Blair Silver

Part 28: Regrets

I don't know why I'm so messed up. Why I feel the urgent need to get away from someone as soon as I start falling in love with them, and end up breaking my own heart in the process. You'd think I'd either just stop dating people or stop leaving them, but it's not that easy. I tell myself I'll stop dating people for a while, to recover from my own heartbreak and the knowledge that I hurt all those people in the same way, just like how I tell myself I'll stop smoking. It never works.

I waited too long with Theo. Usually I get myself out of relationships as soon as I start to feel something, in an effort to make it hurt less. Sometimes it works. But I just- he's so perfect and all I wanted was just one more day with him. I had a couple months' worth of 'one more day's. And I ended up practically drowning in love with him. I knew that if he had asked me to stay then I wouldn't have been able to reject him... but he didn't. He accepted it, like he said he would. 

I sigh a little as I unlock the front door with my key. Mom should still be asleep, so I can just-

She's sitting in the kitchen. As though I summoned her with my thoughts. She startles awake at the sound of the opening door. I slump a bit as she locks eyes with me, looking concerned.

She doesn't say anything as I go into the kitchen and make myself some toast. I sit down across from her and slowly, deliberately spread some butter on it before taking a bite.

"So?" she asks, quietly. We've been through this enough for her to know what I do. She must have noticed my mood yesterday morning and waited up for me.

"So, what?" Just because I know she knows doesn't mean I have to acknowledge it.

"Did you break up with Theodore?"

My heart aches a little at his name. I bite my lip and slowly nod. "I did."

I know how she feels about the way most of my relationships end. But she also knows what happens if I don't- she's usually tasked with picking up the pieces afterwards. I feel bad, but there's no one else to do it. I'm too terrified that my friendships would end the same way my relationships do. Even the time I tried to live in residence at the university, I got scared and backed out as soon as I became friends with my roommate. It's too hard to ghost someone you live with, and just knowing that made me feel claustrophobic and anxious.

Really, you'd think I'd just go to therapy like she wants me to. It seems like it would make everything easier. But if I did that, then the therapist would probably make me face a lot of long-buried feelings about... certain events. Let's just say it's not a coincidence that my dad isn't around, and I happen to have a lot of issues with emotional connections.

"Blair," my mom says softly, like she knows what I'm thinking about.

"I'm going to get some sleep before my first class," I say abruptly, standing up. My mom sighs.

"Blair. Do you not think that you would be happier if-"

I practically bolt up the stairs to my room, closing the door behind me with a deep exhale, turning to lean against it.

Once I'm alone, it's impossible to stop the tears. I slide down the door and succumb to the whirlwind of emotions, sobbing.

-

I somehow manage to drag myself to my classes. I ignore everyone, take the least amount of notes possible while still actually taking notes, and zone out very frequently. After my last class finishes, I find myself driving towards Theo's school out of sheer habit. Before our relationship, I occasionally went to bring my mom stuff if she was working late, or to take her car if I was making dinner that night (motorcycles don't have a ton of storage space, and groceries are not compact). None of these things are the case, so I force myself to take the next turn and drive  home instead. Even though...