There are many things one is afraid of in life. For some it's heights, for some it may be animals or insects, for some shadows, lies, colors and for some.. themselves.
I do get surprised when I see a snake or a spider, but I am not afraid of them all. I don't think I am able to tell you when I have been scared the most. It could be while dreaming, or when I realized that my loved one is leaving because of my mistake. My tears at that time didn't matter, nor was the fact that I felt regretful important. Even so, that is the story for another time. 11.11.2016.
I would always say that I fear of the fear. I am afraid of being afraid. To everyone I am a weird and an unusual person. If you were to ask me about my number of friends it would equal to zero. Actually, there is one person whom I started hanging out with during middle school, and even tho we don't talk as much lately, I still hold her dear to my heart, my friend.
I can still say that I am afraid of that. If I let myself fear something, I will let myself fear of more and more things. I will get consumed by that and with time I would lose myself. I am not a weak person, especially after what happened.. but even so, it always matters what goes throughout ones mind. It only takes one second to make that decision, for the mind to change to one final. Be it life or death.
Have you ever experienced fear of yourself?
I did, but it was not totally fear. It was more like knowing that I should be afraid of what I can do. Staring in the mirror and seeing the crazed look in my eyes. How at that time I was like stone. Just staring at one place, moving and doing stuff with no thoughts. I was aware of what I was doing, but I just took those steps with no mind. I was not bothered. I didn't react. I f I decided that I would fight I would. If I decided to yell I would. But I could not cry. Even now, that I am alright, I can't cry that easily. And when I am able to cry, I choose not to, even tho I am aware of what could happen. There are more things, plenty stories I could tell you about from that time, but at the moment, perhaps it is smarter not to.
I wonder, how many people experienced the same thing..?
Have you? I would like to write more, as I have lots to write about, but what happens is not as I wish. Even now I have to go and do some things. My enjoyment was rather short and cut suddenly, but to tell you the truth, even if I have a long way to go, I am not surprised anymore. That makes me think, what else may happen in life....
