Cheryl POV
The early sun pours through the blinds, waking me up almost as soon as I had finally drifted to sleep. It's 5:45am. I roll over, reaching for her. Except, she's not there, and never will be there again.
The sleepy haze jolts off me as the events of last night flood my mind once again. My eyes are stinging and I don't know whether it is because of the crying or the lack of sleep.
I don't have the energy to move from my bed, so instead, I lie there, staring up at the ceiling. I'm almost waiting for the tears to come, but they never come. It's almost as if I was numb to feeling, my body and my mind giving up with a long sigh.
That didn't stop the thoughts that rush through my mind, however. The exact thoughts that push their way to the front of my mind, demanding my attention, demanding my pain.
And I let them all in, for a moment, as I continue to stare at the ceiling. An unknown amount of time passes and the white ceiling that was staring back down at me soon becomes fuzzy, almost like it is drifting away, even though my eyes were still open, looking at it.
I let myself close my eyes, not to sleep. There was no way I'd be able to get back to sleep now. No, not to sleep. But instead, to conjure up her. In my head. In the past, even as soon as yesterday morning, when I'd think of her, my mind would feel happy and I'd imagine good things. I'd imagine us. Happy things.
But now, when I thought of her, it was as if those happy things and those good moments never existed. Because now, all I could see was her, with someone else. And at the thought of that, I began replaying last night's events in my head.
—
"Baby, please just- please just listen to me," Toni pleaded, pulling on my arm as I hastily pulled it back away from her.
"Listen to you?" I ask, scoffing as I shake my head. "You see, I don't think you deserve that luxury. That went away as soon as you fucked another girl, Toni. As did the luxury of calling me baby, don't fucking call me that ever again."
She looked down and stepped back, and for a second, I thought she was going to give up and leave. But she didn't.
"But I need to explain. I was drunk Cher, she meant nothing, literally nothing!!" Toni gesturing her hand to nothing in particular.
"I get drunk too Toni. Quite a fucking lot actually. And not once have I ever thought even remotely about another girl, let alone fucking another girl. In fact, you know what I think about when i'm drunk? You. I think about you. If you're not with me, I think about you and how I want you to be with me. And even if you're right by my side, I still think about you because I fucking love you Toni and that's what a partner who is in love does. You're not in love with me." I say, my voice almost starting to break as I speak the last part because that fucking hurts to say.
"I am in love with you!! I-" Toni starts.
"No you're fucking not. You are not in love with me." I cut her off, my voice now noticeably breaking.
"I love you," she whispers, toying with her hands.
"What you mean is, that you don't want me to leave. But I need to Toni. I need to leave. And I'm not leaving because I've stopped loving you. I still love you. And I probably will for a very long time but I can't be with you anymore." I respond, tears now filling up in my eyes. I wish I wasn't emotional. She didn't deserve my emotions anymore.
"Cheryl, I'm an idiot. I messed up, so bad. But god damn, you're the love of my life. There's just something about you that I'm scared to lose, because I know I won't find it in anyone else. I didn't know I could love someone so much that the thought of losing them meant my entire world would come to an abrupt end. You are every hope I've ever had in human form, Cheryl Blossom." Toni says softly, a couple of tears running down her cheeks.
My instinct goes to wipe her tears away but I pull my hand back. For a second, I want to take her back. I want to pull her into my arms and tell her how much I love her and forget this whole thing ever happened.
And it takes all of my strength to not give into her. But then the image of her with another girl floods my mind once again. She cheated on me. It wasn't just a few flirty messages, not just a kiss, but sex. And I can't look past that. It's never going to be the same between us and that fucking kills me.
You know that physical pain you feel in your chest when you're heartbroken? I felt that stronger than ever now. It hurt. Looking at her hurt.
I look up to see her looking back at me, her eyes glossy and hopeful. Her hands are still fidgeting in front of her. And just by looking at her, I forget that I'm not supposed to feel this way anymore.
I take a deep breath in and try to control the shaky breath that comes back out.
"Toni, I can't. I really can't do this anymore. You cheated on me. That's the bottom line. You hurt me. You lied to me. And it breaks my fucking heart that it's ending like this. Maybe someday we'll look back and know exactly why it had to happen. You aren't the one for me even though i really fucking wanted you to be. But that's just the way the world works. So, I uh-" I murmur, my words sounding much more strong than my heart feels.
"I think you should leave now," I whisper, not daring to look up at her.
A few seconds of silence pass.
"Cheryl-" Toni whispers back shakily as she begins to step forward.
I immediately step back, my head still tilted down, looking at the floor.
"Please leave," I plead, my voice threatening to break again.
Another few seconds pass. I feel her eyes on me. I still don't look up.
And then she left.
—
A few tears run down my cheeks as I think about her again. Maybe I'm not quite numb just yet. I spent all of last night thinking. What if I made a mistake? Maybe I should've given her a second chance? What if I never get over her? What if I continue to wake up every day for the rest of my life only wanting her? Why did she hurt me when my only intention was to love her? What if, all my life, when I meet someone new, I can never fall for them because they aren't her?
And I remember when I met her, it was so clear that she was the only one for me. We both knew right away. It was like I just knew from the moment I saw her that there was something between us. I think something in us knew. And I think something in us will always know.
But then those thoughts would be replaced by what she did. How much she hurt me. The way she broke my heart was brutal, it wasn't poetic. There's nothing poetic about screaming into my pillow in the middle of the night. There was nothing poetic about my heart after she left. She came into my life and she convinced me to trust her, and so I did. I believed every promise she ever told me.
'She isn't coming back' whispered my head.
'She has to' my heart whispered back.
I guess the moral of the story is that no matter how much we try, no matter how much we want it, some stories just don't have a happy ending.
—
4 months later
I am confident I am over her. So much so, that some mornings I wake up with a smile on my face thanking the universe for pulling her out of me. Thank god she left. I would not be who I am today if she had stayed.
But then.
There are some nights I imagine what I might do if she showed up. How, if she walked into the room this very second, every awful thing she had ever done would be thrown out of the window and all the love would rise up again. It would pour through me as if it never really left in the first place. As if it's been practising how to stay silent so long, only so it could be this loud on her arrival.
Can someone explain that? How even when the love leaves, it doesn't leave.
How even when I am so past her, I am so helplessly brought back to her.
