salvia. [h.s. AU]

Chapter Seventeen

Harry Styles

I've never been awake this early on a Saturday.

I mean, unless I didn't sleep at all, then it would be pretty normal for me to still be up at 7 am. But considering I went to bed last night and woke up to the alarm at 7 and actually left the bed, took a shower and even shaved is a whole other story.

Of course there's only one reason for me to have been in the mood of doing this. Maria.

Always Maria.

Over the course of the last few days, we've been growing incredibly close together. It all started because, after my timing comment on Monday morning, I locked myself in the studio and avoided her for the rest of the day - not 'cause I didn't want to see her or be around her, but actually because I felt too shy and exposed after she didn't even answer me back, just left the room and closed the door.

Also, I was overwhelmed as fuck to have my feelings hurt, feelings I didn't even want to reckon as mine. But the truth is, I can't even deny it anymore. Maria... She makes me feel. And even though that may sound superficial or kinda obvious to some people, believe me, it's not. Not for a guy who hasn't felt anything but sorrow for the past 4 years. Not for a guy who stopped believing he could ever feel something again such a long time ago.

After Meredith took her own life, I genuinely felt like she had taken my own as well. Part of me died on that day, and ever since I've been only a shell of myself. Nothing made sense anymore, the world went black and white, and I was completely convinced I would never see the bright colors again. I've been drowning in sorrow for so long, I thought I was in too deep to be able to ever leave it some day.

That's why I agreed to have this makeshift relationship with Chloe, to begin with. She was Meredith's best friend, and she suffered almost as much as I did when Meridith passed. We got closer, because we understood each other's pain, and we knew exactly how much we would never be the same without her life to shine on our days.

The decision to get together came naturally after almost 2 years of shared grief. My parents were worried about me, cause I didn't paint anymore, didn't cut my hair, sometimes I didn't even shower, and they saw in Chloe a chance of me falling in love again and being happy enough to retake my projects, my life. Her parents didn't care enough about her to do something about her grief, they were both too busy working to even look twice at their daughter.

My parents, however, started trying to ship us together, and eventually I gave up and caved, asking Chloe to be my girlfriend even though I wasn't romantically interested in her. But I was so fucking numb, I didn't care. She said yes, and I believe she did it because in parts she felt like by staying with me it was a way of remaining closer to Meredith.

I don't know if she fell in love with me eventually. Being purely rational, I don't think she did, or she wouldn't be fucking other guys on the side. But sometimes, when I catch her staring at me, I think she did. She really cares about me in a way, always trying her best to make our relationship as normal as it can be, by sleeping together, having sex, kissing, talking. If it were up to her, I'm pretty sure we would be - or at least look like - two lovebirds completely dumb for each other. Even this whole engagement thing was her idea, maybe because it's how she felt important to me. I agreed, even though I've never believed in the unrealistic hope she had. A hope that we would be happy and eventually turn into a "normal" couple.

But that's not how I feel about us. I've never even kissed her - not a real kiss, I mean. We've had sex, but even though she tried, I've never wanted to actually kiss her, with tongue and everything. For a while I thought it was just because deep down it felt like I was betraying Meredith, but eventually I found out it was simply because Chloe didn't worth it. The last person I kissed for real is Meredith, and I've always thought it would stay like that till the day I die and finally meet her again.