Thasmin - Love Is Always Wise

Chapter 7: Nightmares

//POV The Doctor\\

I wake up and I look around me. We're in our bed and it's been ten hours since we fell asleep, I never slept so much and as well as this night since at least two years. Yaz is cuddling me, oh my god, I fell asleep in her arms, she should have woke me up, I didn't want to bother her.

I try to get up, slowly, not to wake her, I wanted to prepare her the breakfast but when I move, I feel her a bit nervous and restless. Suddenly, as if she felt I got up, she wakes up with a start and she exhales deeply, like if she just got out of the water.

DOC: Yaz, I'm here sweetie, are you okay?

YAZ: Yeah, sorry about that, I'm fine.

DOC: No you're not, you've had a bad dream, why didn't you say me last night you had bad dreams? Is it about what I've shown you yesterday?

YAZ: No, it's not about it, but it's okay, I had less nightmares than usual.

DOC: Usual? Since when?

YAZ: It's okay, it's not important.

DOC: Since when?!

YAZ: ...

DOC: Sorry love, but I don't want you to think your nightmares are not important, because they are to me, you are important to me, and as you said yesterday, no more secrets, so please, show me your nightmares.

YAZ: I'm not sure it's a good idea ... I can't show you my nightmares because ...

DOC: Because I'm in it? You think I don't know that?

YAZ: Stop reading my mind!

DOC: I am not reading your mind, I don't need to, I know you that's all, so now show me, please.

YAZ: Okay, let's go. How can I show you this?

DOC: Just focus on these nightmares, if you see them, I'll see them.

I kiss her before we begin, she smiles, and I put my fingers on her temples, I'm trying to concentrate and so is she. The visions start, but it's not like my dreams, it's shorter, and it's like fragments, images of me, especially when I'm angry or when I let them alone, and I feel so guilty ... So, these are her nightmares? Her biggest fears? To be abandoned by me? I watch them after all, even if I know what it is. All the times I let them alone, all the times I've been rude with them, all the time I was in bad mood, all the times she felt alone because of me ...

"Might get you out of your mardy mood!

- My mood's fine ..."

"She's doing it again ... spending hours at the controls looking for something, thinks we haven't noticed.

- I'll ask her. Hey Doc, what are you looking for?

- How long have you been there?

- 20 minutes.

- You haven't.

- What are you looking for?

- Not looking for anything

- Don't lie to us.

- ... The Master ...

- Why would you do that? The Kasaavins took him.

- Yes. They transported him to their dimension and I can't get there in the TARDIS but I thought if he escape, I could track him. There's no sign.

- I thought he'd be the last person you'd want to see.

- He left a message for me.

- Saying what?

- It's personal!

- Is that where you go? When you leave us to explore and you say you'll be back in an hour but you never are? You are looking for him! Where do you go?

- Home ... on my own.

- Why? Why not with us?

- 'Cause you ask too many questions!"

I can feel I really hurt her this time, but the memories aren't over yet.

"Something's coming for me. I can feel it

- Let it come. You've got us.

- Ryan ... I've lived for thousands of years, so long I've lost count. I've had so many faces. How long have you been here? You don't know me, not even a little bit!"

That one hurt her more, but yet I feel this wasn't the worse, the more painful memories are coming.

"Yeah! 'Cause sometimes this team structure isn't flat. It's mountainous, with me at the summit, in the stratosphere, alone! Left to choose.

I remember this one. I feel so guilty about it. I wait, but nothing comes, I was about to break the connection, I thought it was over, when I see the last one, the most heartbreaking of all her memories. Before the memory appears, I feel sad and anxious, I first didn't understand but then I understood that was her feelings, not mines.

Even I was broken by this one, this is the very moment I got out of the TARDIS to sacrifice myself for the sake of the Universe.

"What about you? You detonate that thing, you'll die too.

- That's the way it has to be. And I would do that in a heartbeat for this Universe ... for you, my Fam.

- We're not letting you go! You're not doing this!

- Get off me Yaz!!! Please!

- Yaz, come on ...

- Live great lives."

Suddenly, the connection is broken, I didn't have the time to end it myself, and my first thought is Yaz. Is she okay? Why did the connection suddenly broke?? It takes me a few seconds to recover, and when I open my eyes, I understand why the connection broke. I was alone, on the bed, and Yaz was leaning there, a few metres away, just beside the door, crying. All I feel is guilty and pain. I know I hurt Yaz, I don't know how to talk to her, I don't even know if she wants to see me anymore, so I just approach and I pick her in my arms and I try to comfort her.

DOC: Yaz, I'm here, I stay with you, I'm sorry if I've hurt you in the past, but I swear I will always be there with you, I'm so sorry love...

YAZ: It's not your fault, it's mine, I've been so stupid to believe that you would want to stay with me forever or that I'm your first and last relationship. I know you can't spent your whole life with me and I'm fine with it.

DOC: Yaz, you know, I can actually spend my life with you, if you want. I can use the Chameleon Arch to rewrite my biology, make myself a human being, bury the TARDIS and live an entire life with you, with only one heart, and that heart will be all yours.

YAZ: But you'll lose your ability to regenerate, you'll lose your immortality, if you do this, you'll die one day.

DOC: We all die one day. At least, I could live and die at your side, with you. We could grow older together and die together.

YAZ: No! Not you! I don't want you to die for me! Don't you dare, please, I beg you, don't use it on you, don't even try!

DOC: But I love you, and I don't want you to die, believe me when I say I couldn't bear it.

YAZ: I understand, but don't die with me please. I beg you not to do this.

DOC: Okay... I'll find another way.

\\POV's ending//