How Long Will I Love You?

Some Love

I struggled to get my head above the watery grave that seemed to swallow and pull me down. It felt like I was trapped in a world of darkness where I couldn't breathe nor escape no matter how hard I try to claw or kick to push myself out of this place and to the surface. I tried to reach out for someone or something but I only ended up grasping at nothing. I knew death was lurking around the corner waiting for my body to feel heavy, numb and too exhausted to fight back.  Should I just give up?  What's the point of fighting it?

"JOY!"

Someone called my name at the same time that I felt a gentle nudge. I slowly opened my eyes and found Yeri's anxious face looking at me intently.

"Same dream again?" she asked while giving my hand a squeeze and helping me up to sit and rest my back on the headboard.

"Hmmm." I nodded and smiled bitterly while playing with the ring secured in a necklace around my neck absentmindedly.

It has been three months since we accepted a job from BTOB.
Three months since we spent our time at B Island.
Three months since the same dream haunted me in my sleep.
Sadly, three months since Sungjae left me without any explanation.

And now...

Twelve weeks -- It has been twelve weeks since a life started growing inside me. I found out six weeks ago when I  missed a period and my body started to change. I haven't told anyone yet including my best friends because I don't want to burden them and pity me. Luckily my baby bump isn't obvious yet.

I took the warm glass of milk Yeri handed me and drank it to calm myself. I caressed my stomach while staring at nothing in particular.

I was reminded of my dream and the questions that I've been asking myself repeatedly.

Should I just give up? What's the point of fighting it?

I don't want to walk the same path as I did three years ago. I fought hard to win against my inner demons. I've been there before and I don't want to be there again. If not for me, I'll fight for my child... OUR unborn child. However, no matter how hard I try to cheer up these past few days, the fact that my baby will grow up without a father saddens me.

The day that I discovered I was pregnant was also the day when I saw Sungjae with Luna by chance...

I just came out of my obstetrician's clinic, still processing the news of me being pregnant, when I saw him.  He was still that person who can make heads turn no matter what expression he wears. He was smiling back at Luna who was clinging at him and laughing at something he just said.

It felt like my world crumbled into pieces then someone started to tear and rip my heart out of my chest. The shock and pain that followed was tormenting it felt like I was drowning and air was being sucked out of my body.

I was too preoccupied with my own thoughts that I didn't notice my friends gathering around my bed, looking at me worriedly.

I was crying.

It was Irene who spoke first, "Joy..."

"Even if you don't tell us, we know." Wendy squeezed my hand.

"How long are you going to hide it from us?" Seulgi demanded anxiously.

"I'm sorry sis. I saw the pregnancy kit you threw away and followed you when you scheduled an appointment to the polyclinic." Yeri admitted, guilt written all over her face.

My sobbing intensified at the sight of four pairs of concerned eyes staring back at me patiently.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hide it from you. It's just that... I... I don't want to burden you all because of my situation." I looked away from their intense gaze.

Or maybe I was too embarassed to tell them not because they'd feel sorry for me but because I've easily given myself to Sungjae after being apart from him for so long. I became an easy girl. He confessed his feelings but then again, he disappeared again... as if walking out of my life is a hobby of his.

My friends hugged me when my tears continued to stream down my face.

"You shouldn't be hoarding your emotions like this, it'll be bad for the baby." Irene reminded me.

"Whatever your thoughts are or whatever happens, you have us. You're not alone." Wendy squeezed me ito a tight hug.

"Always remember, we're a family..." Seulgi dried my tears and smiled.

"And I don't want to be like a paparazzi sneakily following you again." Yeri pouted making me smile.

"Thank you," I dried my tears and hugged them back.

"Ah really! Sungjae. I want to punch him in the face. Hard. What is he even thinking?" Yeri suddenly burst out complaining. She was obviously frustrated. She covered her mouth when she realized all eyes was on her. "I... I think... I need to go. I remember I needed to do something." She cleared her throat and acted like she didn't say anything  and was about to leave.

"You're not going anywhere young lady." Irene warned her.

"IsawSungjaeWithLunaWhenIfollowedSis." Yeri blurted out while trying to avoid my gaze.

The room became silent as the others processed the situation.

"You're not going to tell him that you're carrying his child?" Wendy looked at me with wide eyes.

"I... I don't know. He left me in the first place. And he looks happy with Luna." I looked down at my fingers. "I don't want to think about it right now. It's too much..." My heart felt like it's being squeezed and stabbed again simultaneously.

"Alright then, let's all go back to sleep. You have a photoshoot with Eunwoo tomorrow." Irene stood up and waited for the others as they hugged me one last time.

"I'll sleep with sis tonight." Yeri announced and settled down beside me.

"Good night~"

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