Spotlight |h.s|

One

Aubrey Hart

I never have time to breathe.

I'm always too busy working, eating, or sleeping. I don't remember the last time I had more than an hour of peace just sitting alone with my thoughts. I get my twenty minutes in the shower before work every day, and that's it.

That's why I have time to even think about this in the first place. I'm nearing the end of my hot shower at 6:00 am before I head to work. Steam is fogging up the glass of the door, my skin burning red from the temperature of the water. I don't have to be at my trailer until 7:00, but I always like to be early. I rinse the rose scented conditioner out of the ends of my hair and try to give myself a minute to think without anyone talking my ear off or telling me what to do.

I like to take this time to be in my own head for a minute, considering I'm in the head of someone else all day for work. I never have time to analyze my feelings. I'm always too busy trying to figure out someone else's.

That makes me sound like a psychologist or something, but that's not what I do. My job is the equivalent of being paid to play pretend all day. I'm not complaining, I love it more than anything. I enjoy having the ability to step outside of myself for a while and play the part of someone else. I'm good at it, too. Conveying another person's emotions, forcing myself to be incredibly empathetic toward them in order to have that raw feeling portrayed on screen. It's what I do best. Playing a part.

It gets a bit exhausting when you start to mix up your own characteristics with those of the character you're playing, though. I can't distinguish between the two sometimes. I do this with every role I play, taking it a little too personally and ingraining their personality into my own. I don't even know if I have my own personality anymore. I think I may be a combination of all of my different characters at this point. Not that it's a bad thing, I love all of the roles I've played, I just feel like I've lost my sense of self due to how many different people's ideas are swirling through my head and determining the choices I make at all times.

It's kind of nice to be someone else for the majority of my day, though. It's a distraction. It makes me forget everything for a little while. Everything that has happened in my life in these past four months, especially. My life has been a shitshow since the beginning, but these past months have really been the cherry on top. I need this distraction. There's always something that tends to remind me of her at some point in my day, but for the most part, I'm free.

Never mind that, though. I don't have the time to sit here and assess my mental state. I have places to be and roles to play.

After making sure all of the conditioner is out of my hair, I think back and make sure I've done everything. Shampoo, conditioner, shave, wash body, exfoliate. I check all of the things off on the checklist in my head before shutting off the water and stepping out, grabbing my purple fluffy towel and patting my skin dry. I then put on some lotion, brush my hair, and walk to my bed with the towel wrapped around my body, looking at the outfit I already have set out for the day. I'll be changing out of it and getting all done up, so it doesn't matter how I look when I arrive.

I put on a simple pair of black leggings with a loose-fitting maroon short sleeve, a black bra and underwear set being put on beneath that. I put on a pair of socks and slide into some plain black tennis shoes. I look around the room, making sure I'm ready to go.

I already brushed my teeth, made my bed, and put everything I'll need in my black purse. Everything is clean, windows shut and locked, it's all fine. With that, I pick up my purse with my essentials, turning off the light and leaving the room. I head down the brown wooden stairs of the partially bare house, rushing to my kitchen to pop a few clean strawberries into my mouth before leaving and locking the red door behind me.