Spotlight |h.s|

Thirty One

Aubrey Hart

"Why am I here, Harry?" I ask as my back lays on top of his black comforter, feet hitting the floor as he lays on the other side of the bed in the same way as me. Our heads meet next to each other in the middle of the mattress, so close but not yet touching.

"I don't know." He breathes out while staring up at the white ceiling like I am.

This is the third day in a row we've done something like this. He calls me over, I come and sit with him, and we exchange barely any words that extend past our usual "Just for tonight?" request. I don't know why I keep showing up, and I most certainly don't know why it isn't the worst thing in the world.

It would be less weird if he called to hook up with me or something. The whole sitting and doing nothing thing is throwing me off. I'm not mad at it, but it makes his request for my presence all the more unusual.

It's the beginning of week two of his clean streak, meaning he only has five days to go until the worst part is over. Part of me thinks that's why he keeps asking me to be here. He doesn't trust himself right now. He wants a babysitter that will stop him if he does anything drastic. I don't know why it has to be me and not Louis or Zayn, though. I'm sure they both know about this if I do, right?

Either way, here I am. Spending my Wednesday night in silence in Harry's room. Jade is starting to get weirded out by the amount of time I'm spending here. I obviously can't tell her the real reason—at least what I think is the real reason—for me being around him so much, so I just said Max wants us to hang out more often so it seems like we're getting more serious.

"I just..." he speaks and breaks our silence, his answer to my previous question elongating, "It shuts off."

"It shuts off?" I furrow my brows and repeat what he said, whatever that statement means going directly over my head.

"The need to do anything I'll regret shuts off."

I toss that sentence around in my brain for a minute in an attempt to make sense of it. Is he trying to say he doesn't want to do coke when others are around? Was I right about being a babysitter?

"With everyone?" I try to understand him a little better.

"No," I feel his head shake against the mattress and his curly hair brush the side of my face, "Only with you."

Every word that comes out of his mouth makes me more and more confused, my heart rate picking up slightly. Why would someone he finds more annoying than ever stop him from indulging in drugs? It's not like I have any type of power or authority over him.

"Why me?" I turn my head to look at him.

"I think if I knew the answer to that, you wouldn't be here right now." He stays looking up and not meeting my eyes.

"You hate me." My focus stays on his side profile in pure confusion about all of this.

"I know."

"So how does me being around help you?" I try to understand.

"Why do you come? You hate me, too." He turns the conversation onto me as his head moves down to his side so our eyes meet, his face upside down in my view because of how we're laying.

"I... I don't know." I draw a blank.

"See? It's not something I can explain."

Our noses almost brush against each other as we talk, everything about this feeling far too intimate for me and Harry. Why aren't we fighting? Why did I willingly come here? Why isn't he being an asshole to me right now?