An Other Tone For An Other Life

Chapter 17

~$~

I don't know what's worse. Seeing the way the hours go or being able to actually see the hours going while I am meant to sleep...

Both are terrible.

I was laying on my left side, under the cover and staring at the digital clock on my bedside table.

3am.

It was 3am.

And I was there since Charlie left.

My brain has never been that confused before. And especially, it has never been that hard for me to find an answer to a question that was about me.

I used to know me.

Now I wonder if my body is still connected to my mind.

I search and search but nothing!

Nothing wants to come out!

Nothing makes any sense!

I can't put all the pieces together to know if I am in love or not!

I can't!

And that's unbearable.

I just keep on looking for signs that I missed that would tell me I love him, signs in my behaviour.

But I don't understand.

Do I love him?

Don't I love him?

Did I love him?

Yes, I did.

FOUR YEARS AGO!!!!

Urgh, I think I'm getting a headache.

I got up from my bed, only Charlie's t-shirt on, and walked to my kitchen.

Before you start with your comments like "You're wearing his t-shirt that means you love him!" Or "Are you dump?! Look at what you wear!! This is your answer!!"

It was the first thing I found on my bed. THAT is the answer.

Anyway.

I opened the fridge and took a little bottle of water. I opened it and took a sip of the refreshing water and that cooled down my burning brain.

I sighed and sat at a bar chair, my eyes staring in the space without really looking at what was in front of them.

People used to say that alcohol was making the truth burst out... Maybe if I drink a little bit that could help me find o-

REALLY?!! This is gonna blur your vision of the situation even more! Don't touch that bottle!

Here that my subconscious fights with my conscious...

I kind of got used to it.

I took an other sip of the water and stood up from the chair.

I walked towards my balcony and opened the glass door before going out.

Lights and sounds were animating the city.

The city never sleeps.

But I'd like to.

I went close to the glass fences that were delimitating the balcony with the space. I laid my forearms on the cold glass and looked down.

Maybe thinking isn't the good method. Maybe I need to feel...

Because you can't think a feeling... You feel it. Right?

What do I feel when I'm with Charlie?