Don't Love Me ✓

36

It had been five months since I got my surgery and chemotherapies done, it was a whole lot of new experience that I never wanted to experience again. During those five months, there was a whole lot of pain, headaches, fatigue and hair loss involved. I was losing weight and strength and I could not help but feel helpless and tired.

My hair started falling at an uncontrollable speed and I could not do anything but cry everytime I see a huge patch of hair missing. It was not until my third month after the chemo that Grace adviced me to shave my hair off and get done with it instead of dying looking at them every single time; I was reluctant at first, ofcourse I would be. My hair were something really special to me and I had never in my entire life gotten a haircut that required losing volume or too much length, it was mostly for keeping the split-ends off purpose.

But I knew that Grace was right and I had to shave them off because it was better to lose all of them at once than losing a part of me along with it every day and night. It was not until the end of my third month that I decided to call Grace to shave my hair because I didn’t have the guts to do it myself.

I was scared.

Petrified, even.

I was afraid that I would lose Caden if he saw me bald because obviously, it was not a pretty sight. He was really supportive to me all these months and didn’t make me feel even a bit inferior at any point of time, even after I lost so many pounds and was a complete and utter mess to put it off simply.

He fed me when I couldn’t eat, he massaged me when I felt tired, he made me laugh when I could not even smile, he stayed awake with me when I could not go to sleep, he even completed all of my assignments just to make me feel not so worried about missing all of the university work and then helped me remember as much as I could for the exam which was obviously a tough job because I was finding it hard to remember stuff; He did everything in him to not make me feel miserable of my condition.

He was even supportive of me to go all bald and to the point where he decided to go bald along with me to not make me feel concious, followed by Joshua, Grace and even Steve, but I stopped them, ofcourse. I had the best bunch of people to support me and make me feel comfortable of even being in the situation in which I was and maybe that was the reason why I was less mentally affected than most of the other patients who get chemotherapies done, as said by Dr. Kelly.

Grace had moved in with all the bags and stuff since the day I got my surgery and I was really grateful to her for that because I didn’t think I would be able to live on my own after the beginning of the treatment. You start feeling lonely and sad and you don’t want to be alone, that was the thing with getting the cancer treatment. I knew what it would be like, but when you actually feel it, you don’t want to.

And amidst all this, I was really grateful to Steve because he was the one who gave me company when everyone was off to college, he cut down his time at Jeff’s just to stay with me— Something that Caden hated, but could not do anything about. Obviously, everyone decided to avoid University, but we all knew how important it was for them to attend college considering we had our finls in just a month.

My exams didn’t exactly go the way I wanted, but a good thing was that I actually graduated— One thing to cross off my bucket list, but the next on my bucket list was to die, instead I was on my way to living, not that I am complaining. I think this was one of the best decisions I had ever made and as much as I was missing my parents, I knew that they would be happy with my decision too.

I was recovering and one of the best thing was that I was not coughing blood, cheers to me for that.

Caden Matthew was officially my boyfriend and our ship was sailing perfectly well. I hate the fact that our relationship started off when I was at a very low point in my life, but I also love the fact that he was there with me at that point. I really wish that I could be the girlfriend who makes food for their boyfriend and love them with everything they have, but rather I was busy battling mental and physical problems of my own.

“Your food is ready, my love.” Caden said, making me chuckle and smile at my handsome and most caring boyfriend.

“You really don’t have to do this.” I said, looking at the boiled eggs, chicken soup, pasta and pudding.

“I want to.” He smiled and brought the spoon filled with chicken soup near my mouth as I took a sip and nodded my head in approval.

This was our daily routine during this past five months, he would feed me the first bite or sip and I would let him know how it tastes which is amazing hundred percent of the time.

He was a really great cook, I mean, making even the simplest of food taste amazing, that was truly a chef thing.

And more to that, he was a much, much better human being.

“I don’t think I am ever going to get tired of your food.” I stated, while munching onto the pasta and adjusting the beanie over my head.

It had become my best friend these days.

“And me?” He asked, cautiously and I gave him a warm smile before keeping the food aside and giving him a small kiss on the forehead, “Even if you get tired of me, I don’t think I will ever be, you know why?” I asked, holding his face into my palms and making him look at me.

“Why?” He asked with a lazy smile plastered on his face.

“Because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love the way I feel when I am with you.”

I squealed as he held my waist and settled me on his lap before nuzzling his nose in the crook of my neck making me giggle like a high schooler who was madly in love and maybe I was. This information was nothing new to me because I knew what I was feeling since the first time I felt it— love.

“I love you.” I mumbled, sighing in the comfort of his lap and his arms around me.

“I love you too, Sunshine,” He muttered while giving a peck on my soft spot making me sigh in relaxation.

“Now, let’s eat.” He brought a spoon filled with pasta near my mouth as I opened my mouth and chewed the deliciousness. After about just few bites, I started feeling nauseous. I hated to waste the food, especially the ones which he made with so much love and effort.

Looking at the frown on my face, he flicked my nose and put me down on the bed, making me scrunch my eyebrows in confusion as he pulled his finger out indicating to wait for a minute. I looked at him amusedly as he rushed down the stairs and came back within a span of hardly two minutes and brought a glass filled with orange juice.

“Here, drink this.” I took the glass from his stretched hand and took a sip.

“I feel bad for making you go through all this.” I frowned and took another sip from the glass as he took a seat beside me and pinched my cheeks.

“Don’t worry, I plan on making you pay when you get better.” He grinned and I ‘haww’d in fake offence.

“And how am I suppose to pay you back?” I asked, mischievously as he pulled me closer by the shoulders.

“Let’s say, about a sixty nine kisses?” I laughed at his dirty flirting and shook my head before finishing the juice and putting the glass away.

“How about forty two kisses?” I asked, mischief clearly laced in my voice. He growled at my comment and pulled me closer before dropping us on the bed and kissing my neck hungrily. Kissing was a territory that we haven’t crossed till now, but I knew that day was not far away when we would be crossing that territory again and again.

Our intimacy mostly involved kissing on the cheeks or forehead and we had only gone as far as kissing the neck, but that was it because loving did not involved going all R-rated, it just involved enjoying the moments with your loved ones, even if it’s just sitting besides each other. There were times when he found it hard to control him around me, but he managed. He respected me and my decisions and never crossed any boundaries that he thought I would feel uncomfortable I and I was really grateful to him for that.

“I love you so fucking much, Sunshine.” He stopped the kisses and looked deadly into my eyes before kissing my forehead.

“I love you too.”

•••••••

Happy October!

#KeepItSpooky