Oxford Boys

46. responding

As usual I fell asleep with Jake's hoodie while crying. He sent me a short message last night and for a change I even read it.

Thanks for letting me hear your voice

Something so simple had my heart racing again and the hurt of his loss felt worse again. Why is it, that I just can't seem to get over Jake? No matter what has happened between us, I still love him like mad and now I am pregnant with his child.

Evans is right, I shouldn't keep this secret and sooner or later it will be impossible to hide it anyway. I just don't want Jake to make a decision he'll regret later, just because he feels like he has to. Mum brought me up by herself and I know, I could do the same. Even if I wish for this baby to have a dad. But this way, Jake can perhaps decide to be a dad, without feeling pressured to do something he isn't ready for yet.

God, I miss him so incredible much. It's the last day before winter break perhaps I could just give a friendly attempt today, by not ignoring him completely.

I'm ready for this, I can do it. Ok, today I am going to be a little more of Sam again. Looking through my wardrobe I find a hoodie with a statement on it I want to wear. Not worn my statement stuff for too long.

Fuck the rules, have fun!

Ok, this is me. A look in the tiny mirror, makes me feel a little better and for the first time in weeks I put a small smile on my face.

"Welcome back Sam, ready to rule the world. Don't back down bitch!" I say to myself while putting on my cap.

Today for the first time I wear it wrong way round to school, just like I do while skating. This is the girl who won't be defeated and lives her life to her own rules. The skater girl who always has the upper hand.

The roads aren't as slippery as yesterday, making it easier with the crutches.

The last few days, I was afraid of the moment Jake enters the class. Today for the first I'm ok with it. Perhaps it has to do with the new hoodie he gave me yesterday, or because I have decided to be friendlier today. I just don't know if I can deal with letting him closer and yet not having him. It's like dropping part of my shield I am trying to hold up so badly.

Lost in thoughts I nearly shriek as Jake appears next to me.

"Good morning Skater girl, how are you feeling today?", he puts a cup in front of me. "Thought you are missing out too much on your favourite hot chocolate in town."

Oh god, how can my heart not melt away with this.

"Thanks", I whisper and see a huge smile appear on Jake's face as I slightly turn his direction.

"Evans will be happy to see, you are wearing a statement again", he says it so quiet I can barely hear it. "You aren't wearing your hoodie up today, I like it."

"Why?", I whisper, nearly inaudible.

"Because you are not shielding yourself from me. I can see what is going on in your face. And I can see your pretty face."

My hand automatically goes up to my scar. Jake stops me. I'm startled for a moment from his touch, my whole body reacts to it.

"Sorry", he murmurs. "But don't hide the scar. It's a part of you now and I love every part of you."

"Jake, please don't!" Him saying those words just make it worse, make the pain worse.

"Sam, I told you, I'm not giving up on you, I can't. I know I've hurt you bad and believe me if I could change things I would. I'd give my life for you Sam and no matter how much you push me away, I know you still feel something for me too and even if it is fucking hard I am going to wait for you until you realize."