when you love someone | rosé + lisa | chaelisa

17

The bus ride home was surprisingly quiet. No laughter, obnoxious talking, angry phone calls...

Eventually, the stillness and smooth running of the engine allowed my mind float away into a dream.

Though I was drifting in and out of sleep, I couldn't visualize anything but the fleeting feeling of Lisa's fingertips brushing against my chin, the blood, the paranoia, the confusion. Everything I tried to avoid thinking about, I thought about. Your mind is truly your worst enemy.

I could never decipher what Lisa's actions meant or why she even decided to help. Would she had done it for anyone else? Does she blame herself?

All the possible 'what ifs' started to give me a headache, so I shook off the desire to sleep and observed the passing scenery, blatantly ignoring those who were ogling at the cloth over my eye.

The passing buildings through the fogginess of the bus window made everything feel like a fever dream. I would wake up any second now in a cold sweat. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

If you looked hard enough you'd notice the small, beautiful creases and crevices of the city. The places you never look if you aren't from here. The alleyways, train stations, small businesses and passionate shop owners... I honestly adored all of it. The sweet smell of pastries as you passed the bakery, the grass sprouting from between the cracks in the sidewalk, the once abandoned places covered in art and colors and newfound confidence.

I just wished it possessed the inability to change.

I felt played with, stuck in an endless time loop, a scratched record. Caught up in a nightmare I created myself.

Almost everything had changed since I was seven, as it would for anyone else.

It's only natural to become attached to the things that have consistently and unchangingly stuck by you. And if you're lucky enough, those 'things' would be people. Although I had been abandoned by a few, I harbored a small flicker of hope in my heart that someday, someone would show up as a gleaming beacon of love and light and understanding. Someone capable of setting me on fire inside.

It brought me back to that moment in time. Her gaze as she fiddled with the medical equipment. The way she handled my frustration, my anxiety so easily... I could almost imagine what that would feel like.

But never with her.

The bus halted at my stop, and I hurriedly exited through the back door. As I stepped out into the cold October air, and onto the dimly lit sidewalk. Completely isolated and on my own, it hit me.

Right, I'm on my own.

I contemplated texting her, something simple like "I made it" or "get home safe" but figured I shouldn't bug her so soon.

For fucks sake you were with her twenty minutes ago, let it go.

Emergencies only. Emergencies only. Emergencies only.

Emergencies only...

surprise! i'm not dead lolol, this is just a filler chapter to check in. i'll be surprised if any of you are still reading honestly. more chapters to come for those who are! also, my writing style has definitely changed since last year sooo bare with me through a few changes. love you all <3 make sure you're taking care of yourself.