Unlovable

Chapter 6

It’s been a week since that day and Phil hasn’t come around. Honestly, I don’t blame him. With the way I behaved, I’d be embarrassed to be seen with someone like me too. Because of the colder weather, less and less people are taking their food to go meaning there were little to no scraps for me to eat. Night fell shivering me to the bone. My duvet was barely anything to keep me warm anymore; all tattered and filled with holes, soaked from the falling snow. I could barely stay awake for the whole day due to the lack of energy, but had a hard time sleeping as my entire body ached for nutrition.

Some people would be kind enough and stop to hand me a pound or two, but since I couldn’t move, it hardly did me any good. Still, I thanked them kindly and shoved it in my pocket in the event that one day I wouldn’t feel so fragile and pathetic and could actually walk down the block to McDonalds to get food. I looked across the street at the glowing bar sign letting people know that they’re open. I wondered if the people inside had families or if they were trying to hook up with someone. I wondered if they were celebrating something or drinking away their problems. I thought about my dad wondering if he’s still alive or if he died of alcohol poisoning by now. I wondered if he missed me or if he even knew I was gone.

A drunk guy stumbled out of the bar by himself waddling about trying to figure out where he was. He crossed the street, confused and disoriented. I pulled my duvet up higher on me hoping he would just go about his business and leave me alone.

“Hey…you!” he slurred pointing at me. “Ha—have you seen, uh… this one guy?”

“Umm, I’m not sure who you’re talking about.” I mumbled refusing to look at him.

“Wait. You…you uh, kinda sound…like him.”

I slowly looked up at him and couldn’t believe my eyes. What the fuck is he doing in Manchester!? I felt sick and scared. I just wanted to get up and run away, but I couldn’t move.

“D—dad? What are you doing here? How’d you—find me?” I gasped as he shifted the cigarette from his right side to the left side of his mouth.

“Ah! I knew it was you. I got a call…from…a lady. I don’t know, but she said something…about you. And family counseling.”

Despite my fear, I felt anger heat up inside me. I knew going to that place was a bad idea! And that stupid lady looked up my last name, found my dad, and called him even though I told her not to!

“Look, dad. I didn’t want her to call. I didn’t even want to go. Why don’t you just go home and forget this ever happened and—”

He took a stumbled step forward and slapped my face sloppily, but hard.

“You said…you said that you wasn’t gonna tell…anyone. But you didn’t keep…your end of the deal. So I’m not keeping mine.”

“I tried. I’m sorry. Please don’t hurt me. Just go home, I promise I won’t tell!” I begged trying to muster up some strength to crawl away.

I wiggled out of my duvet and started to crawl down the alley hoping he was too drunk to see. I turned around to see him hobbling towards me, hate burning in his eyes. The ‘dad’ I used to know is buried so deep down within himself, I’m not even sure if he’s there anymore. I curled into a ball unable to move any further while he took out his pent up anger on me. An entire two months’ worth of anger, rage, and deep loathing for me stuffed into one beating. Regardless of how drunk he was, he was still able to hit hard and hurtful punches. I felt his fingers curl around my neck as he stood me up right and held me against a wall.

He was sweating heavily and I could smell the alcohol and cigarette smoke on his breath every time he breathed out. I tried to kick him away to open up my airway but to no avail. I felt my face turn a bright red while the familiar blackness formed around me. The only sound coming from the alley was his heavy breaths and my strangled chokes, desperate to get some air. Just as I thought I’d succumb to the darkness, he let me go as I fell to the pavement gulping in oxygen.

“Miss being at home? Where you actually got fed? You’re no good. You’re a shit son, you know that?” He spat kicking me while I nodded frantically. “I can’t be wasting my time on you. If I hear from you again, Iwill kill you. You got that?”

I nodded more and coughed while he gave my stomach and face a few more kicks before deciding he was satisfied and put his cigarette out on my shoulder. I cried out in pain from the burn as he walked away laughing seeming happy and proud of himself. I lay in the middle of the alley unwilling and unable to move. The pain from before due to lack of food mixed with the physical pain made itself known screaming out to my brain to fix it. I let out a little whine as I was in too much pain to cry. I slowly traced my fingers over my body glad to find that I had no broken bones from what I could tell: just a ton of bruises, bleeding, and pain. Blinding pain that continued to sweep through my body waiting for me to do something about it.

I thought about that stupid woman who called my dad. I told her not to call and now look at what happened. I hated her, but not more than I hated myself. I couldn’t even run away right. I screwed that up too and now I lay here with the consequences blazing over my body. I thought about how easy it would be to die. I wouldn’t be leaving anybody behind; my dad obviously doesn’t care, and I haven’t heard from Phil in a while, so I’m sure he’s stopped caring too. I thought about letting the winter chill take me away in the night so that I’d be done with this cruel world; this cruel life. I closed my eyes welcoming death, hoping that for my sake, that would be the one thing I do right.