Oxford Boys

44. missing him like hell

No matter what I do, I miss Jake like hell. Seeing him in classes doesn't make it any easier. At least we are in for winter break very soon. Hope that will ease the pain.

But what do I do after it? I know I can't keep hiding from him for ever. And things are going to get worse.

Seriously I have no idea what to do, how to go on from here. There's so much pain within me tearing me apart and all I want to do is crumble down, cry and let the world swallow me up.

Since the day of the accident, I don't feel like myself anymore. I'm not the strong fighter Sam anymore. I'm a defeated girl, who has lost everything even herself. Everyone in my life has built up a wall of lies and secrets around me.

The whole last five years of my life has been one huge ball of lies.

It's not like I don't understand Jake, he was fifteen and from what I heard under a great pressure. Guess I would have done the same to protect my family. But he had enough time to tell me the truth while we started bonding again. I mean he did tell me a part of it. As much as it would have hurt to hear the full story, it's not his fault.

The only fault laying on Jake and Emi is lying to me. With Emi it cuts even deeper, as she had so much time and never ever even mentioned a thing or showed any kind of guilt. Did she overplay it, because she knew all along how much I hated Jake for his lies? Was she afraid I'd hate her too? She even warned me about Jake, never ever thought about warning me about her own lies. Within one week I had lost everything I loved and believed in, my Grams, my bestie, my boyfriend and it hurts so badly. Even part of my own identity has been simply washed away.

Or did both of them just simply think they couldn't trust me? I get they don't want their parents to go to jail. And I would never ever blame them, for what their parents did. Their parents killed my mum, it's something I will never be able to forgive and yet can't change, despite having any proof. Their fucking parents are even to blame for my rape never being charged.

Evans is right, Emi and Jake are victims, just as I am. The only difference is, they knew the whole story and at least partially had the choices. While I was left in the dark and had to take what they all dealt me. And now I am living the consequences.

To top it off, now I need to get some things sorted badly as soon as possible. One of the first things I did this week, was to phone the real estate. I never wanted to set a foot back into the village in the first place. And after all I know now, even less. Although I want nothing to do with the money that was payed to keep my rape a secret, I also know I will need that money badly. Just hope I can get a good price, after all the fixing up Grams and I did.

And Jake? No idea, how I am to deal with him. He needs to know so much and yet I am not prepared to talk to him. Although it's so hard not to seek his comfort.

Evans is my only light at the moment, even if I know how much toll it's taking on him too. He's Jake's best mate and he's suffering because of both of us. Our relationship has changed too, he's become a comforting best friend.

As far as I could gather, he's also dealing more with my accident than he would like to let on. He never tells me much about that, but from what I know he was there too and nearly watched me die right in front of him. The docs told me how severe my injuries were and how they fought for my life hours and days. When I wanted to thank the paramedics for saving me, they told me Jake and Evans had saved my life in the first place. Jake had told me parts about the accident too and I remember calling Evans while having the accident. From what I've heard both of them, Jake and Evans saw me in a terrible state and dragged me out of a burning car, surely a sight that wasn't too pleasant.