Finally Free

twenty-seven

I wake up with Sage's arms still around me. Mom is asleep on the couch. A nurse came in not long ago to check in in me.

It's 7 in the morning, but I'm wide awake.

I shift so I'm sitting up more and reach for my phone. Sage stirs next to me and I freeze. I don't want to wake him, he needs his rest.

I unlock my phone and see that I have a message from Christian. I open it;

I heard what happened... R U okay?

Then another text 5 minutes after he sent that one;

I'm thinking of coming up there to see you, lmk if you don't want me to. Love you.

I read over the last two words a few times. How could he still love me? After all the shit I put him through?

I start typing a response and decide to call him instead. The phone rings a few times before he picks up.

"Eden? How are you?" He asks.

"I'm fine." I say. "And you don't have to come up here. I wouldn't want to burden you." He sighs through the phone. I can imagine him dragging his hand down his face.

"You haven't been a burden, Eden."

"Yes I have. I brought you to all of the hearings and you had to go through me going to rehab because I was in such a shitty place." I start to raise my voice, I see mom start to wake up. "Not to mention I cheated on you. You shouldn't love me. I don't want you to. I want you to hate me."

"I know. And part of me does. Part of me does because I thought you were the one. I thought that you were it for me. I started noticing you pulling away and that's when I knew we were over." He says. "I had known for a while that something was up before you told me what you had done."

"And you're not hurt?" I ask.

"No, I am," He says. He forces a laugh, "But I guess a part of me was prepared for it."

"Prepared for me telling you I cheated on you?" I ask. He laughs.

"No, but something along the lines of that. I was prepared to be broken up with, I guess." He says sadly.

"I'm so fucking sorry." I say. "You don't even know."

"Yeah, I don't think I do." He sighs once more. "But hey, have a good life with which ever brother you end up with."

"You have a good life too." I say. There's a silence for a long time. I hear him breathe in and exhale.

"Bye Eden." His voice shakes slightly.

"Bye Christian." I hang up the call and stare at my phone. I am going to miss him. His bright and infectious smile, I'm going to miss it.

I've now apologized to 3 people on my list of many. Mom, Sage, and Christian can all be crossed off.

Next is Val, Marie, Kian, all the guys from North Carolina and so many others who I've betrayed, forgotten about, lied to, and hurt.

I completely abandoned everyone from North Carolina. I have absolutely no idea how they're doing. I don't know how Axel is doing, and Rodney, Jack, Louis, Mark, and Ivy.

I'm horrible.

I'm still staring at my phone in my hand when Sage wakes up.

"You're awake?" He blinks at me. I nod. "What's wrong? Are you in pain?" He starts to get up, I pull him back down.

"No, I'm-I'm fine. I'm okay. I just- I haven't spoken to anyone in so long. Remember Rodney and the guys from North Carolina? I have no idea how they are. And Kian, oh my god Kian. Do you know how he is?" I ask. I feel a tear slide down my cheek and Sage is quick to wipe it away.

"He's great, E. He's living with his boyfriend and he's happier than I've ever seen him. Last time I talked to him he said he missed you, hoped you were okay." He soothingly runs his hand through my hair.

I nod silently as I calm down. Maybe they're just better off without me. I'm sure that not speaking to me wasn't torture.

They've probably all just moved on. They're probably all living their lives.

They're doing what I wish I had been doing this whole time, living.

I've been dwelling on the past, I won't let myself forget it and make a new future.

I make myself repeat the past. I won't let myself move on, but I think it's time.

And I think I can make a new future with Sage. I know I can.

Because he's said before, he's told me before that I just need to give him the word and he'll leave the gang for me. I just need to give him the word and he'll run away with me.

I think it's time I ask him.

"Sage?" I say carefully. He hums in response. I look at his lips, study the shape of them the perfect curve. The lines of his face that meet and miss each other in the most beautiful way, "If I asked you, would you leave with me? Would you leave everything behind and start a new life?"

He turns his head quickly towards me and looks deep into my eyes.

"I've said this forever, Eden. Yes. I would." He pauses for a moment, I smile, he grins, "Where are you thinking?"

"I've always wanted to visit the French countryside." I say.

"Would you want to live there?" He asks. I nod. "You really want to leave? What about your mom?"

"Well, phones exist. And so do planes." I say. "She could visit, we could visit."

"I mean, take a second and think about it." He says.

"Well, would you?" I ask. He nods.

"I could hand over the gang to Val." He thinks, "That's all I'd really have to take care of to leave. It'd be easy everyone already knows and trusts her. But yeah, I mean, I'd leave in a second if that's what you wanted."

I nod. I have time, probably a week or so before I'm released I can think about it. Talk to mom about it. I truly have no idea how she'd feel. We both only just got each other back.

I feel like leaving would be good for me, though that is what I said when I left for Virginia. It ended up being really bad for me.

Also, can you just leave a gang like that? I thought for sure you wouldn't be able to just leave like that, he is after all the leader currently. Doesn't he know too much? Don't I know too much? About multiple gangs?

As if reading my mind, Sage speaks, "We're probably going to have to fake our own deaths." I don't respond. I don't have anything to say, I don't know what to say. That and mom is awake.

I'd rather not question him on how or the details in front of her.

Fake our own deaths?

What the actual fuck is my life.

But maybe that'd be even better, creating a new identity to live in the countryside of France, to have my father think I'm dead...

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad...

Sage and I sit in silence as mom gets up to get coffee. We both sit, staring at two different spots in the room, he appears to be staring at the ceiling, deep in thought. My eyes rest on a particularly interesting spot on the wall.

"Why are you both so quiet?" Mom asks. My eyes snap over to her.

"Well-uhm," I say, "How would you feel about us faking our deaths and moving to France?"