There were lots of times when I felt lost.
I stood on that pathway which seemed easy to others.
,,Why are you not moving?"
It was because I didn't know, which way to go. Do I go left or right, maybe just go forward, even tho the path is not clear?
I thought like that a lot. I knew for a fact that I don't want to go back. Even if I could fix things and become better, make my family proud, I.. don't think that that would be the right choice. I knew that I would get hurt again, but I didn't want to see them in pain again. If I had to I could, but since I have a choice, I choose not to.
I can make them proud again, I can do better, especially now that I've gotten out of that state. I took care of it on my own. I will take care of everything, but I will not forget those times. I had to do it on my own.
‚‚It is easy, just move already"
It most definitely was not. Sometimes, it is easy to just run. But a lot of time has passed since I ran, since I got out, since I felt that. That movement was difficult. I stood in that one place, and I couldn't even cry. I can't cry, I can not be that weak. I have to get myself used to everything, those feelings, pain. I have to get used to lots of things. Even if I do not want it, as a living being I have to.
‚‚I can get myself to act as I want, I change as I need to. I know it may not be healthy on mind, but I have to survive. I lived trought that, so I know I can do it, I am strong."
As long as I am avare of that, I will be alright.
‚‚Pathetic"
I never payed attention to words like these. I knew who says them, and I knew who I was. I will always be me, who I was, who I am and who I will be.
I always stayed true to my thoughts, and my thoughts were that I would never change for people, or hide my likings. If I was not accepted by others then it was not my problem, but theirs. I am who I am. And I do not want to waste my time on dumb, unnecessary stuff.
Alright, I may seem pathetic to some, but I know that I am not. I say true to myself, I am surviving, I am fighting, strugling and trying hard.
I am not in a way, nor is anyone in anyones. I am sure sometiemes it can happen, but I am standing in that one spot fighting in myself, trying do make a big decision about life. It will be my begining and end. No one can make your decision instead of you.
