Unlovable

Chapter 10

“So Daniel, Philip’s told us a lot about you.” Phil’s mother cooed. “He just can’t stop once he’s going.”

“All good things I hope.” I smiled awkwardly giving the entire table a good laugh.

At what, exactly, I’m not sure. I’d been sat at this table with Phil’s family on this gorgeous yacht eating a delicious meal I thought you could only eat if you had relations to the queen. The perks of being wealthy I suppose. Phil’s dad was a portly guy with rosy cheeks and bright blue eyes much like Phil’s. He was always smiling, laughing, or cracking a joke and just seemed to be an all-around pleasant guy. His mum is not much different personality wise, but as far as appearance, she was quite different. She was thin, but not horrifically so like myself. She had Phil’s same smile and would poke her tongue out anytime she laughed. Every once and a while, she’d lean over and give Phil’s arm a loving squeeze or pat. I’m glad Phil’s got such a great parents who love him so much. It makes me physically ache for this sort of companionship.

“How’d you get that shiner there, Dan? Fighting off all the ladies, hmm?” Phil’s father asked leaning in giving me a wink.

“I—uh—no sir.” I blushed looking down at my hands folded in my lap.

“Or lads then. We don’t discriminate.”                          

“Oh! Oh no, that’s not—I didn’t mean—I—”

“Calm down there! No need to get worked up now. I’m only joking.”

Again, Phil’s parents both laughed as Phil gave me a sympathetic smile.

“Dad, not now.” Phil mumbled to him giving him a little kick.

“Well I’m only trying to get to know the boy. The only thing you keep telling us is how kind he is and how wonderful he is and how he always makes you smile but I know nothing about him! So Daniel, tell me about yourself.” Mr. Lester smiled warmly at me.

“I—I grew up in a small town living with my father, went to school…there’s not much to know about me, sir.” I replied shyly.

“How bout those fights at school?” he asked motioning to my face.

“Dad. Stop.” Phil warned glancing over at me.

“No sir. Not on the school yard.” I whispered.

“What then?”

“I—they’re from—” despite how hard I tried not to, my bottom lip began to wobble as tears threatened their escape. “Excuse me.”

I got up from the table and ran off the deck and into one of the grand ballrooms this boat had. I slammed my back against a wall and sank down biting my tongue to stop the tears. Not now, you can’t cry. You’ve come too far to cry now.

“Dan? Dan, are you here?” I heard Phil’s voice calling.

“Here.” I called back silently hoping he didn’t hear me.

“Oh Dan.” Phil sighed running over to me collecting my bony frame in his arms.

“I’m so sorry Phil. I tried so hard and I just blew it.”

“You didn’t blow it. They love you. Both of them do or they wouldn’t care to hear about your life. They think you’re adorable.”

I buried my face in his chest feeling guilty for ruining his shirt with my stupid tears. Why can’t I be stronger?

“I don’t want to go back.” I mumbled into his chest.

“You don’t have to. I’ll tell them you got seasick or something. You don’t have to leave this spot.” Phil promised rocking me gently in his arms.

I nodded against him and breathed out a shaky breath.

“I don’t want you to lie to them.” I whispered.

“Then what do you want me to tell them?” he asked as I pulled away to look at him.

“The truth. That my mum left with my brother and never bothered to write or call or come get me. That my dad blamed me and hit me and would hurt me to the point of blackout. That I ran away to get away from him and lived in an alley. That I nearly died of malnutrition and starvation and that my dad found me because of the lady at the homeless shelter. That he nearly beat me to death and left me there and if it hadn’t been for you, I probably would have died. That you saved me and took me in and now I live with you and that they’re paying for some lower class, unwanted, piece of shit street rat to eat your food and sleep in your bed and—”

“Stop. You’re not ‘some lower class, unwanted, piece of shit street rat.’ You’re my friend. My only and first best friend. You think so lowly of yourself and I know it’s because your dad physically beat the reminder into you but none of it is true. Not one thing.”

“I want to believe you. I really do, but I can’t. I’m nothing special. I don’t know what you see in me that makes you think otherwise.”

“I see who you are. I see that you’re a sweet, funny, caring person despite what’s happened to you. I see that you’re hurt and broken from your past but your future doesn’t have to be the same. It’s not going to be the same because I’m around. One way or another, you’re going to see how truly amazing you really are.”

I leaned back into him closing my eyes too numb to feel anything. Phil wrapped his other arm around me pulling me closer so I was basically sitting in his lap. I felt his lips graze the back of my ear as his breath sent shivers down my spine.

“Philip? Are you in here love?” a voice called.

Phil and I both looked up to see his mum walk into the huge room, heels clicking against the hardwood floor as she made our way towards us.

“Are you alright? Sometimes Andy’s humor is a bit too much to handle.” She smiled bending down resting a hand comfortingly on my leg.

“No, no, I’m alright. It wasn’t Mr. Lester.” I replied giving her a small smile.

“Is there anything I can do?” she asked, concern apparent in her voice.

I thought of my mum. I thought about how good she was to me and how much she cared and how her voice took the same concerning tone if I was ever sad. I thought about how happy we were as a family and how much she loved me. Then I thought about how she never once called me to make sure I’m okay. I thought about how she took my brother from me and probably never told him about me since he was much too young to remember me. I thought about the night before she left, she refused to tuck me in or give me a goodnight kiss. I thought about how she never said goodbye and how she never truly cared enough about me or my dad as she left in the dead of night without any warning. And I broke down.

“Oh Dan, honey, don’t cry.” She whispered pulling me into her chest like Phil had done earlier.

I hugged her back taking in her perfume mixed with that comforting motherly smell that they all seem to have. She rubbed her hand up and down my back hushing me, but silently letting me know it’s okay to get everything out. I felt Phil scoot his way in behind me wrapping his arms around me and his mum, resting his head on my back. I sat sandwiched between them not needing to say anything feeling comfortable in their embrace. My heart ached and I could practically feel it growing in my chest. As dumb as it sounds, I actually felt loved. Like I was part of a family. I forgot how good it felt to be hugged and loved by someone so deeply—I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like this before.

As my choking sobs dwindled down to quiet whimpers, I steadied myself taking huge breaths of air. Despite my dad’s threat, despite my own fear and better knowledge, I’m going to tell her everything he’s done to me. Not because I want pity, but because she has the right to know. I have the right to tell someone about the things my dad did. She and Phil have the right to hear everything. And I have the right to be loved.