Finally Free

twenty-four

My body is tired. Very tired. I feel very weak.

I want so badly to let go.

I wish I could let go.

But, I force myself to hold onto the last little shred of life in me.

I hold onto the very slow beat of my heart.

I hear my blood pumping very slowly, quietly in my ears.

I can't let go.

They need to know I'm sorry.

My thoughts start to blur together and I can no longer think cohesive thoughts.

My brain is mush.

I try to open my eyes again. I try to listen to what's happening around me. But I can't focus.

I manage to open my eyes and I feel myself trying to say something.

"I'm so sorry." I whisper.

I think I might die. I think this is it. I've lived for 19 years. 19 years is all I got. Sad.

It wasn't a good 19 years either. Only the past 2 or 3 years have been good. The rest of it-

I don't want to think about.

Not when I'm certain I'm about to die. I wonder what it will be like- death.

I wonder if it will be warm or cold. Lonely or not. Will I go to a better place? Will it just be nothing?

I try to think of every good moment. I want to be happy as I die. I wonder if I'm alone right now.

I think of the first day I met Sage and how gorgeous I thought he was.

I think of how good he was to me. I think of how I'm in love with him still, how I was this whole time.

I think of my friends. I think of my mom.

I think of how I hope she'll live a long life. I wish I would've held her for longer.

I think of Christian. How I love him, but I'm not in love with him. How I should've just told him that. I think maybe it wouldn't have hurt him as bad.

I need to apologize to him. I need to say I'm sorry. I need to hug him. To cry with him.

I think of Marie. How angry she looked when she saw me on her doorstep. How she wouldn't put the gun down.

I think of the last second I saw her before I got shot. Was it her? Is she the one that shot me?

Would she really want me dead?

She was my best friend.

My best friend.

I think again of mom, I hope she'll be safe from my father.

I can't breathe. My lungs feel full.

My chest hurts, my heart.

I can't-