fictober 2020

dark water and shattered skies || day thirteen

𝙤𝙘𝙩𝙤𝙗𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙬𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙚𝙩𝙝
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𝙙𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙥𝙤𝙚𝙩𝙨 𝙨𝙤𝙘𝙞𝙚𝙩𝙮 (1989)
𝗻𝗲𝗶𝗹 𝗶𝘀 𝗱𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶 𝗵𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗶𝘁 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝗺𝗺𝗮 𝘄𝗿𝗶𝘁𝗲 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮 𝘀𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘀𝗵 𝗼𝗳 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗿𝘆 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗵𝘆 𝗻𝗼𝘁? 𝗮𝗹𝘀𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗸𝗲𝘆 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺 𝗵𝗼𝗽𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝘂𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝗳 𝗯𝗹𝘆 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗼𝗿
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𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜
𝗲𝘅𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗯𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗳 𝗿𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘂𝗶𝗰*𝗱𝗲
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Why was the snow so white? It always is but it was almost blinding, like looking out your window while the plane is going through a cloud. The trees were so dark against it too. It was all so sharp and cold. Maybe I shouldn't perform, maybe my father was right. What would he do if he found out that I did? If I went on that stage and said my lines and took my bow and celebrated for I'd worked so incredibly hard, he would be upset, wouldn't he? More than upset even, he could send me off somewhere else or shout until his face turned purple and my mother had to leave the room so she wouldn't have to see it.

I shouldn't be thinking about that though. I just needed to clear my head for a bit, that's the entire reason I was out in the first place. Todd was here too. Why was Todd here? I can't remember. Something to do with sleep. We couldn't sleep.

It was so cold and we were just lying in the snow and despite how dark it was, it was glowing and the moon was full and the way it reflected in the nearby water was nothing more or less than beautiful. I wondered what would happen, if i were to get up and swim fully clothed in that freezing water. To shatter the sky in it with every movement and float staring at the moon which hadn't broken along with the water.

I wondered if Todd would join me in the blackness or if he would simply kneel anxiously by the edge and plead for me to come out so I don't get sick. Or would he for once just forget about it all and dive in too, trying not to swallow any water as the cold of it numbed ourselves, splashing each other messily and struggling to breathe as we laughed and swam back to the shore.

And if he didn't, and it was just me sighing and panting and laughing and drenched in water and just him rambling and shrugging off his coat and telling me how much trouble we'd both be in and forcing me to stand, I wondered if I asked him nicely enough and kissed him sweetly if he'd sit back down and stop breathing with me.

But we weren't in the water and we weren't going to be and nothing much was ever going to happen after that night for me either. I couldn't help but think what might have changed if I had explained how I felt to Todd, told him of the dark water and shattering sky and not breathing. But instead I had stayed shut up and--

"Neil?" He was always so quiet to the point where I barely even noticed him speak sometimes, I'd always feel horrible afterwards when I would realise that he had said my name and I hadn't even flinched.

"Yeah?"

"Are you going to perform tomorrow?" I always hated this part, there was so much I could have changed, so much I could have stopped. Yes, I got to finally act in front of all those people and such but at what cost? Just for my father to send me to some stupidly strict school and to never end up pursuing anything creative again and for me to just-- I always hated this part.

"I wish I didn't," I really did.

"But you did, you took your bow and everything."

"I was so happy."

"I know."

"This already happened, why do I have to be here again?" I turned to Todd who was already looking at me, it was so cold. "I shouldn't have gone. I should have stayed at school and said I was too sick and we could have just caught up on work and had a normal night, I should have just stayed at school."

"I wish you did."

"I'm sorry."

"We all miss you," he was crying, "I miss you."

"I'm sorry."

And then he stood up and so did I. I hated this memory but at least I could try and change those small parts of it, the worst part was being back with Todd though. Being back with Todd on the night before. I wish I had told him about the dark water and shattered sky and not breathing. It was the last time I was only with him before I--

"We should go back inside," he nodded back the way we came and smiled slightly. I missed him. Why did I have to be so nervous before, why hadn't I just told him then and there. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, he wouldn't see me again and it didn't matter now either because none of it was real.

"Todd, wait--" but as I reached to grab his hand and before I could even open my mouth again, all of it was gone.

a/n

this exists and I actually uploaded on time!

anyway the month is almost over oh my lord uhhhh

also, once again, I'm struggling for titles but yeah!

thanks for reading

Be gay and don't die

- tcp