metanoia | alec lightwood

44

[ third person's pov ]

Sorrow.

It was as simple as that, wasn't it?

Grief.

Loss.

Anyone could imagine how it must've felt like to lose someone close to you, someone you once held dear.

Alec nor Isabelle knew that feeling until they knew that they had lost her for good.

And it was a feeling neither of them knew how to cope with.

If it weren't for Isabelle's quiet sobs every night from her room, or Clary's sudden breakdowns during the day, the air would be filled with nothing but silence.

If it weren't for Jace's angry, guilt ridden lashing out, and Alec's noticeable silence, would everyone notice that they were trying their hardest to keep it together.

"She's gone again, Alec!" You could hear Jace's heart wrenching shout down the hall of the living space every now and then, "And this time- it's because of me! We lost her again and it's all my fault!"

Jace took it the hardest.

He would trash his bedroom multiple times, breaking any item he saw, slamming his fists against the wall.

If Isabelle hadn't walked into his bedroom when she did after what felt like the hundredth time of hearing nothing but ruckus, he would've driven a blade right through his own heart.

It was because of how much he blamed himself.

He hated himself for her death.

He hated that he had lost his best friend again.

And it was because he wasn't strong enough to fight Lilith's compulsion.

Except, Jace wasn't the only one feeling guilt.

Clary had been trying her best to hold herself together, but it was proven difficult when she was alone.

When she witnessed Jace's outbursts.

She felt completely responsible for her death.

If she hadn't broken under the compulsion of the Soul Sword, Zee wouldn't have ended up in the Gard.

She wouldn't have been killed.

Simon blamed himself for her death too.

He repeatedly told himself that he caused the explosion and got her killed.

Especially since she saved him from death.

"What do you want me to say?" Isabelle's words held nothing but emptiness in them, "I can't handle- feeling nothing- I don't feel her at all- and that's what hurts the most!"

She felt nothing.

Magnus could barely get through his usual amount of martinis until winding up drunk, not having the tolerance he did when he was a warlock.

And he wasn't complaining.

He knew death was something that was inevitable for their kind, he'd gone through loads of deaths. He just hadn't expected hers to be so soon.

Sure he saved Jace, but- at what cost?

And then there was Alec.

Alec put up a front for everyone, but what he tried his best to not let anyone know was how he laid in the bed she used to sleep in because it still smelled like her.