shift at the convenience store today so I'm going home directly after school. Actually I did have a shift, but my boss texted me at 6am telling me that I don't have to come because he's making his son do my shift as a punishment. It was random but at least it made me smile in the morning.

"Hey, Miyoung. What are you doing after school? Wanna go to the mall?" Minji taps my shoulder and asks, I don't face her and shake my head.

"Oh... okay.. Next time then.." She backs away from my chair.

I took out my notebook and started writing.

"Do you want to hang out with me because I'm pretty... or do you want to hang out with me because you truly want to?"

"Why would you want to hang out with someone you don't even know?"

"You don't know who I am.. why do you want to be friends?"

After class, my desk mate went to go get snacks at the school shop and I put my head down to listen to music and rest. I was listening to my favorite song of all time: "Lonely" by Jonghyun ft. Taeyeon. Although it's a really sad song, I feel at ease whenever I listen to it. The lyrics and their voices make me feel human again. I close my eyes and just get lost in my thoughts. There have been many times where I end up falling asleep and my desk mate would have to wake me up, but ever since then, I've stopped. Maybe it's because I don't want him to talk to me or keep poking me like he did last time.

"Miyoung." Minji calls me from behind, I sit up slowly and take off my headphones.

"Yeah?" I turn around and face her, her face immediately turns red.

"Um... uhh.... I...." She starts, Kyungmi laughs.

"She's trying to ask you if you want to eat lunch with us." Kyungmi finishes for Minji, who's trying to control her red face.

"I'm skipping lunch today." I lie, I never skip lunch, I just don't like to eat with anybody.

"Again? You shouldn't skip your meals!" Minji says, putting on a worried look on her face.

"I'll be alright. You don't have to worry." I put on a fake smile, causing them to look relieved. I turn back around and put my head back on my desk.

Why worry about me when you don't even know me?

Most of my thoughts are questions because I have so many for those around me, but I never ask them. I always show my happy and bright smile, but I'm a human, and I have my dark thoughts as well. When people see me put my head on my desk, they just assume that I'm tired. They know I work at the convenience store, so that's the only reason they think I'm tired. They don't know that I barely get sleep on some nights because I'm being drowned by my thoughts.

When the bell rang and our teacher — as well as some late students — come in, I take out my headphones, turn off my phone, put it away, and take out everything that I need for school. My desk mate will sometimes purposefully forget his book so that he can use mine, but luckily today he brought it, so I was relieved. During class, my head is empty, I'm just thinking about how to change the way people look at me.

After all of my classes, I suddenly decide that I want to go to the river. There's a hidden river near the school that nobody really knows about. Whenever I go, there's nobody there. I mean, I don't blame them, you can barely see it. This is my happy place, this is where I feel the best and where I feel like myself (other than my home). I sit on the pavement with my legs stretched out and my arms behind me. I did all of my homework during self study, so I could just relax.

I look up and see the beautiful blue sky. The weather is really nice today, and I'm glad I'm enjoying it by spending more time outside. It's nice to go outside and appreciate nature once in a while. I tend to think that people that nature for granted. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm a sucker for flowers and gardens, but I love a good sunset and clear sky. I sighed, looking back down and coming back to reality. My thoughts would be clear skies and rainbows if everybody knew me for who I really am rather than my looks.

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