Unlovable

Chapter 3

It’s been almost two weeks already and still no job. I’m not surprised though. I mean, who wants to hire a kid with no work experience? My dad was right—maybe no one wants me after all and I’m just extra space. Maybe if I wasn’t so worthless, I’d have a job.I pulled my dirty, stained duvet around me tighter trying to keep the nipping wind out. Autumn is slowly turning into winter and the nights are getting colder. Despite my layers of clothes, I’m still freezing. I dug around in my backpack knowing I had no more money or food, but still hoped that something would’ve magically appeared overnight. I moaned leaning my head against the wall I was sat up against holding my aching stomach.

I stood up, my legs shaking, as I walked to the garbage bin at the crowded corner while people flinched away from me like I was a monster. Mums held their children tighter and tutted at me while others just stared wondering what drugs I was hooked on to put me on the streets. I held my breath and began digging around hoping someone couldn’t finish their breakfast sandwich or coffee, but no such luck. I slumped back to my little home and wrapped myself in my duvet again.

“Here you go.” Someone said stretching out their hand to give me money.

I flinched looking up to see a hand reaching towards me. I curled up tightly in a ball waiting for the hit, then slowly opened my eyes when I didn’t feel anything. The man standing before me looked confused—more so than me.

“Oh no, I—I couldn’t take that.” I replied shyly, trying to hide myself from the beautiful stranger.

“Okay.” He shrugged walking away.

I sighed wishing I’d taken it and didn’t act so weird to scare him away, but I’d feel horrible taking someone else’s hard-earned money. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes for a few minutes when someone woke me.

“Here, take this.” The same stranger said holding out a breakfast sandwich from McDonalds.

“Really?” I asked smiling, grateful for his kindness.

“Yeah, you look hungry.”

“I am. Thank you. So much. It’s really kind of you.”

“No problem.” he smiled warmly before walking away and leaving me with the sandwich.

I wanted to ask who he was or why he was being so nice, but he just handed me the food and walked away. I ate it quickly—the warmness of the sandwich made me feel a bit better and took away some of the chill from the nipping air. I licked my fingers making sure I got every crumb hating how animalistic I felt doing so. Though I don’t expect to see him again nor do I know when I’ll eat again. A small part of me hoped to see his kind, light blue eyes again and feel the warmth of his smile, but I can’t be greedy. I don’t deserve his eyes or smile or money or food or anything. Still, it’s nice to wish…

***

A few more days have passed much like the first time I saw the stranger, except he’d skip offering me money. He simply asked if I was hungry and handed me a sandwich, then went on his way after giving me another smile. After about a week, the kind stranger returned, this time holding two sandwiches in hand.

"Mind if I sit?” he asked handing me mine.

I scooted over allowing him a spot on the ground hoping I didn’t smell too bad or look too dirty compared to his cleanliness. Who am I kidding? I’ve been out here without a shower sleeping next to a dumpster for weeks! Of course I smell bad. I could feel my heart pounding, threatening to rip out of my rib cage and onto the pavement in front of me. I stared at this stranger with onyx colored hair and bright blue eyes to contrast wondering why someone as sweet and caring as he is would want to sit with a dirty, unwanted guy like me. For all he knows, I could be an ex-convict on the run wanted for murder. Why is he wasting his time with me?

“What’s your name?” He asked taking a bite in his own breakfast sandwich.

“Me?” I asked shocked that he wanted to talk to me at all.

“No, the guy behind you.” He sarcastically laughed. “Yes you, what’s your name?”

“Daniel. I’m Dan.” I replied smiling, feeling my palms sweat out of nervous habit. “And you?”

“Phil. Nice to meet you Dan.”

“You too, Phil.”

“You don’t sound like you’re from here. Are you from the south?” Phil asked in a silly voice.

“Yeah.” I answered smiling for the first time in a long time. “I am.”

“So why aren’t you at home? Why are you living in an alley?” he questioned.

“It’s…it’s a long story.” I sighed.

“Addicted to drugs?” he joked.

“Obviously. Can’t stop shooting up.” I replied laughing, relaxing a little.

“I like you, Dan. I don’t know why, but you’re different.” Phil shrugged popping the rest of the sandwich in his mouth.

“Different? Is that a good thing?” I asked feeling defensive again.

“Yeah. It is. You’re a really good guy.”

“Thanks. You are too.”

"Don’t be nervous." he smiled. "I’m not going to hurt you or anything. You look too sweet."

"Thank you." I replied more towards the fact that he wasn’t going to hurt me than the compliment he just offered.

What the hell am I doing? I can’t befriend Phil! He’ll want to take me to a church or something and I can’t have that. I can’t risk my dad finding out where I am. Normally I push guys like Phil away because they’re the nice guys who just want to help. And considering my situation, I’m afraid of the help I’d get. But mostly, I’m afraid of getting attached to anyone or trusting anyone, especially someone as easy to talk to as Phil. I might tell him something I shouldn’t and he might turn around and tell someone else thinking he’s helping when he’s just digging my grave.

“Well, I’ve got to get to work, but I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said standing up and brushing off his jeans.

“Bye.” I whispered giving a little wave as he jogged away.

Thinking about it now though, what are the chances he’s really going to come back? No one ever comes back for me, so why should someone start now? Just because he’s been feeding me for the past week doesn’t mean he likes me. And now that he’s actually talked to me, I bet he hates me. How can I put my trust in a stranger to give me hope? That’s probably the last time I’ll ever see Phil so I’m just getting worked up over nothing. I’ll be fine.

My stomach growled wanting more food despite my brain knowing I had nothing left. I decided to stand despite my aching muscles from lack of nourishment and exercise. I walked to the end of the alley and back up, then decided to check the bin again. After more stares, I still found nothing. As I made my way back to my place in the alley, I saw school boys, about the age of 13 looking through my backpack.

“Hey! That’s mine!” I called trying to run, tripping on my own gangly legs.

A few of them took off while the rest laughed and pointed at me. One grabbed my backpack and ran to catch up to his friend.

“Please, bring that back. I need it.” I begged standing up again.

They ignored me and continued on their way to school. I let out a defeated moan. Of course. Why not? Nothing else has gone right, why not have some stupid 13 year olds take the little items I have. It’s not like there is food or money in there. I literally only have an extra hoodie and pair of socks in there so I’m not sure what they were hoping to gain. Not having much else to do, I cuddled under my duvet and tried to take a nap in spite of the loud noises of the city.

As I closed my eyes, I saw Phil: I saw his kind eyes full of love and compassion. I heard his voice speaking to me like a human rather than an animal and the sound of his beautiful laugh. I smelled his scent—laundry soap, some sort of manly deodorant and some other comforting scent I can’t quite place. I felt the warmth of the sandwich he gave me and the warmth I felt inside as my heart ached for him. I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high, but I really hoped I could see him tomorrow despite my better judgment. Maybe Phil could be good for me.