Spotlight |h.s|

Thirty Two

Harry Styles

Why do I keep letting this happen? Why am I the one asking for it to happen now?

She's sleeping in bed next to me for the fourth time now, messy hair on her head and no clothes in sight. I ditched Cara to have her over last night. I've been blowing Cara off all week, for that matter. I don't even know why. She's much more eager to sleep with me than Aubrey ever has been or will be. Why am I choosing her instead? I hate her in practically every way outside of the bedroom.

At least I think I do.

Why did I say that shit to her last night, then? Why do I even bother talking to her when I don't have to?

I've willingly been around her almost every day for the past week. I've been the one initiating it the majority of the time and asking her to be around me. Why? Why does it only shut off with her?

It's the weirdest thing. When I'm sitting here by myself, or even with Zayn or Louis, coke is all I can think about. I'm shaky and crazy irritable, a real drag to even be around. Basically my usual personality on overdrive, I guess. But then Aubrey shows up, and my brain calms down. My muscles relax, my mind clears of all of the urges and bad thoughts, and I feel so much closer to peace. She doesn't even have to say or do anything. Her being there is enough.

She makes the world feel less cold. She makes the shaking stop.

She makes everything stop.

Why her, though? Why have I caught myself feeling completely at peace, accidentally letting things slip from my mouth that shouldn't in her presence? It's the weirdest thing I've ever felt. I thought her tendency to overshare around me was just part of her personality, but here I am doing it as well. Zayn and Louis don't even know about my mom, and they've been my friends for a good while now. They don't know about this whole clean streak thing in the first place. Why am I telling her any of this?

I don't know how having sex with her a few times has made me like this. She has become the person I instinctively call when I feel myself getting closer and closer to slipping. Why? Why not Zayn or Louis, or even Niall?

I know Niall couldn't really do anything since he's a continent away and also a bit pissed at me, but still. Why do I feel the need to call her? Be in her presence? I have so many other options, yet the only one that makes sense to me is her.

Why is the person I hate becoming a vital part of my recovery process? Why is she even helping me to begin with?

I think over all of these different things as I shift from my stomach to my side, facing her closed eyes and slightly parted lips as she stays asleep. She's on her side, the comforter pulled up to cover everything up to her chest. She's wearing it almost like a strapless dress, so effortlessly comfortable in her position.

The sun peeks in through my closed curtains and casts a small line of light on her face, her smooth skin being illuminated by it. Her face looks so calm. Completely makeup-free, her soft skin and naturally long eyelashes still being evident without the enhancing abilities of any sort of product.

Why does she look... pretty?

I've found her attractive and called her hot before, sure. Never something like pretty, though. The word came into my head before I could stop it. My sister is the only person I've ever called pretty or even considered pretty for that matter. I blink my eyes hardly and try to rid myself of the thought, completely thrown off by it.

I hate her. She hates me. I can't be thinking like this right now. It makes no sense and is probably just because I don't have any coke in me and haven't in a while. The two week mark is inching closer and closer, making me a bit nervous because of how it ended up turning out last time.