salvia. [h.s. AU]

Chapter Twenty

"I couldn't want you any more..."

Harry Styles

I flutter my eyes open to the soft sound of birds chirping outside, and for the first time in years I don't wake up exhausted.

The lights are off and the windows covered with thick, deep blue curtains, but even without any light or a clock, I can tell it's not morning anymore - I've woken up by the sunrise too many times to know how it feels when it's still early.

For a moment, it puzzles me that I'm feeling so well-rested and comfortable, this is not at all how I'm used to feeling after waking up. I definitely do not miss the crippling desperation that comes with being awake, but in some instances it's awkward not to be feeling that way. For four years now, it's like my brain has been wired to feel like that, my heart programmed to always feel heavy and constricted inside my chest.

But not today.

Today I'm feeling great, hopeful even, and the reason why I'm feeling like this is still asleep in my arms, her back turned to my chest and head resting on the same pillow as me, even though this is a king size bed and there's plenty of space for the both of us.

She is still sound asleep, her breathing heavy and steady, her hand softly gripping mine in her unconscious state. I was never one to like cuddling this much, but cliché as it sounds, it feels so perfect with her. She fits into my arms like a sunflower searches for the sun, and although Maria is the flower in this metaphor, it feels like she's the one who brings light into my life.

As softly as I can manage, I move on the bed, getting even closer and gently drowning my face on the curve of her neck, so I can capture the scent of her skin and burn it in my brain. She sighs in her sleep, a tiny little "hm" falling from her parted lips, but she doesn't wake up.

Which I think it's a good thing, considering the morning wood I'm nursing right now.

I don't mean to be a pig, but it's hard to control the natural response of having a girl wrapped in my arms, in the same bed as me. I mean, not any girl - Maria, for crying out loud.

Her body feels so perfect, pressed against mine the way it is. She is wearing the t-shirt I landed her last night, which is so big on her it has rolled up to her waist during the night. She's also wearing my favorite yellow swim shorts, that's tight around her hips and bum, a sweet contradiction to the oversized t-shirt. Her arse is firmly pressed right onto my lower half, fitting perfectly and feeling just so fucking right.

Maybe even too perfect, if that's possible.

She smells so fucking good, though. I stay how I am, my face buried to the nape of her neck, feeling her skin and engraving every tiny detail about her in my memory. How I wish to have her around every night and morning, how I wish to be the one who makes her smile, to be the one that she loves and cherishes.

But I have to be realistic. Not only she just got out of a serious relationship, there's the aggravate that I don't know how to deal with this. After Meredith, I really thought I would never be attracted to anyone else, and I was OK with that. I never thought I would be able to open my heart again, and truth be told, it scares the crap out of me to think of being that vulnerable again. I don't ever want to suffer as much as I did when Meredith took her own life - I'm sure as hell I won't survive another heartbreak, I've barely survived the first one.

I mean, yeah, I know things are different now, and that Maria is not Meredith. She does have a certain melancholy in her aura, somewhat of a sad vibe every now and then, but it's not even close to how Meredith would feel when she was down. I may be wrong, but I see Maria as such a strong girl - so young, yet she has lived way more than most people my age. Life hasn't been kind to her and her younger brother, and even with so many bumps in her way, she still manages to be the sweetest, brightest person I've ever met in my life.