It has been so long since I have felt the need to write. So long since I felt the need to throw all of my emotions into an format like this. But right now I couldn't even describe what I am feeling. It could be loneliness- I have spent so much time with my thoughts. I decided to get social media at the same time as I started a social experiment with those I consider friends. I did not start conversations. I decided to let people come to me but no one did. I love my sisters and my family but they kinda have to, you know? I just wanted for someone to want to talk to me. I just wanted for someone to appreciate my existence without me starting them thinking about me. Is that too much to ask? I am forever trapped in this role of instigator? The only conversations I have had in the past months were about school or politics. I understand that that is pretty much all that is happening but for once I want someone to care about how I am doing. I want someone to ask me how school is going. I want someone to check in on me even if they think my life is fine. All of my friends have other friends. I feel unimportant. Do I not matter? It feels so hard to connect. I miss pep band. I miss school. I miss softball and people and, most of all, I miss me. I'm all alone with my thoughts. The only company I have are the stories i consume and create. My only friends are invisible and unreal. I am too old to have to rely on imaginary friends. Why can't I connect like my peers.? I want a connection with someone. I want to feel wanted by someone, not because they are forced to interact with me, but because they choose me. I have become obsessive and then distracted. I have bouts of intense productivity that fizzle out into trenches of procrastination. I have 7 projects that require attention and dedication but I find myself lost in lala land or watching a show. Why can't I motivate myself to do the things that need to be done. I should sleep right now but I can't. I don't want to go back inside my head. It's dark and lonely and I can see through the holograms my psyche produces. Thy are fake and thy cannot provide me with the love I need. All of my straight friends are out there posting things like "Happy 1 year with my girlfriend/ boyfriend" while I am single. Even in a normal school year my dating pool is more like a puddle. But now? Now I have no where to look for that meaningful connection. I am feeling so lost right now. I am grasping at straws. I have no control and it is terrifying. I cannot find a friend group that will actively think about me with prompting, I am clinically single, and I can do nothing to fix either aspect of my social life. So I block I out. I go to tv shows and my imagination. I binge watch shows and I compulsively zone out. Anything to feel less alone. Maybe I need to look at this from a different angle. Ok- the problem I am faced with: I feel lonely
How is this impacting me: 1)I am losing sleep, 2) obsessively searching for a way to disassociate, and ) it is throwing my work ethic and intrinsic motivation into absolute disarray
How to address the big picture: talk to friends; use texting
How to fix the smaller stuff:1) phone limit,other than music 2) time limit on entertainment for phones and I can only go on a walk when I am accompanied by a doggo or someone else 3)write down why I want to do the things, what is the benefit, how does doing the work now help future me
Another thing I want to think about is if I truly benefit from having social media
Pros- potential to connect with people
Funny memes
Cons-time suck
Induces procrastination
Any conversations are not meaningful
Can introduce negative stimuli the creates unnecessary stress
Ok- so it looks like I should get rid of it but to be sure, I am going to do this scientifically.
Question: Does social media help me
Hypothesis: no, there seem to be more foreseeable cons when compared to the positives
Data collection: document usage of social media in the next 2 weeks, write down feelings before and after (simple scale 1-5: 1=terrible 5=best day ever) then after the 2 weeks are done, document 2 weeks without it. Any one you feel the urge to use social media document current feeling level and why you feel drawn towards it.
Social medias- Pinterest, Instagram, Wattpad, discord
Potential variables- workout schedule change, school workload
Second study
How do one limits on entertainment and late night usage effect me?
Hypothesis- a reduction in screen time, especially entertainment based screen time, will allow me to become more grounded and inhibit procrastination tendancies
Data collection- for 2 weeks track time spent on phone for entertainment, overall emotions, productivity, and physical engagement. After these two weeks, place a restriction on entertainment (2.5 hours). Now track time spent (do you use up all of it every day? When?), what you are doing (do you focus on reading sites? Watching sites? Is there a reason you chose that? Which functions do you not use?) and what your emotions are before and after use (I you reach the limit, how does that make you feel?)
