February 15
Dear Diary,
I want to die. Yesterday was Valentine's Day and Valentine's Day was made for love, not lust.
Damien and I went out because it was obviously Valentine's Day. We drove out to the mountains, to go for a hike, on his motorcycle, as always. I thought that hiking would be so romantic. I was hoping that we would be able to have little picnic under the trees, maybe even carve out our initials. I honestly really wanted to carve out our initials with him because...I love him.
He doesn't love me. Damien only wants me for pleasure. He tells me that he loves me but only when I'm naked. I offered myself to him and he took that gift for granted. He took my innocence and now I'm so impure.
During our hike, Damien tells me that there is a motor home just a little bit inside the cave of trees. So he takes my hand and pulls me off the trail and under the canopy of trees with him. The motor home was decorated with Christmas lights.I thought it looked so pretty and romantic, from the outside. Damien introduced me to the people inside the motor home who, apparently, were his friends. There were about 4 of them. I know judging people when you first meet them is bad but I couldn't help but categorize them as stoners when I saw the pipe. It smelled like weed and liquor everywhere.
Everyone around me were drinking and smoking, even Damien. They kept urging me to take just one puff but I kept refusing. Damien got up from his seat.
"Baby, just once, do what I want to do. Whenever you listen to me, you and I both know that you have fun." he whispered in my ear as he brushed the hair out of my face and leaned in to kiss me. I pushed him away as I said, louder than intended, "No, don't! You reek."
Damien was pretty high and drunk. He pulled me up from where I was sitting and laughed. He twirled me around and said,"Babe, give me and my friends a little show."
"Um, of course not." I said with disgust. I can't believe Damien's behavior.
He lifted the corner of my shirt and I smacked his hand away.
"Don't touch me." I demanded.
"Feisty one you got there, Damien. She's hot too." said one of his friends, with the name of Kyle, I believe.
"Oh don't worry, she'll give in. When she does, it's always a great performance." Damien said as if I was a prize or a trophy, something he could win. I realized that I was just a challenge to him. That's when I realized that he didn't love me.
Damien sat back down and pulled me onto his lap. I struggled from his grip but he was much stronger than I was.
"Let me go, Damien!" I yelled.
He ripped off my shirt and started to kiss my back. I felt so exposed. All of his friends watched me. Tears started to fall from my eyes, I can't believe Damien was actually doing this. For a second, I thought that this was just a dream. Actually, it would be more of a nightmare if it was only in my head.
His hands fumbled with the clip on my bra. I pushed his hands away but when I did, the back of the bra was already opened. He grabbed my arm and snagged it off. My vision was blurry with all the tears building up in my eyes.
"Damien, stop it! Please!" I begged but he wouldn't stop.
"Hold her!" he yelled at his friends. Kyle and another boy got up from their seats. I could make up their smiles from behind my tears. They grabbed both of my arms and pulled me off of Damien's lap. The other boy was groping my breast. I kept fighting back but their hands didn't lose their grip on me. Damien didn't even care, he was allowing other boys to touch his girl. I don't know which was worse, the fact that he didn't care or that I was being exposed without my permission.
Damien got on his knees and started kissing my stomach. He unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them down. I kneed him in the face and he jerked away. He wiped his mouth with his fingertips and looked up at me. I immediately knew that I shouldn't have done that. I've gotten him angry which was going to make my situation worse. More tears fell from my face even when I tried to blink them away.
The boys pinned me to a nearby wall. Damien pulled off my underwear, unzipped his jeans and forced himself on me. I cried out in pain. I begged him to stop but he started kissing my neck and kept going. It hurt so much, both my heart and my body.
When he was finished, he looked at me like a rabid animal and backed away.
His friends seized the moment and took the opportunity. They took turns on me and they didn't think twice about hurting me. On the last boy, everyone else was weak so their grips weren't as strong anymore. With the last ounces of strength that I had left in me, I ripped my arms out of their hands and grabbed a beer bottle nearby. I smashed it on the boy in front of me and ran.
I pushed open the door with everything that I had and ran through the woods as fast as I could. I was running on adrenaline. I didn't know where I was going but I had to get away from there as fast as possible.
The sun was setting and I still had a little bit of adrenaline left inside me. I would flinch and become super alert whenever I heard the tiniest sound. I didn't feel the cool air on my body, I didn't feel anything, I didn't feel the earth under my feet. I was so numb. It felt like I had somewhere to go but I didn't know where.
I didn't realize that the sun had gone away, my strength along with it. My eyes couldn't stay open and my knees felt like they were going to snap under my weight. My body collapsed and I didn't remember anything else from that moment on.
When I woke up this morning, I saw my parents, one on each side of the hospital bed. Such a great Valentine's Day gift. But I wondered two things: how did I get here and who found me?
Apparently, Jarvis was going camping with his girlfriend and they had found me on the side of the road. Second time that I had encountered him in his car. They brought me here because they said that I had blood dripping from my legs down and I had bruises on my neck and chest. I wish they had let me bleed to death out there but then I'm grateful that they didn't leave me.
I have to stay overnight because I had been through surgery, I don't know where they operated but it is what it is. My parents said that Jarvis stopped by today but I was asleep. So he said that he would stop by again tomorrow when I am awake. That reminds me I'm still really tired and it's really late as I'm writing this so I should go.
Yours truly,
Ella
